Does intimacy in your marriage feel like a distant memory? If you’re in a sexless marriage, you may be wondering how things got this way—or if it’s even possible to reconnect. The good news is that you’re not alone, and more importantly, this pattern can be reversed.
A sexless marriage rarely happens overnight. It develops gradually as life, stress, resentment, and emotional disconnection pile up. Understanding why intimacy dries up—and what to do about it—is the first step toward hitting reset.
What Causes a Sexless Marriage?
There isn’t just one cause of a sexless marriage. In most cases, it’s a combination of several factors working together.
One of the most common reasons is busyness. As couples focus on careers, children, chores, and responsibilities, intimacy slowly moves to the bottom of the priority list. What once felt natural now requires intention—and without that intention, intimacy fades.
Another major factor is fatigue. Life is demanding, especially for couples raising children. By the end of the day, emotional and physical exhaustion can make intimacy feel like one more task instead of a source of connection.
Hormonal changes can also play a role. As we age, desire naturally shifts, which can create confusion or frustration if couples don’t talk openly about it.
Perhaps the most damaging cause of a sexless marriage is unresolved resentment. Resentments act like a wall between partners. When emotional injuries go unaddressed, it becomes incredibly difficult to feel open, safe, or interested in intimacy.
A lack of emotional intimacy and affection is another key contributor—especially for lower-desire partners. Without emotional connection, physical intimacy often feels unsafe or forced.
Finally, some couples experience boredom or dissatisfaction in the bedroom. When intimacy feels repetitive, one-sided, or disconnected, avoidance becomes a coping mechanism.
Why Emotional & Physical Intimacy Deprivation Can Be Traumatic
Dry spells—both emotional and physical—can be deeply painful for both partners.
For the lower-desire partner, emotional intimacy is often the primary need. When connection, affection, and quality time are missing, their “love bucket” runs empty. Over time, repeatedly unmet emotional needs can feel traumatic, creating loneliness and a sense of being unseen.
For the higher-desire partner, physical intimacy is often the primary way they feel close. When sex disappears, they may feel rejected, unwanted, or dismissed. That chronic deprivation can also feel traumatic, leading to deep insecurity and loneliness.
In a sexless marriage, both partners are hurting—even if they express that pain very differently.
How a Sexless Marriage Increases Risk
When emotional or physical needs go unmet for long periods, risk increases. This doesn’t mean infidelity is inevitable—but vulnerability grows.
A lower-desire partner who is starved for emotional intimacy may begin seeking connection elsewhere. It might start innocently: a coworker who listens, an old friend on social media, someone who offers attention and warmth. The need comes first; the boundaries erode later.
Similarly, a higher-desire partner who feels chronically rejected may become vulnerable to physical temptation. A friendly neighbor, someone at the gym, or a casual interaction can become charged when loneliness and deprivation are present.
It’s important to say clearly: acting out is always a choice. But the lower the love buckets, the stronger the temptation. A sexless marriage creates conditions where boundaries are tested more easily.
How to Fix a Sexless Marriage and Restore Intimacy
The solution to a sexless marriage is not simply “have more sex.” Real change requires addressing the foundation of the relationship.
1. Address Resentments First
Resentment kills intimacy. If unresolved issues are present, neither emotional nor physical closeness will feel safe. Healing must begin with honest conversations and, often, guided support to resolve conflicts and past hurts.
2. Rebuild Friendship and Emotional Intimacy
Many couples stop being friends and start functioning like business partners or roommates. To reverse a sexless marriage, you must intentionally nurture your friendship.
This includes spending quality time together, engaging in meaningful conversations, and offering affection with no strings attached. Friendship creates emotional safety, and emotional safety fuels desire.
3. Fight the Drift of Life
When raising children or managing busy schedules, marriage often gets pushed aside. This is when intimacy is most at risk. You must fight for your relationship with the same intensity you give to work, fitness, or responsibilities.
Ask yourselves daily: How will we prioritize us today? Intimacy doesn’t survive passively—it survives intentionally.
4. Reintroduce Romantic Touch Without Pressure
Romantic touch is essential, especially for couples in a sexless marriage. This might include massage, cuddling, or showering together—with absolutely no expectation of sex.
“No strings attached” is critical. When touch carries pressure, lower-desire partners avoid it. When touch is safe and relaxed, responsive desire has space to grow.
Hitting Reset on a Sexless Marriage
A sexless marriage doesn’t mean your relationship is broken beyond repair. It means something deeper needs attention. By addressing resentments, rebuilding emotional intimacy, prioritizing connection, and restoring pressure-free affection, couples can begin to reconnect—emotionally and physically.
If you’re feeling stuck, hopeless, or unable to talk about these issues without escalating conflict, getting support through my ER Marriage Intensive can make all the difference. Healing intimacy is possible, and your marriage is worth fighting for.
Receive my FREE Training on How To Rebuild Your Marriage In 90 Days. Click here to get it!
What other tips would you recommend to help couples hit reset on the bedroom?