Healing your resentments is the first step to improving your marriage. It's hard to feel like friends and have intimacy with someone you resent. Therefore, it's an essential first step. But where do you begin? How do you do it? This post will show a couple working through a resentment using the Reunite Tool to keep the conversation safe and constructive.
One common resentment in marriage is feeling like the workload is unbalanced. Whether it's house chores, managing kids, or simply keeping life moving forward, it’s easy for couples to fall into unspoken roles and expectations that slowly lead to frustration, stress, and emotional disconnection.
Let’s explore how one couple, played by Dr. Wyatt, bravely worked through this issue in a calm, constructive way using the Reunite Tool. This step-by-step method helps couples express grievances without blame, actively listen, and develop solutions together.
Therapist:
Hey John and Sally, good to see you guys today. I know you signed up for couples therapy because you want help for your troubled marriage. As you know, we've been working through your resentments one step at a time, because nothing goes well when you have active resentments. We've been using the Reunite Tool. Today, John, it's your turn to go next. The next resentment I have on your list that you wanted to talk about was the uneven workload. So, whenever you're ready, John.
Complainer Steps
Pre-Step-Abbreviated complaint
John:
Okay. This is about feeling like the majority of the work to keep our life moving forward is on my shoulders.
Step 1- Progress
John:
Thank you for improving—recently you've been offering to help out more with taking the kids to their appointments and helping out more with the house chores. I do appreciate that progress, and I've been noticing it.
Step 2a-Benefit of the doubt-past
John:
It makes sense that working around the house, doing chores regularly, and preparing meals doesn’t necessarily come naturally to you, because I know you’ve mentioned your mom did all that for you growing up. Is that right? And what else from your past may contribute?
Sally:
Yeah, that’s right. My mom did everything for me growing up, so I didn’t really have to do chores myself. I think that’s rubbed off. As you know, I grew up in Hawaii, and my family wasn’t very focused on chores or to-do lists—we were at the beach a lot, having barbecues, and just relaxing.
Step 2b-Benefit of the doubt-current
John:
It also makes sense that you’ve been a stay-at-home mom for about 10 years now, and I can see how that would probably make you burned out and not have much energy to chip in with other chores or tasks. You're feeling burned out, is that right? And what else from your circumstances may be contributing?
Sally:
Yeah, that’s also right. Raising our kids and chasing them around the house all day—it’s hard to have much energy to do much else. So it’s hard for me to do the chores, prepare meals, participate in paying bills—it's just hard for me to do anything because I’m so wiped out at the end of the day. I feel really spread thin.
Step 3a-Your contribution
John:
I acknowledge that I’ve also contributed to this because I tend to just do things and take care of things, so it probably sends the signal that I don’t really need much help. I’m probably giving a false impression that I’m okay with our arrangement instead of being clearer with how I’ve been feeling about it. Is that right? And how else have I contributed?
Sally:
Yeah, that is right. Often you don’t mention how you’re feeling and you just do a lot of things, so I think, “Well, that must be how he likes it,” and you’re not really saying you don’t like it. So it gives the impression that you’re okay with our arrangement, and I really don’t know any different.
Step 3b-Your past
John:
I'm also bringing a sensitivity to this topic because it taps into my value system. Growing up, my family was very industrious—we did a lot of chores. We didn’t sit down very often. We were mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, washing cars, painting fences—we were constantly doing tasks. So what I feel in our marriage often violates that value system I was raised with.
Step 4-Complaint
John:
Overall, there’s been a pattern of feeling like there’s an uneven workload—that the majority of tasks to keep our house and life moving forward are on my shoulders. That makes me feel stressed, unappreciated, and frustrated. It taps into my core need to feel like things are fair and that we’re a team.
Therapist:
Good job, John. Okay, you're done with the complainer steps. Now, Sally, it’s your turn for the listener steps.
Listener Steps
Step 1a-Summary
Sally:
Okay, so you feel like there’s been a pattern of uneven workload, and that the majority of things that keep our life moving forward are on your shoulders. That makes you feel taken for granted, stressed, and frustrated, and it taps into your core need for fairness and feeling like a team. Is that right?
John:
Yeah, that’s right.
Step 1b-50% rule
Sally silently mulls over the complaint and searches for the kernel of truth she can own without excuses.
Step 2-Ownership
Sally:
I own that I don’t do much when it comes to chores. I also own that I tend to assume our arrangement is okay instead of checking in with you to make sure you feel okay with it too.
Step 3-Empathy
Sally:
I can see how me not doing more chores and assuming you’re okay with our arrangement would make you feel frustrated, stressed, and taken for granted.
Step 4-Apology
Sally:
I’m sorry for how my tendency to not do many chores and to assume you’re okay with our arrangement makes you feel frustrated, stressed, and taken for granted.
Step 5-Making Amends
Sally:
Moving forward, how about we sit down and discuss chores—what would be appropriate for me to start doing, which chores you want to do, and which chores the kids should be doing? That way we can get on the same page and have the same expectations. That could help make sure the arrangement is working for both of us so things feel fair. What do you think? And what else would you appreciate?
John:
Thanks. I think those ideas could actually help a lot. I think we just have different expectations and we don’t communicate about it. Then I build resentments and stuff them down, so I know you’re in the dark a lot. I do think it would help if we sat down, wrote down all the chores, and figured out how to divvy them up in a way that feels fair for both of us—so we feel more like a team, and there aren't hidden expectations beneath the surface. I think that would help.
Therapist:
Good job to both of you. This is how you address resentments—you work through them one at a time using the Reunite Tool so it’s calm and constructive. I feel like you both did a really good job following those steps, and the ideas you came up with sound like they could be really helpful.
Key Takeaways for Your Marriage
If you’re struggling with resentment in your relationship, here are a few key lessons from John and Sally’s experience:
1-Don’t wait until resentment builds.
Address concerns early, before they turn into emotional walls.
2-Use a calm, structured process.
The Reunite Tool helps couples speak and listen without defensiveness or blame.
3-Own your contributions.
Both partners should take responsibility for the dynamic—not just point fingers.
4-Explore personal histories and values.
Understanding your partner’s background helps you see where they’re coming from.
5-Create a shared plan.
Check in weekly on the progress because the best way to say sorry is changed behavior.
Final Thoughts
Marriage is a team sport. With open communication, mutual understanding, and shared planning, you can create a marriage where both partners feel valued, supported, and like true teammates.
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What else do you feel can help heal resentments?