If your marriage feels broken, you may be wondering, “Can this relationship be fixed?” The good news is that a struggling marriage does not necessarily mean your relationship is beyond repair. Many couples go through seasons of conflict, emotional distance, resentment, and disconnection—and with the right approach, they can begin rebuilding their relationship.
If you’re searching for how to fix a broken marriage, one of the most important things to understand is that you cannot control your spouse’s behavior. You can, however, control how you respond to it.
In my work as a couples therapist, I’ve found that one of the most destructive patterns couples fall into is responding to negative behavior by giving the same behavior back.
Here are four steps to begin breaking that cycle.
1. Stop Mirroring Your Partner
One of the first things you need to do when learning how to fix a broken marriage is stop mirroring your partner’s negative behavior.
Mirroring means responding to your spouse based on how they are treating you.
If they are affectionate, you are affectionate. If they are distant, you become distant. If they stop talking, you stop talking. If they are cold, you become cold.
It seems natural. After all, why should you be warm and loving toward someone who isn't being warm and loving toward you?
The problem is that this creates a downward spiral.
If your spouse withdraws and you respond by withdrawing, now both of you are disconnected. If your spouse becomes cold and you become cold, the emotional distance grows. Instead of solving the problem, you are reinforcing it.
I experienced this pattern in my own marriage. When my wife would distance herself, I would respond by distancing myself. If she became less affectionate, I became less affectionate. I was essentially treating her the way she was treating me.
And guess what happened?
Things got worse.
The important principle is this: No matter how your partner treats you, you still have a choice about how you respond.
It is easy to say, “I’m cold because you’re cold,” or “I stopped talking because you stopped talking.” But that puts your behavior completely in your partner’s hands.
Instead, take responsibility for your response.
2. Tend to Your Partner Instead of Pulling Away
Once you stop mirroring your spouse, the next step is to tend to your partner.
Think of the difference between a thermometer and a thermostat.
A thermometer simply reflects the temperature around it. In the same way, many spouses simply reflect whatever emotional temperature their partner is creating.
A thermostat is different. It helps establish the temperature.
When your spouse seems distant, instead of becoming distant yourself, lean in.
You might say:
“Is everything okay? You seem distant. Is there something we need to talk about?”
If your spouse seems cold, ask what is going on.
If affection has decreased, gently bring it up rather than responding by withdrawing your own affection.
Your goal is to become more steady and consistent rather than allowing your partner's behavior to determine yours.
And remember, your partner’s distance may not even be about you.
They could be stressed about work, finances, friendships, parenting, or something else happening in their life. Some people also tend to turn inward when they are stressed. They process internally and pull away while trying to figure things out.
You won't know what is really happening if you simply respond to their distance with more distance.
Instead, create opportunities for honest communication.
One reason I encourage couples to use tools is because couples need safe ways to talk about difficult issues before they become resentment. Tools such as the Bullseye Question, Reunite Tool, and Love Buckets can give couples channels to communicate what they are experiencing rather than bottling everything up.
Sometimes fixing a broken marriage begins with something as simple as asking, “What’s really going on with you?”
3. Don't Burn Yourself Out Trying to Save the Marriage
Being the thermostat doesn't mean you should endlessly pursue a partner who refuses to engage.
This is an important part of understanding how to fix a broken marriage.
Your efforts to lean in, communicate, and show love should ideally create an opportunity for your spouse to soften and reconnect with you.
But what happens if they don't?
What if you continually reach out and your partner continues to shut you out?
What if you are consistently trying to improve the marriage while your spouse refuses to participate?
That's when you need to be careful about burnout.
You might begin thinking:
“I’m doing everything I can, but nothing is changing.”
Over time, this can create hopelessness and resentment. You may even begin feeling taken advantage of.
A healthy marriage requires effort from both partners. You can control your contribution, but you cannot single-handedly repair a relationship when the other person refuses to participate.
If you have reached this point, it may be time to seek professional support like our ER Marriage Intensive to help create a breakthrough.
The goal isn't simply to try harder. The goal is to create an environment where both spouses can address resentments, communicate honestly, and begin rebuilding emotional connection.
4. Consider Separation When Your Partner Refuses to Work on the Marriage
Separation should never be taken lightly. It isn't the first solution I recommend for a struggling marriage.
However, there can be situations where separation becomes appropriate.
If you have consistently tried to be loving and steady, reached out to your spouse, encouraged communication, and sought help—but your partner repeatedly refuses to work on the marriage and refuses support—you're facing a different problem.
At that point, the issue isn't simply conflict.
It may be neglect.
A marriage cannot improve if one person is doing all the work while the other refuses to participate.
In some situations, a separation can serve as a wake-up call. It communicates that you are no longer willing to accept ongoing neglect and that something needs to change.
This isn't about punishing your spouse or manipulating them into changing. It is about establishing boundaries and recognizing what you will and will not tolerate.
You cannot force your spouse to care.
You cannot force them to communicate.
You cannot force them to seek help.
But you can decide what you are willing to tolerate.
Hopefully, establishing that boundary motivates both partners to take the marriage seriously and become willing to seek support.
Can a Broken Marriage Be Fixed?
If you're wondering how to fix a broken marriage, start by looking at the cycle between you and your spouse.
Are you mirroring their behavior?
Are you responding to distance with more distance?
Are you both waiting for the other person to make the first move?
Instead of continuing the cycle, try something different.
Stop mirroring.
Tend to your partner.
Be the thermostat instead of the thermometer.
And recognize when you're reaching the point of burnout.
Ultimately, a marriage can only be rebuilt when both partners are willing to participate. You can take responsibility for your side of the relationship, create opportunities for connection, and invite your spouse into the process—but you cannot do their part for them.
If your marriage feels broken today, don't assume that means it's over. Sometimes the first step toward repairing your relationship is simply changing the pattern that has kept both of you stuck.
Start with your response.
Start with connection.
And start creating a different cycle in your marriage.
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What other ideas do you have to help couples stop fighting?