Has your partner ever said or done something that hurt your feelings or frustrated you—but you weren’t sure how to respond without starting a fight?
It happened to me not long ago. My wife and I were driving down the road. Normally, we talk during car rides, but this time, I looked over and noticed she was playing a game on her phone. I thought she’d stop after a while, but she didn’t. She kept playing, and I began to feel frustrated. A part of me wanted to speak up immediately, but I knew it wouldn’t go well.
In this post, I’m going to share three object lessons that teach how to fight fair in your marriage. Then, I’ll walk you through how I handled that moment in the car—so you can apply the same approach in your own relationship.
Object Lesson #1: The Tug of War
When couples argue, many slip into a mental tug of war—trying to prove who’s right, who’s wrong, or who’s more hurt. But fighting fair is not about winning. It’s about hearing each other’s experiences and working together to reconnect.
Picture a rope being pulled back and forth. If you both keep pulling, the tension only increases. Fighting fair means putting the rope down and leaning in with curiosity. Instead of trying to win, try to understand.
Object Lesson #2: The Toothpaste
Think of your words like toothpaste. Once they come out, you can’t put them back in.
If you speak in the heat of the moment—especially if you’re impulsive, sarcastic, or harsh—those words can’t be undone. Even if you say "I didn’t mean it" or "I’m sorry," the impact lingers. The damage is done.
This is why fighting fair means slowing down and choosing your words carefully. Your words can either build a bridge or burn one.
Object Lesson #3: The Rock vs. The Egg
How do you show up in conflict—like a rock or like an egg?
If you’re a rock, you might plow through your partner’s feelings with force and certainty, causing cracks in the relationship. But if you’re more like an egg, you're delicate, gentle, and thoughtful in how you approach things—especially when your partner is vulnerable.
When sharing something that hurt or frustrated you, don’t be a rock. Be mindful. Be tender. Your relationship is fragile in those moments—handle with care.
How I Handled the Phone Game Incident
So, let’s go back to that moment in the car. My wife was glued to a game on her phone, and I felt ignored and hurt. Like many of you, I faced a common dilemma:
Do I say something now and risk a fight, or do I stuff it down and pretend I’m fine?
What I chose to do was neither.
I didn’t bring it up in the moment because I knew I was emotionally flooded. I was frustrated, and if I had spoken then, it probably would’ve come out poorly. Instead, I waited.
Later that day, during our daily Bullseye Question routine (where we ask each other, “What’s one thing I did right today, and what’s one thing I could’ve done better?”), I brought it up then.
Two Keys That Made the Conversation Go Well
When I shared my feelings, I followed two crucial rules that kept the conversation respectful and productive:
1. I Left Out the Word “You”
Saying “you” tends to sound accusatory. “You ignored me,” “You don’t care,” “You’re always on your phone”—all of these spark defensiveness. Instead, I described the situation in neutral terms.
2. I Left Out the Story
The story is the narrative we create about our partner’s intentions. Things like:
“She did that because she doesn’t care.”
“He did that because he’s selfish.”
“She’s just being disrespectful.”
These assumptions often aren’t true—and even if they are, stating them doesn’t help. It makes your partner feel judged and misunderstood.
Instead, I stuck to the facts and my feelings. I said like:
“Earlier today while we were driving, we had an opportunity to talk and connect, but instead there were phone games being played. That frustrated me and hurt my feelings.”
That’s it. No blame. No assumptions. No accusations. Just truth, told gently.
How You Can Apply This in Your Marriage To Fight Fair
The next time your partner does something that hurts your feelings or frustrates you, here’s a simple formula to fight fair:
1-Pause. Don’t bring it up in the heat of the moment—especially if you’re flooded or irritated.
2-Deflood. Wait until you're calm and emotionally grounded.
3-Share the facts. Say what happened, without exaggeration or added stories.
4-Name your feelings. Use "I felt" statements—not “you” accusations.
5-Leave out the story. Don’t try to explain your partner’s behavior for them. Let them speak for themselves.
A Final Word of Encouragement
Fighting fair doesn’t mean avoiding conflict—it means learning to approach it with love, respect, and clarity. Most couples don’t fight too much; they fight poorly. The real problem is how you fight—not the fact that you fight.
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What else do you think could help couples fight fair?