What should I do if I hate my husband?
Begin by discussing how important emotional connection is for you. Next, explore resentments either of you may have toward one another because they need to be thoroughly addressed. Then, discuss how you could begin building emotional connection to feel closer moving forward.
I Hate My Husband | 4 Possible Solutions
1-Develop A Head/Heart Check Routine
If you are feeling like you hate your husband from a lack of emotional intimacy, start having a daily Head/Heart Check. First, both of you spend a few moments gathering your thoughts on what you felt from the day and why. The top four feelings are mad, sad, glad, or fear. Next, take turns asking your partner, "What's been on your head and heart today?" Try sharing your feelings like a paper with the title at the top and the words underneath. For example, today I felt a lot of anxiety and the reasons are x, y, and z. Sharing your feelings this way will make it easier for your partner to follow. Getting in touch with your feelings is a muscle. The more you intentionally practice it, the stronger you’ll be at it. It’s important to identify your feelings from the day because emotional intimacy is not just listening to your partner’s feelings but sharing yours too. See the sample below.
2-Don’t Criticize Your Partner
To keep the Head/Heart Check constructive, it’s important to not share any negative feelings towards your partner, use proper conflict resolution in marriage methods for that like the Reunite Tool. Therefore, you’ll be discussing negative feelings you have outside of your marriage. This could include negative feelings you may have towards your family, friends, and coworkers or it could be more topical such as negative feelings about your career, finances, or health. If you share negative feelings towards your partner during the Head/Heart Check, they will start to avoid it because it will turn into daily time to get criticized.
3-Don’t Give Advice
An important rule to follow during the Head/Heart Check is don’t offer any advice unless asked. Offering unsolicited advice is a big no, no yet we do it all the time. Our partner will vent about something distressing to them and we immediately start fixing by offering solutions. That's not what they want. If they wanted solutions, they would ask for them. When your partner vents, they want your emotional support to feel closer to you. If you provide solutions it will make them feel more antagonistic and distant with you.
4-Give Empathy Every Time
Empathy is the best way to respond to your partner venting during the Head/Heart Check. Empathy is not if you agree with what your partner is feeling. If it were you would rarely be able to provide it because you are a different person from your partner and probably wouldn’t feel similarly. Instead, empathy is when you put yourself in your spouse's shoes and try to see the situation from their vantage point. That can only happen if you’re mindful of all the variables that make your partner who they are. The top variables include their childhood emotional wounds, their childhood values, their adulthood insecurities, their adulthood values, their top stressors, their top marital needs, and their temperament. If you don’t know the answers to these topics about your partner, set aside time to ask them about each category. Write down their responses. Then meditate on their responses regularly, especially before your Head/Heart Check. Doing so will help you understand what makes your partner tick, which will help you see why they are feeling certain things in life. For example, my wife was isolated often during her upbringing because she lived with a single parent who traveled a lot. Therefore, one of her childhood wounds is feeling alone. This has made her hungry for extra close friendships in adulthood. During our Head/Heart Check she’ll often share how upset she is that certain friends aren’t making enough time for her. I personally wouldn’t feel similarly if I were in her shoes because I don’t have the same emotional wound in my background. However, when I consider her emotional wound of feeling alone growing up, I can see how she would feel hurt when her friends don’t make enough time for her. That’s how I can empathize with her feelings even if I personally wouldn’t feel the same way. Is it my job to highlight her childhood wound is probably getting activated, no! It’s my job to empathize to make her feel supported.
Some ideal empathy statements include “I can see why you would feel …… because of……” or “that makes sense you would feel ….. because of …..” Some shorter empathy statements can include “that sucks” or “no wonder you feel that way” or “that sounds really stressful.” With the example above of my wife venting about her friends not spending enough time with her I could empathize with “I can see how you would feel sad and frustrated that your friends aren’t making enough time for you. It makes sense that would upset you.” In the beginning, providing empathy may feel artificial because you probably aren’t used to responding that way. But like any new skill, you first have to learn how to do it until eventually it becomes more authentic and natural. Therefore, wives have grace while your husband is learning how to become more empathetic.
Emotional intimacy is knowing your partner’s inner thoughts and feelings. The more both partners are privy to what the other is thinking and feeling the more emotional intimacy they have. You may be asking why care about emotional intimacy? Why is it even important? First, emotional intimacy tends to be a top need for most females. I would say 95% of all couples I work with the woman says emotional intimacy is her top need in the relationship. Most females need emotional closeness like they need air, it’s essential. Second, emotional intimacy cultivates a best friendship in marriage. Feeling like best friends with our partner is ideal for all of us. Third, emotional intimacy is important in marriage because it usually leads to better sex. Most women can't be physically bare until they are emotionally bare first. Another way to put it is if you touch a woman’s heart, she’ll probably let you touch her body. Men are you paying attention? This is vital information!
John Gottman talks about the concept of a love map as a way to think about emotional intimacy. Think about the city where you live and a map of that city a hundred years ago, 50 years ago, and today. As you can imagine, the map has changed drastically over time. New buildings have gone up, new highways have been built, and new bridges have been created. Just like the map of cities are continually changing, so are we. What is stressful to me now is different than it was a month ago or three months ago or a year ago. I'm constantly changing and so are you. If we don't have a method that continually updates us on our partner’s inner map, we’ll get outdated. You may think you know your partner, but you actually don’t. When we feel like our partner doesn’t really know us, we usually withdrawal. So, it's critical for couples to have a method to cultivate emotional intimacy on a regular basis, to keep their love map updated!
So, if you have been thinking "I hate my husband" and the cause is from a lack of emotional intimacy, be sure to read this article together and follow the four steps.
Here are some articles for further reading.
Article on how to be a better husband
Article on how to be a better wife
Receive my FREE PDF on 4 Steps To Better Communication. Click here to get it!
Leave a comment below on what else could help if you start thinking "I hate my husband."
18 comments
Hi, I read this and thought this may actually help me. My husband is an amazing man but sometimes I feel more like his roommate. I’m a gift lover, and
Affectionate. But my husband doesn’t do any of these things. He think because he works and brings income in that I should be happy. I don’t want our marriage to fail but I’m beginning to feel unhappy, I’ve tried over and over to explain how I think we could fix it if he would just make a little more effort but he just gets mad. Sometimes I think to myself I deserve better, but I know he could be better if he would just put the effort behind it. For instance like today. I went to work and he went to watch a football game with his parents. I got off and came home and took a nap and called when I woke up to see what he was up to he said the game was over and he didn’t know what plans we had I then said I really wasn’t feeling up to going out so he said he’ll come home and cook, so he came home gave me our son and went to the kitchen and started watching football while the meat thawed. I tried to call for him a couple times to talk to him and he got mad because he’s watching football (remind you this is not even a game he planned to watch today). I’ve began to hate football due to his obsession with it. He ignores me for it, I honestly just hates phones in general, he lives in it. I just feel alone in my marriage right now and Idk how to fix this.
Hi Glennys, so sorry to hear of the betrayal and hurt you’ve experienced in your marriage! Unresolved resentment kills the fire in marriage so it makes sense you’re not excited to celebrate your anniversary. If someone’s partner cheats and they are fully remorseful then recovery is sometimes possible. If someone’s partner cheats a second time I often recommend not giving them another chance and ending the relationship. However, ending a relationship is often complicated because of finances and children. However, you don’t want to suffer your personal happiness for a lifetime for everyone else’s benefit. I would suggest reading my affair recovery article as a next step here https://www.drwyattfisher.com/blogs/marriage-blog/8-steps-to-affair-recovery Take Care, Dr. Wyatt
Good afternoon Dr Wyatt Fisher
I have just across your page.
My story is about events of 40 years ago. Nearly ten years of marriage my husband announced he’d had sex (once) and contracted STD. Turns out he and this person was a co-worker and they had met several times after work at the pub and ended up having sex. And yes, I was also infected with the STD. I was a stay at home mother with 2 small children. I earns small amounts teaching sports, enough for few extras but not enough to live off. He had studied part time and got his accountancy degree. Intention I was to go back to studies when children little older. Through the haze of learning of his infidelity, the subsequent lies and deceit over there being more sexual encounters til the STD brought the relationship to a halt, I decided that his remorse and guilt were a form of apology. The children’s security, stability and happiness were paramount. In those times women were very much left out in the cold in marriage breakdowns. So I decided to repatriate the marriage. Yes, I do believe he did not have any further contact with this person. He has a large ego and it took a double hit, the STD and having to admit being unfaithful. We mustered along. Moved interstate for work. Eventually bought accountancy business and I worked with him in that. We were not always the happiest of people. But on the surface we looked good. Our daughters at my insistence studied, travelled and eventually moved back to home state. We sold up some years later after my fathers death. As we now face our 50th wedding anniversary I am disinterested. Over the past few years there have been triggers and this has resurfaced. Since then I am obsessed with this other person, a person I declared as nameless, faceless, worthless. He lied, told me a prepared story initially,he said meaningless sex, that she meant nothing to him. But he went to the well more than once. I say she got time attention care and consideration and I got ignored was irrelevant and insignificant at times he was in her company, clothes on or off. I want him to admit the truth. I feel the truth to be sex with her for as often and a period of time until one or other got sick of it, or one or other wanted a more substantial relationship. Meaningless sex with someone who meant nothing to him and who he was never going to leave me for to me means it could have happily existed as a sexual relationship where he could cheat behind my back and lie to my face. He has refused to discuss, then or now, refused counseling back then. I have told him he introduced her to our marriage. My memories are tainted because she is there in background. He told me to get over it and move on which I did for decades.We did not have the emotional arsenal to deal with it then. We were plunged into darkness. My daughters are unaware of their fathers infidelity, certainly have not been told and were too young at the time. I hope I have shielded them and 40 years later it is unnecessary to raise it with them. As 50 years together in marriage looms I don’t want any celebration. I don’t think I even want to acknowledge the event. I need to know how to deal with this, and I also need to know why, now, is this nameless, faceless, worthless person so prominent in my mind. Have I detected some hidden hurt on my husbands part, am I looking for answers to the questions I had back in 1981, am I just playing the victim? We are in our 70’s now and not in a position to set up separate households. Also the majority of our investments are inherited from my parents and in event of separation or divorce he is entitled to 50% and I’m not prepared to divide it. He was fortunate to have great in-laws and their memories are not to be sullied in any way, particularly like this. I’ve given my heart and soul to him, I want him to reciprocate. I bear no responsibility but I think I loved, trusted, had too much blind faith and he abused that. I think you lie to those you believe don’t deserve truth or are too stupid to be told truth. I’ve asked over and over is this what he truly believes. He denies. You don’t cheat on those you love. He forgot his family, I’ll always way remember that and until I rid myself of this I won’t get over his poor choices, or respect him again.
I hope you will answer my email. I’d like to know how to pick up pieces and enjoy liking him again.
But thank you for taking time to read this. I look forward to a response.
Glennys Leury
Melbourne, Australia
Hi Kelsie, thanks for leaving a comment. I do see couples. Check out my marriage counseling page on my website.
Spot on dr fisher. I’m located in Denver, do you see couples? I hate my husband and this is why.