wife sex

Two Steps For Better Sex With Your Wife

Husband and wife sex is a major topic because many husbands wish their wives wanted more sex and it's often a mystery to them why they don't. There are many things lower libido partners can do to enhance their drive. However, today I'm going to cover the top two things husbands can do to enhance their wife's desire for sex. 

Wife Sex Tip #1

One reason you may find yourself in a sexless marriage is because women are wired for relationship.  You need to cultivate the emotional connection with your wife for her to be open to the sexual connection. One way to think about it is women need to be emotionally bare before they can become physically bear. Emotional intimacy involves sharing your inner world. What's really going on for you? What are your highs? What are your lows? What are you really thinking? Most females desire that level of connection. They want to not only share their inner world, but they want to hear yours too. Doing so will make them feel close to you. I recommend the Head/Heart Check to facilitate this. The head is your agenda, which includes the tasks that fill up your day. The heart is what you’re feeling, so mad, sad, glad or fear and why. View the Head/Heart Check like two bookends to your day. Do it first thing in the morning for 5-10 minutes then again at night for 30-60 minutes. If you're not very good at identifying your feelings, consider journaling every day for a few minutes to get more in touch with yourself.

Emotional intimacy also includes responding with empathy to your wife’s venting. When your wife is venting about stress in her life, do not fix it, do not correct it, and do not curb it. Instead, empathize with it. Empathy statements are short, simple phrases that make her feel like you have her back. Some easy phrases for empathy are “that sucks” or “that sounds really frustrating” or “no wonder you feel that way.” The more you respond with empathy, the closer she’ll feel with you. To foster authentic empathy, consider all the variables that make up who she is. For example, what were the top emotional wounds from her upbringing? What were her family values growing up? What are her top insecurities as an adult? What are her top values as an adult? What does she worry most about currently? What are her top marital needs? What are her top aspirations currently? What's her temperament like, such as extroverted vs introverted. Ask her these questions and write down the responses and meditate on them to absorb how she is wired and what makes her tick. Then, be mindful of all those pieces that make her tick when she is talking to you. Doing so will help you more readily understand where she is coming from and why she feels what she does. 

Another element of cultivating connection is quality time. Make sure you're carving out time from your busy life to connect. Healthy couples have two mini dates per week up to two hours each without tech or kids. Regular quality time shows her that you care.

The last piece to connection is affection. Most females desire affectionate, non-sexual touch with no strings attached. If you only touch her when you want sex, she'll associate your touch with sex and resent it. Therefore, you have to flood her with affection regularly. You also need to learn how and where she likes to be touched. For example, perhaps she loves her hair stroked but hates it when you rub her arms. Ask her what type of affection she loves most. Don't make any assumptions. Your version of affection may be completely different than what she desires. 

Wife Sex Tip #2

Married sex for heterosexual couples works best when it's more clitoral focused than penetration focused. Once intercourse begins, pleasure decreases for most women because there's not enough clitoral stimulation. A third or less women orgasm through intercourse because of this. Also, it takes most men 3-5 minutes to reach orgasm and 15-30 minutes for most women. In heterosexual marriages if the man has the higher libido, he normally moves to intercourse quickly and climaxes before his wife has built much arousal. Not surprisingly, this pattern makes wives avoid sex because there’s nothing in it for them! There needs to be a paradigm shift where the focus is on clitoral stimulation, not on penetration. In this way, you're serving your wife first. You're thinking about her experience first. You're thinking about what would be pleasurable for her first. Ultimately, men want their wife to enjoy the sexual encounter because that makes it enjoyable for them. Therefore, you need to put your needs of penetration in the back seat and your wife’s clitoris in the front seat. 

Here are some interesting facts from Ian Kerns book "She Comes First" about the clitoris you may not be aware of. The clitoris is the only part of the human body whose sole function is pleasure. The clitoral head has over 8,000 nerve fibers, but the head of the penis only has 4,000. The clitoris is formed from the same embryonic material as the penis. The clitoris gets larger when aroused, just like a penis. The outer lips of the vulva are made from the same material as the scrotum. The protective hood covering the clitoral head is akin to the foreskin covering the penis. The five sensory hot spots of the clitoris include the clitoral shaft, the clitoral head, the frenulum, the premium, and the clitoral cluster. The clitoral cluster is better known as the G spot and is behind the vaginal wall on the other side of the clitoris. Last, the vulva is actually cleaner than the human mouth.

So, a possible sexual encounter could begin with a bath or shower together to candlelight and soft music playing. Then, start lightly caressing, kissing or massaging your wife for 10-15 minutes without touching her vulva so she has time to build arousal. Caress and kiss her hair, face, shoulders, arms, hands, stomach, legs, and then breasts. Next, move to the vulva and start on the outside and slowly work your way to the clitoris. Initial activity can include gentle pinches and kisses to the outer and inner lips of the vulva for 3-5 minutes. Then, move toward the clitoris and begin experimenting with types of pressure and motion. For example, some women enjoy light pressure on their clitoris whereas others enjoy firm pressure. Where a woman is in her arousal also may influence the type of pressure she desires. Also, experiment with the type of motion applied to her clitoris. Some women like firm pressure with no motion so they can move against it for pleasure whereas others may enjoy a vertical, horizontal, or circular motion or some combination of all three. Last, experiment with using your hand, tongue, or a combination of both to see which feels best to her. Be sure to keep lines of communication open on what your wife wants more of, less of, etc. Continue this activity until she orgasms to ensure her pleasure comes first and then proceed to intercourse if she is open to it. 

So, there you have it, the top two tips to improve husband and wife sex. First, you have to improve your emotional closeness through intimate sharing, quality time, and affection. Second, you must make your sexual encounters more clitoral focused than penetration focused.  

Click on the articles below for further reading.

Learn the benefits of mutual masturbation

How to improve married sex

Why you should change your sex positions

How to improve a sexless marriage

Why sexy massages need to be a part of your relationship

Why you need to try sexy games

How to quit porn

Dr. Wyatt Fisher

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Leave a comment below on other ideas to enhance husband and wife sex.

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Hi Sue, thanks for the feedback and so glad you felt the article was “spot on.” For tips on how to approach sex for high libido partners check out the article link on this page for “How to improve a sexless marriage.”

Dr. Wyatt

The article “Wife Sex | Top Two Tips for Improvement” was spot-on! Might there be an article similar for “Men Sex/Top Two Tips for Improvement”?


Thanks for the feedback Laura and I really appreciate your heart to show up equally for your partner! Be sure to listen to episode #127 on my Dr. Wyatt Show podcast on Four Ways To Love A Man.

Dr. Wyatt Fisher

You’re very welcome Michael. Glad both you and your wife found the article helpful!

Dr. Wyatt Fisher

I ask that you post the same thing from husband perspective so we can both show up for each other. Thanks!


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