If you're reading this article, you're either self-motivated to become a better husband or your wife has threatened you to improve. Either way, I'm glad you're here. Learning how to be a better husband is essential to promote a happy and lasting relationship. Like most wives, husbands have not been trained on how to be good partners. They were not raised with positive role models on what it looks like to be an amazing husband. Therefore, they enter adulthood not knowing the top ways to be an amazing partner. This post will show you how.
How To Be A Better Husband - 5 Steps
Step #1: Express Appreciation
The first thing to increase is appreciation. How often do you tell your wife what you admire about her? How often do you express appreciation? Appreciation can be about something she did that you admired. It can be character qualities about her that you love. It can be things about her physical appearance that you appreciate most. A lot of us don't say the positive things we appreciate because we don't think to or because we're so consumed with the negative. Most of us look for the areas we're not happy with. Those things are valid and need to be addressed; however, we also need to make a concerted effort to look for the good. Each night when you have your quality time together, start out by expressing appreciation. Comment on at least one thing you've admired or appreciated about your wife over the past 1-2 days. Doing so will make her feel loved and cherished.
Step #2: Provide Affection
If you're wondering how to be a better husband, the second thing to do is provide regular affection. The majority of women love affection. However, they want to be touched in a way they like to be touched. So, ask your wife what kind of affection she would like most. Would she like light tickles on her arm? Would she like firm massage on her shoulders? Would she like her hair played with? Some women love all types of affection and some are very particular with what they like. My wife, for example, only likes light tickles for affection and that's not my style of affection. My natural bent is to touch more firmly by squeezing arms, grabbing legs, or patting backs. That's the kind of affection I was given growing up. However, my wife was raised getting light tickles for affection, so I've had to learn to touch her that way for it to count as affection. Therefore, don't assume you know how your wife likes to be touched. You have to ask her, be receptive to her feedback, and then provide that kind of touch. Also, one of the worst things you can do is only touch her when you want to have sex. Your wife will quickly notice and then resent your touch because there's ulterior motives. You have to provide affection much more often than when you want to have sex so your wife feels like your touch has pure motives. One of the best times to provide affection is during the moments when you feel most positive toward her. As you notice things you admire and appreciate about your wife, let her know through your words and affectionate touch. Doing so will make your affection feel more authentic rather than forced.
Step #3: Do Thoughtful Gestures
If you're wondering how to be a better husband, the third way is through thoughtful gestures. Do something thoughtful for your wife at least once a day. Think about small acts of kindness you could do that she would appreciate. Maybe it's making her coffee in the morning or letting her sleep in a little longer while you make the kids breakfast. Daily be asking yourself "what is one small act of kindness I could do for her today that would make her life a little easier?" Try not to get into a rut where you do the same thing for her every day. Change it up and be creative. Also, each time you do something to make yourself more comfortable consider doing something similar to make her more comfortable. Most of us gravitate toward selfishness and think about what's best for us throughout the day. Instead, also consider what's best for your wife and serve her through thoughtful gestures.
Step #4: Provide Active Listening
Another essential element to becoming a better husband is being an active listener. An active listener is someone who fully focuses on their wife when they speak. This includes putting your phone down, looking at her, and providing your undivided attention. Doing so will make her feel like you care. Then, respond with empathy when she discusses challenging things in her life. Empathy expresses validation and support. Some of the best empathy statements to master include "makes sense you would feel ____ because of ____" or "I can see why you would feel ____ because of ____" or "that sucks" or "no wonder you feel that way" or "that sounds ___." Providing these types of empathy statements are most authentic when you know your wife well. To get to know her well, ask her what the most hurtful things were about her upbringing, what values she was raised with, what matters most to her in life, what her top stressors are, what her top marital needs are, and what her top dreams are for the future. Write down her answers to these questions and review them often because it will allow you to peer into her soul and understand how she sees the world. Then, with that information in the back of your mind, you will start to understand why certain things make her feel certain ways and that's when authentic empathy will flow. Also, never provide solutions or advice unless she asks for it so she doesn't feel like you're trying to fix her.
Step #5: Become A Good Lover
If you're wondering how to be a better husband, the fifth critical piece is learning how to be a good lover. First, it's vital to provide regular appreciation, affection, thoughtful gestures, and active listening so your wife is open to sexual contact. Asking for sex without those four elements being a regular part of your relationship will probably lead to her saying no. Most women need to feel emotionally connected and nurtured first before they are open to sexual intimacy. Second, when having sexual contact, remember to go slow. Most women need 15-30 minutes to reach orgasm because it takes them awhile to build arousal. Think of them as a crockpot, a slow cooker. Third, work your way from the outside in. For example, you could begin with a foot massage, then a hand massage, and then a shoulder massage. Use something smooth and clean like coconut oil when massaging. From there, you could start playing with her hair and giving light tickles to her shoulders, arms, back, and thighs. After providing massage and light tickles for around 10-15 minutes, gently start kissing her neck, shoulders, and mouth. Next, slowly move toward her breasts. Remember, outside in. Start by gently kissing and stroking the outside perimeter of her breasts then slowly work your way toward her nipples. The nipples are the most sensitive part, which is why you touch them last not first. After doing that for a few minutes slowly move to her vulva. Again, outside in is best because the clitoris is highly sensitive so touch it last not first. Start by gently stroking, kissing, and pinching the outer and inner lips of her vulva. Do this for several minutes. Then, slowly move to the clitoris and start experimenting with different types of touch, motion, and pressure. The touch can either be manual or oral. The motion can either be side to side or circular. The pressure can either be firm or light. She'll need to give you feedback during this time so you know what feels best to her, which may change as her arousal builds. Keep doing this activity until she climaxes. Then, if she's open to it, proceed to intercourse. For most women, pleasure decreases after intercourse begins because there's not enough clitoral stimulation, which is why you want to bring her to orgasm before intercourse to prioritize her experience first.
So, if you're wondering how to be a better husband, be sure to express appreciation, provide affection, do thoughtful gestures, be an active listener, and become a good lover.
Sign up for Dr. Wyatt's newsletter here and receive a FREE PDF on 15 Questions to Incredible Intimacy!
What else would you recommend for those wondering how to be a better husband?