What should I do if I hate my wife?
Share with your partner how the lack of sexual intimacy makes you feel and explore what's causing it. Perhaps your partner hasn't realized how important it is, perhaps they don't feel emotionally connected to you, or perhaps they have unhealed sexual trauma from their past.
When no sex occurs in a marriage it impacts the low libido partner much differently than the high libido partner. On average, no sex doesn't impact the low libido partner, because they're low libido. And because they're low libido, sex isn't on their mind very much so they can go for extended periods of time without ever thinking about it. They may notice a lack of closeness here and there, but on average, it doesn't really faze them. However, men with high libidos in a sexless marriage can quickly start feeling like they hate their wife.
A lot of you know the story regarding my wife and how she was raised with extensive sexual trauma. She was repeatedly exposed to sexual activity against her will and it created a deep disgust within her towards sex. And then her first boyfriend at 14 took her virginity, used her for sex, then cheated on her. So, her developmental years around sex were extremely traumatic. Unfortunately, her unhealed trauma carried right into our marriage, making her avoid sex at all costs. As the high libido partner, her avoiding sex devastated me and it crippled our relationship. She felt unsafe to me because of the continual rejection and I seemed unsafe to her because I desired sex, which reminded her of the perpetrators she was raised with. As our marriage was hanging on by a thread, we finally reached out for intensive marriage counseling and after several years we finally healed most of the sexual dysfunction in our relationship.
So, I can personally relate to what it feels like being the high libido partner in a sex starved marriage.
I Hate My Wife | 6 Impacts
The first thing is rejection. When your partner doesn't want to have sex with you, and you're the high libido partner, it's profoundly rejecting. It feels like you're not wanted or desirable because they are continually pushing you away. Rejection is one of the worst experiences a human can feel because it's communicating “I don't want you.”
Number two is inadequacy. When you're the high libido partner in a sexless marriage the next thing you can feel is inadequate like there is something wrong with you. “Maybe I'm not handsome enough.” “Maybe I’m not beautiful enough.” Usually that's not the reason partners aren’t interested in sex. However, it can plant the seed of self-doubt. “Why don't they want me?” “There must be something wrong with me or else they would.”
A third thing that can happen when you're the high libido partner in a sexless marriage is fear. When you get rejected sexually, the last thing you want to do is initiate sex because you have been crushed so many times before. You've reached out for sex and your spouse has repeatedly said no. The pattern creates a tremendous amount of fear of initiating any type of sexual contact because you become preoccupied with getting rejected again. So, you stop initiating because it's too risky.
The fourth thing that can happen when you're a high libido partner in a sexless marriage is you detach. Detachment can happen on two levels. First, it can happen on an emotional level, where you start walling yourself off, as a defense mechanism, because it's too painful to be vulnerable and get rejected. So perhaps you don't look at your partner as much, you don't share what’s going on in your life anymore, you don’t talk as much, and you try to be around them less. Second, you detach physically. You stop providing affection. The hugs, kisses, and snuggles go away. You start becoming an island within your marriage for safety, so you’re not continually hurt from the sexual rejection.
A fifth thing that can happen is distraction. Being a high libido partner in a sexless marriage creates feelings of despair and hopelessness. Therefore, many throw themselves into an activity as a distraction. Some may become a workaholic, others may go overboard with hobbies, or others may lose themselves in tech. Distraction becomes a common coping mechanism to deal with the feelings of despair from being in a sexless marriage.
The sixth thing that can happen to a high libido partner in a sexless marriage is desire for others. Since sex for high libido partners is the core activity that makes them feel loved and is akin to physical hunger, going without it for an extended period of time can feel like an emergency. Therefore, susceptibility to outsourcing for sexual satisfaction through porn or people significantly increases. Similar to someone who is starving and will start looking through dumpsters to find anything to eat, high libido partners will feel temptation to start looking for sexual satisfaction anywhere they can get it. To clarify, being in a sexless marriage never justifies adultery. However, being in a sexless marriage certainly raises the temptation to outsource sexually but it’s still your choice if you do.
So, if you’re male with a high libido and think to yourself "I hate my wife," most likely it’s from a lack of sex because it leads to rejection, inadequacy, fear, detachment, distraction, and desire.
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