If you don't have a very high pain tolerance, don't get married because marriage often creates emotional pain and distress. Usually, the more distress you experience, the more you'll feel like you're falling out of love. Falling out of love can happen for a variety of reasons and is unique to each couple. However, there's also common themes that cause most couples to fall out of love. To better understand this process, this post will cover the top contributing factors that usually make couples lose their love for one another. But first, let's define our terms.
What does falling out of love mean?
Falling out of love means you no longer feel in love with your partner. This usually occurs after a couple has failed to nurture their relationship over time. Even though a couple has fallen out of love, they can still fall back in love because love is fluid.
Falling Out Of Love: Top Five Reasons
1-Not Sharing Power. Sharing power means you're not always going to get what you want. You're going to have to learn to compromise and meet in the middle if you want a good marriage and that causes distress. Most of us want things our way. Growing up, I was used to doing things my way. My mom had a long rope and was permissive so I did things my way. I have the same tendency in marriage, I want things my way. But guess what, I can't have a good marriage if I want things my way because that makes my wife voiceless and that's not sharing power. So, for me to be a good partner, I have to compromise and develop win wins. Making compromises can be painful because you have to let go of some of what you want but is needed for an equal partnership.
2-Receiving Critiques. A second cause making you feel like you're falling out of love is distress from critiques. Most of us don't like to get critiqued and some of us think marriage shouldn't even include critiques. Well it does. Part of having a good marriage is giving and receiving constructive feedback. That's iron sharpening iron. Are you open to your partner's constructive feedback or do you get defensive? Do you think your partner should just accept you for how you are? That's not realistic. To be a good partner, you have to be willing to make mild to moderate changes to accommodate your partner. Getting constructive feedback can be painful because it's difficult to hear about our blind spots but it's vital to a healthy marriage.
3-Not Thinking About Your Partner's Love Bucket. The third way marriage can cause distress is because you have to think about your partner's fillers and drainers. You can't be self absorbed by never thinking about your partner's needs and expect to have a good marriage. You have to learn to become one eye in one eye out where you track what you need while also tracking what your partner needs. What are their fillers they need to feel loved and satisfied from you? Conversely, what are the top drainers you do that they don't like? You have to learn to increase their fillers while also decreasing the drainers. It's a stretching process toward selflessness, which can be very painful. Most people are selfish by nature and only think about their needs. However, to have a healthy marriage you must learn to focus on your partner's needs too and this is why I created the Keep the Glow app for couples.
4-Not Managing Conflict Well. A fourth cause making you feel like you're falling out of love is distress from conflict. Conflict is part and parcel to marriage because it entails two imperfect people living in close quarters day in and day out. Conflict is painful. It's horrible to get flooded, say harsh things, and feel exhausted and hopeless afterwards. Conflict not handled well can quickly deteriorate a marriage. Therefore, to have a good relationship you must learn proper conflict resolution skills by using the reunite tool.
5-Not Enduring Your Needs Being Unmet. The fifth way marriage can cause distress is it usually includes periods where your needs aren't met. Perhaps you're going through a winter season in your marriage so your partner is unwilling to meet your needs. Perhaps your partner has unresolved childhood trauma so they're unable to meet your needs. My wife went through sexual trauma growing up so avoided all sexual contact during the early phase of our marriage, which was extremely difficult for me as the high libido partner. Perhaps your partner is going through a stressful time or illness in their life so they are unable to meet your needs. Marriage usually involves going through periods where your needs won't be met and that can cause significant distress.
In summary, the top five ways marriage can cause distress and make you feel like you're falling out of love is from not sharing power, receiving critiques, not filling your partner's love bucket, not managing conflicts well, and not enduring seasons where your needs aren't met. Falling out of love is often the result of emotional strain from these five areas. If you're faint of heart, you should have never gotten married because marriage requires resiliency. You need to have a fighting spirit and tenacity to not give up because marriage is going to wear you down at times. Don't quit. Instead, start fighting harder for your marriage. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Maybe you're tempted to give up right now in your marriage. Don't! As long as you have a willing partner who's taking ownership for their part and open to seeking help, do not give up. Remember that pain is a part of the process of marriage and it will only make you stronger. When you go through pain, you grow. Think about lifting weights. When you lift weights your muscles are broken down and eventually get stronger. Likewise, in marriage. Every time you experience distress in marriage, you're getting broken down, which is shaping you into a stronger person and partner.
Check out the articles below for more information.
How to reverse a loveless marriage
How long does it take to fall in love
Take my FREE Relationship Audit Quiz here to see how healthy your relationship is.
What else can influence feeling like you're falling out of love?
Barbara, thank you for being so vulnerable in your post. Developing a satisfying sex life is a team sport so most likely there are things both you and your partner could be doing better to make it more enjoyable for both of you. Click through my blog for the articles on sexual intimacy to see if some of the ideas can be helpful.
I am 81 and my partner is 87 years old. He said that I am the worst sex partner he has ever had. We have not had sex in several years. This is my second relationship and sex has always been a problem for me. My partner has had several relationships and is more experienced than I am. Now we are more like roommates and I don’t feel very close to him. I feel very inadequate and am trying to become a better partner, but feel that I am failing.
Absolutely Katy, great addition! Lack of open communication certainly creates a wall that blocks all levels of intimacy.
Something else that contributes to the feeling of falling out of love is the building of that emotional wall. Not communicating the fears or concerns of life. Or just not communicating period. Also that wall blocks intimacy, from just being close on up.
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