Married sex can be wrought with problems for couples. One of the top reasons is unhealed previous sexual trauma. One in three women and one in five men have had sexual trauma at some point in their life. When you have sexual trauma, people go one of two directions, either hyper-sexual or hypo-sexual. The hyper path is someone who becomes hyper-sexual where that's all they want so they are in charge of it. They never want to be in a powerless position where it's taken from them again. The hypo-sexual track is someone who was so disgusted from their sexual trauma they want nothing to do with sexual intimacy and they avoid it like the plague.
Another common cause for sexual problems in marriage is emotional disconnection. A lot of people say, I don't feel open to sexual contact because I feel emotionally disconnected.
A third reason for sexual problems in marriage is differences in libido. Most marriages are comprised of a high and low libido partner. Libido is tied to testosterone and our early conditioning with sex. If one's early experiences with sex were positive it will raise libido and if their early experiences with sex were negative it will lower libido.
Because of all these problems with sex, it's important to have tools in your toolbox on how to approach sexual intimacy in a way that's mutually enjoyable and makes you feel closer together as a unified couple, which is the goal of sexual contact. So, I'm going to introduce a model today called the wedding cake model to married sex.
Married Sex: The Wedding Cake Model
Resentments tier
The base tier is working through resentments. You won’t want to have sex with your partner if you resent them and it won’t go well if you try. Having sex is like a beautiful plant so you must begin by digging out the rocks in the soil before planting the seeds. Resentments are rocks in the soil of your relationship. They are clogs in your pipes. They block intimacy on all levels. Therefore, resentments must be tended to and resolved first. The reunite tool for conflict resolution is the best method to help you do this.
Friendship tier
The second tier of the cake is friendship. This comes second because it’s hard to develop a friendship with your partner if you resent them and it's hard to have sex with someone you don't feel like you're friends with. Nurturing your friendship should be a daily focus by improving communication, nurturing emotional intimacy, having quality time through weekly dates, and providing lots of affection. Here's further reading on how to cultivate emotional intimacy in 6 hours per week.
Romantic tier
The third tier to the wedding cake model is romantic time. You need to start having physically connecting activities multiple days a week, such as cuddling, massage, making out, showering, etc. But here's the catch. There's no expectations or hints for these activities to turn sexual. This is required or else the low drive partner will feel pressure which will make them avoid these activities. Therefore, engaging in these activities without any hint for more is essential. Low drive partners need these activities to feel connected and it provides opportunity for their responsive desire to grow.
Sexual tier
Once you’ve addressed your resentments, built up your friendship, and are having regular romantic time, now your relationship is ready to support regular sexual activity. This may occur at the end of some of your romantic activity if the low drive partner initiates it. This may also occur at other times throughout the week with either partner initiating. Remember, the low drive partner is responsive so for sex to feel like a natural extension they need to be responding out of their emotional and physical connection. If the high drive partner initiates and it's not a good time for the low drive partner they can say raincheck. Raincheck means they'll initiate some type of romantic activity within 24 hours but the ground rule applies which is no pressure for more during that activity so there's no pressure.
So there you have it, the wedding cake model to married sex. Start by resolving resentments, then build your friendship, then add regular romantic time, then add sexual contact.
Click the articles below for further learning.
Keys to avoiding a sexless marriage
Benefits of sexy massages for your relationship
Four reasons to try sexy games
How to get her in the mood in 8 steps
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Leave a comment below on what else you'd recommend to enhance married sex.