sex positions

Sex Positions | 3 Reasons to Vary Your Sexual Positions

Sex is a massive topic for couples and one that's often not discussed enough. Some partners have positive associations with sex because they have a biologically strong libido combined with positive sexual experiences growing up. In contrast, other partners have negative associations with sex because they have a biologically weak libido combined with negative sexual experiences growing up. As you can imagine, these differences can create all sorts of issues in a relationship. The high libido partner desires sex but the low libido partner doesn't. If the low libido partner declines the offer the high libido partner feels rejected and retreats emotionally. However, if the low libido partner accepts the offer reluctantly and proceeds to have obligation sex, they feel used and retreat emotionally. What's a couple to do? 

Sexual Positions | Why variety is important?

1-Optimize Pleasure

Sexual pleasure is a major reason for intercourse. However, arousal for most females goes down once intercourse begins because there's not enough clitoral stimulation. When a woman's sexual pleasure goes down she starts to feel trapped. "Do I let my partner know this doesn't feel good and risk disappointing them?" or "Do I fake it and pretend I really enjoy this even though I don't?" Both are horrible options. The moment pleasure starts to decrease during intercourse the experience starts to deteriorate. Moreover, what feels amazing to one partner may not feel good at all to the other partner. This is the ultimate opportunity to practice being one eye in one eye out by continually focusing on what feels good for you and what feels good for your partner, not one or the other. Therefore, it's vital you talk to your partner during intercourse on how the position feels. Experiment with multiple positions until you find some that feel best for both of you. Not surprisingly, women tend to prefer positions that optimize clitoral stimulation and men tend to prefer positions that feel erotic. Finding win/win sex positions won't happen naturally. It will only come through experimentation and open dialogue along the way. 

2-Maintain Interests

Another reason to vary up sex positions is to maintain your interest in sex. For many couples sex becomes extremely predictable and anything that becomes predictable becomes boring. Think vanilla ice cream. When sex becomes predictable we tend to lose interest. I've heard many partners say they lost interest in sex because it became too predictable. They felt bored and trapped because their partner was reluctant to try other positions. We have been given five senses to experience the world and our partner. When we experience something novel, our senses are heightened and our arousal increases. However, the opposite is also true. When sex becomes predictable, our senses are dulled and arousal decreases. Therefore, varying up your sex positions will keep things fresh. Also, experiment with heightening your five senses during sex. For example, think about how to vary up the level of lighting, what you listen to, what you're tasting, what you're feeling kinesthetically, and what you're smelling. Changing up your sensory experiences will heighten your overall pleasure and interest in sex.  

3-New Adventures

A third reason to try different sex positions is it's healthy to have new experiences together as a couple. When couples experience new things together, no matter what it is, they often feel closer and more bonded. These new experiences can come from traveling to new countries, eating at new restaurants, or trying new sex positions. The key word here is new. Experiencing something new with your partner both in and outside the bedroom is a wonderful way to stay in love. In addition, trying new sex positions creates a sense of adventure. We are wired for adventure but often our modern day office job existence deprives us of it. Adventure brings with it adrenaline and risk, which can be extremely fun and memorable. Trying a variety of sex positions can infuse exciting feelings of adventure into your relationship without ever leaving your home! 

Sex Positions | How do we get started?

First, work through any resentments you have in your relationship. Resentments are extremely common for long-term couples because of needs and expectations not being met. It's hard to have sex with someone you resent! Therefore, a first step is resolving resentments through various tools, such as the Reunite Tool for conflict resolution.
Second, you must build your friendship because it's hard to have sex with someone you're not friends with. Build friendship by having two mini dates per week that are 2-4 hours long each. Within the mini dates cultivate emotional intimacy by sharing everything you thought and felt from the day, provide lots of affection, and have fun together by doing something recreational you both would enjoy.
Third, start having sensual activity together, such as cuddling, sensual massage, or bathing or showering together. Sensual time is non-sexual so keep your undergarments or bathing suits on during these activities. This is time to explore your partner's body non-sexually to see what feels good to them. For example, you may discover your partner loves having their arms lightly tickled but hates it when you rub their back. It's important to take turns being the giver and receiver during sensual time and practice open communication to train your partner on how to touch your body. 
Fourth, after sensual activity if you're both aroused or open to getting aroused is when you move into the sexual tier. Make sexual activity more clitoral focused than penetration focused to prioritize the woman's experience first and foremost.

In sum, varying things up in the bedroom will greatly benefit your relationship by optimizing pleasure, maintaining interests, and adding adventure. 

Check out the articles below for more helpful information. 

Learn why you should try mutual masturbation

Learn how to improve married sex

Learn the top wife sex tips

Learn how to avoid falling into a sexless marriage

Learn the top tips for amazing sexy massages 

Learn four reasons to try sexy games

Dr. Wyatt Fisher

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