If your partner has ever said, “I don’t feel very connected,” it’s time to pay attention. That single phrase is one of the biggest red flags in a marriage. When a spouse expresses disconnection, it often means they’re feeling alone, hopeless, and unsure about the future of the relationship.
As a couples therapist who’s been in private practice since 2004 and has helped over a thousand couples restore their connection, I can tell you that disconnection doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual drift that comes from years of small communication breakdowns. The good news is that connection can be rebuilt—and it often begins with improving the communication in your relationship.
8 Mistakes In Communication In Relationships
1. Changing Topics Too Quickly
When your partner shares something about their day, do you stay engaged—or do you change the subject to something else, like the kids or the family dog?
If you often change topics when your partner is trying to open up, it can feel like you’re not interested or paying attention. They may interpret it as a lack of care or focus, and over time, they’ll stop sharing altogether.
Fix it: Stay on topic. If your partner is talking about their stress at work, keep the conversation there. Ask questions, listen attentively, and show curiosity about what they’re feeling. Staying with their story builds emotional safety and demonstrates respect.
2. Making the Conversation About You
It’s natural to want to relate by saying, “I’ve been through that too,” or sharing a similar story. But when you consistently bring the focus back to yourself, it shifts attention away from your partner and their emotions.
Even if your intention is to show understanding, it can come across as self-centered. Over time, this habit discourages your partner from opening up because they feel unheard.
Fix it: Practice staying with their story. Instead of jumping in with your own experience, say something like, “That sounds really hard. Tell me more about how you handled that.” This keeps the emotional spotlight where it belongs—on your partner.
3. Failing to Provide Minimal Encouragers
Minimal encouragers are small gestures that say, “I’m listening—keep going.” These can be simple nods, facial expressions, or short verbal cues like “Wow,” “Really?” or “Man.”
Without these subtle signs of engagement, your partner may feel like they’re talking to a wall. The absence of response can come across as indifference or boredom.
Fix it: Use both verbal and nonverbal encouragers. Let your facial expressions reflect empathy or surprise when appropriate. These signals show genuine interest and make your partner feel heard.
4. Not Summarizing What You Hear
When your partner shares something important and you respond with silence or a quick “Got it,” it doesn’t communicate deep listening. Summarizing what you’ve heard is one of the most effective ways to validate your partner.
For example, if your spouse says, “I felt ignored at dinner tonight with my friends,” you might respond, “So you felt left out when everyone else was talking?” That short reflection tells them you were truly listening.
Fix it: Offer brief summaries or paraphrases during conversations. This not only reassures your partner that you’re engaged, but it also helps them clarify their own emotions and thoughts.
5. Skipping Follow-Up Questions
Asking thoughtful follow-up questions communicates genuine curiosity. But if your questions are self-serving or surface-level, they can shut the conversation down.
For example, if your spouse says they had a stressful day and you reply, “So does that mean you won’t have time to make dinner?”—that question focuses on your needs, not theirs.
Fix it: Ask deeper questions that help your partner process their experience. Try things like, “What part of the day felt the most stressful?” or “What about that made you feel most anxious?” These questions help your partner feel supported and understood.
6. Offering Solutions Instead of Empathy
When your spouse talks about their struggles, do you jump in to fix the problem? While problem-solving comes from a good place, it often shuts down emotional connection.
Your partner likely wants empathy more than advice. They want to feel seen and understood, not managed.
Fix it: Replace solutions with empathy. Say things like, “I can see how that would be really upsetting,” or “That must have been so discouraging.” These types of statements make your partner feel safe, validated, and emotionally connected to you.
7. Lacking Warmth in Your Tone or Body Language
When your partner talks to you, do you smile, make eye contact, or offer a gentle touch? Or do you look distracted, distant, or cold?
Warmth communicates safety and affection. Without it, even a simple conversation can feel sterile or tense. Small gestures—like a nod, a soft tone, or a reassuring touch—signal love and attentiveness.
Fix it: Be intentional about warmth. Smile occasionally, soften your voice, or place your hand on your partner’s arm. These small moments of tenderness create a powerful sense of closeness and reassurance.
8. Not Giving Eye Contact
Eye contact is one of the most direct ways to build emotional connection. When your partner speaks and you’re glued to your phone or watching TV, it communicates that they’re not a priority.
Distraction during conversations signals disinterest, which over time erodes intimacy.
Fix it: When your partner begins speaking, pause what you’re doing, make eye contact, and give them your full attention. This simple shift can instantly make your partner feel more valued and connected.
Rebuilding Connection Starts with Communication
If you don’t want to hear your partner say, “I don’t feel very connected,” start by improving your communication habits today. Here’s a quick recap of the eight ways to reconnect through conversation:
1.Stay on topic—don’t change the subject.
2.Keep the focus on your partner, not yourself.
3.Use minimal encouragers to show you’re listening.
4.Summarize what you hear to confirm understanding.
5.Ask follow-up questions that dig deeper.
6.Offer empathy instead of jumping to solutions.
7.Be warm, gentle, and emotionally available.
8.Give your full eye contact and attention.
When you begin practicing these habits, you create an environment where both partners feel safe to open up. That’s where intimacy and trust begin to grow.
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What else would you recommend to improve communication in relationships?