In this post, I’m covering the five main reasons couples get a divorce—and, more importantly, how to stop it from happening. At the end, I’ll also share my personal story of how my wife and I almost divorced and what saved our marriage.
5 Reasons Marriages Fail
1. Lack of Time Together
When couples first start dating, they spend hours together—talking, laughing, exploring, and connecting. That time builds attachment. But as life goes on, time together becomes rare. Careers, kids, chores, and constant busyness eat away at connection. Slowly, partners drift apart without even realizing it.
You can’t feel close to your spouse if you barely see each other. Quality time is the oxygen of a relationship. Without it, the bond suffocates. Many couples rarely take vacations together or even enjoy weekend getaways. Those shared experiences matter.
To stop drifting, intentionally schedule time for one another. Plan date nights, short trips, or even quiet evenings at home without distractions. Protect those moments like they’re sacred—because they are. The more you invest in shared time, the stronger your emotional connection becomes.
2. Lack of Emotional Intimacy
In the early days of love, emotional intimacy flows naturally. You’re curious about each other. You share dreams, fears, and stories late into the night. Over time, though, stress and routine take over. You stop asking deep questions. Conversations become about logistics—bills, kids, chores—instead of feelings and dreams.
When emotional intimacy fades, you start feeling unknown and unseen. The friendship that once anchored your marriage erodes. For many people, that emotional bond is the heart of the relationship, and without it, disconnection sets in fast.
To rebuild emotional intimacy, you first need to address unresolved resentment. You can’t feel close when anger or hurt is in the way. Once you begin healing those wounds, you can rediscover curiosity about your partner. Ask about their day, their stresses, their hopes. Listen without trying to fix. Emotional closeness grows when both people feel safe, heard, and understood.
3. Lack of Physical Intimacy
Physical touch is a vital part of connection. In the beginning, couples can’t keep their hands off each other. But over time, affection fades. Kisses become quick pecks. Hand-holding stops. Sexual intimacy dwindles or disappears altogether.
When that happens, the relationship starts to feel more like a business partnership or friendship than a romantic one. Most couples don’t get married to become roommates or siblings. Yet that’s exactly how many end up feeling.
To reignite physical intimacy, start small. Hold hands again. Hug when you wake up and before bed. Kiss longer than usual. Make time for affection without always expecting it to lead to sex. Physical closeness builds emotional closeness—and vice versa. It reminds both partners, “We’re still in this together.”
4. Lack of Feeling Like Allies
When you’re emotionally and physically connected, you naturally feel like a team—two people on the same side. But when connection fades, you begin to feel like adversaries instead of allies. Little differences suddenly feel huge. You start thinking you’re “just not compatible.”
Here’s the truth: those differences were always there. What’s changed isn’t your compatibility—it’s your bond. Compatibility is not something you find; it’s something you build. It’s learned through compromise, empathy, and a willingness to meet in the middle.
If your spouse likes things one way and you prefer another, the goal isn’t for one of you to “win.” The goal is to find a middle ground that honors both people. The more you practice this, the more aligned you’ll feel. Being allies doesn’t mean agreeing on everything—it means facing your differences as a team.
5. Lack of Grit
Finally, many marriages fail because couples lose grit—the perseverance to push through hard seasons. We live in a culture obsessed with comfort and instant gratification. When relationships get tough, people assume they must be with the wrong person instead of realizing all long-term relationships go through hard times.
Our grandparents understood grit because life demanded it from them. They endured hardship together and came out stronger. Today, we give up too easily. We confuse unhappiness with failure when, in fact, hard seasons are often the doorway to growth.
My wife and I went through one of those brutal seasons early in our marriage. She carried trauma from her past, and I didn’t respond well to it. We developed painful cycles that eroded our intimacy and trust. As a therapist in training, I made the mistake of trying to be our counselor—a terrible idea that only prolonged our pain.
Eventually, when our relationship was hanging by a thread, I humbled myself and agreed to get professional help. That decision saved our marriage. Over five years, we worked with multiple therapists—couples therapists, trauma specialists, intimacy counselors. Slowly, we began to heal. We dealt with our resentments, rebuilt trust, and rediscovered how to meet each other’s needs.
It wasn’t fast, and it wasn’t easy. In fact, those years were some of the hardest of my life. But we didn’t give up. We learned that grit—the determination to stay and grow through the pain—was what transformed our marriage from surviving to thriving. Today, we’re more connected and fulfilled than ever before.
Bringing It All Together
The five reasons couples divorce—lack of time, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, partnership, and grit—are deeply interconnected. When one area weakens, the others often follow. But the good news is that when you strengthen even one area, the others begin to improve too.
Start with small steps. Schedule quality time. Have honest conversations about feelings. Be affectionate. Look for compromise instead of control. And above all, commit to the long game. Love isn’t about constant happiness; it’s about continual growth.
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What else do you think causes marriages to fail?