Is trauma from your past quietly sabotaging your relationship? Many couples struggle with recurring conflict, emotional disconnection, or intense reactions that seem bigger than the moment. Often, what’s happening beneath the surface is unresolved trauma showing up inside the marriage.
In this article, I’ll share some of the best marriage advice for preventing trauma from ruining your relationship, including how trauma manifests, how to tell whether your reaction is about your past or your partner, and how couples can stay allies instead of becoming adversaries.
Marriage Advice Tip #1: What Trauma Is and How It Shows Up in Relationships
Trauma can develop in many ways growing up. You might have experienced trauma from not feeling loved, feeling abandoned, feeling emotionally neglected, feeling voiceless, or feeling unsafe expressing your needs. The definition of trauma is broad, and most people did not have a perfect upbringing.
Because of that, many adults carry some level of unresolved trauma into their marriage. These wounds don’t stay dormant. They surface as sensitivities, emotional triggers, strong reactions, or shutdowns. Suddenly, you’re arguing over something small, but the emotional intensity feels overwhelming.
Marriage Advice Tip #2: Is It Your Past or Your Partner?
How do we know if our frustrations are from our partner or our past? If you have a trauma background most of the time, it’s both.
Sometimes you get triggered in your relationship and your partner hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Their behavior simply reminds you—emotionally or subconsciously—of something painful from your past. Other times, your partner truly is behaving in a way that needs to change, and your reaction is appropriate.
But in most marriages, triggers are a blend of past trauma and present behavior. When someone has a trauma history, a current conflict often activates old wounds while also involving something their partner needs to adjust.
This is why finger-pointing is rarely helpful. One helpful phrase to remember is:
“If you’re hysterical, it’s historical.”
If your reaction feels bigger than the situation warrants, it’s often a sign that something old is being stirred up. That doesn’t mean your feelings are wrong—it means they deserve curiosity rather than blame.
Marriage Advice Tip #3: How to Stay Allies Instead of Adversaries
When trauma is involved, couples often slide into an adversarial dynamic. One partner gets triggered and feels unsafe or threatened. They then blame their spouse entirely. The spouse feels accused and becomes defensive. The triggered partner feels invalidated, and suddenly you’re fighting instead of solving the problem.
Why does this happen? Because trauma often comes from times in life when you felt powerless, voiceless, or defenseless. When those same emotions show up in marriage, your nervous system goes into protection mode. You may come out strong, aggressive, or overly assertive—not because you want to hurt your partner, but because you’re trying to protect yourself.
The key question becomes: How do I bring up my trigger without turning my partner into the enemy? If you’re the partner with trauma, when you notice yourself getting activated, pause and reflect before speaking. Try language like this:
“I’m starting to feel triggered. I’m not sure if this is something you’re doing or something from my past. Can we explore this together as a team and see what adjustments could help us as a couple?”
This approach does three powerful things:
1.It names the trigger without blame
2.It acknowledges uncertainty
3.It invites teamwork rather than defense
What often happens instead is accusation: “You did this because you always…” That framing assumes negative intent and immediately puts your partner on the defense.
If you're on the receiving end of a trigger and you notice your partner is becoming highly emotional, accusatory, or reactive, do not try to reason with them in that moment. When someone is triggered, they are often in fight, flight, or freeze. Logic won’t land. Instead, name the moment and pause the interaction. You might say, “We’re flooded. Let’s take a break and come back to this later.” Take 20 minutes—or up to 24 hours—to allow both nervous systems to settle. Then revisit the conversation with curiosity and calm.
Trying to “fix it” in the heat of the moment usually escalates conflict rather than resolving it.
Marriage Advice Tip #4: Three Real-Life Examples of Trauma Cycles
Let’s look at how this plays out in real marriages.
Example 1: Abandonment and Introversion
Partner A has a wound of abandonment. Partner B is introverted and needs a lot of alone time. When Partner B takes space, Partner A feels abandoned and becomes upset. Partner B then feels blamed and withdraws further, reinforcing the abandonment wound.
The solution isn’t blaming one another. It’s recognizing the cycle. One partner has an abandonment trigger. The other may need too much space. When both partners see how they contribute to the dynamic, they can make intentional adjustments together.
Example 2: Feeling Voiceless and Control
One partner grew up feeling voiceless. The other partner has controlling tendencies. The voiceless partner becomes hypersensitive and accuses their spouse of being controlling. The controlling partner feels unfairly blamed and becomes defensive.
Again, both are contributing. One partner needs to recognize their sensitivity. The other needs to soften control. Awareness transforms conflict into collaboration.
Example 3: Sexual Trauma and Desire Discrepancy
In my own marriage, my wife has a history of sexual trauma, and I’m the higher-desire partner. That created a vicious cycle of avoidance and pursuit. She blamed me for pursuing. I blamed her trauma for avoiding.
The truth was in the middle. Her trauma made intimacy difficult. My growth area was learning to approach intimacy with greater sensitivity and care.
When my wife began saying, “I’m feeling triggered. I’m not sure if this is my past or something you’re doing. Can we explore this together?” everything changed. I didn’t feel blamed. I felt invited. That language pulled me closer instead of pushing me away.
Final Thoughts: Healing Trauma Together
Trauma in marriage doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means it needs awareness, compassion, and teamwork. Sometimes it’s your past. Sometimes it’s your partner. Most often, it’s a blend of both.
When couples learn to approach triggers collaboratively rather than defensively, resentment loses its power and connection begins to grow again.
If you’re stuck in resentment and need help working through it, my ER Marriage Intensive is my most comprehensive resource for helping couples resolve their resentments and rekindle their love. If this article helped you, consider sharing it with someone who might need hope today.
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What other marriage advice would you recommend when someone has a trauma past?