What if I told you, it’s possible to build amazing emotional intimacy in your relationship in only six hours a week? Would you do it? You have six hours, even if you think you don’t. Think about how much time you spent on your phone, on Netflix, social media, the internet, just in the last week alone. You have the time, you’re just spending it elsewhere.
What is emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is feeling close and connected with your partner. It's feeling well known and understood by your spouse and knowing them well too.
Disclaimer: These strategies I'm going to share will only be effective if you’ve already worked through the resentments in your marriage because nothing goes well when you have active resentments. Go through my ER Marriage Intensive if you need help working through your resentments with professional support.
Step One: Have a weekly date
This date should be around three hours because you don’t want to feel rushed. If you have kids, try to do it during the work day while they're in school, if possible, so you don’t need a babysitter. Regardless of when, try to think about how you can make it happen. Don’t make excuses as to why you can’t do it or say you’re too busy. If you want your marriage to do well, you have to prioritize dating. Dating is what made you fall in love, what brought out the electricity, and dating can help you fall back in love.
There are four things every date needs to make it successful for both partners. The first thing is to nurture emotional intimacy by getting to know one another again. Second, have a lot of affection, which is non sexual touching. Third thing is you want to do something recreational that you both find fun. Maybe go bowling, hiking, throw the frisbee, or go for a bike ride. Find four to six recreational activities that you both enjoy, and then alternate those for your dates. The fourth thing is something sensual, which might be a sensual massage, cuddling or a sensual bath. It’s not sexual, it’s sensual. It might turn sexual or it might not, but at least you’re having some romantic time.
Step Two: Have a weekly huddle
Think about football teams having huddles. Every offensive play there’s a huddle so everyone is on the same page of what play they’re going to run. Do you have a huddle with your partner? Do you have a once a week time together to get on the same page to foster teamwork? We also do this at work. There are regular meetings to create teamwork and to increase efficiency. Carve out an hour once a week to prioritize teamwork with your partner.
In the huddle, you will want to do four things. The first thing is to coordinate schedules for the upcoming week so you’re on the same page. Second, talk about any concerns you have about your life together. These are not concerns or frustrations about your partner, rather concerns about your life, such as what to do about your daughter who's on her phone too much. You may land differently on how to handle your concerns and when that happens, share power so you both have an equal voice by developing compromises. The third thing to do is ask your partner, “Do you have any resentments toward me?” If they say, “yes”, address it using my conflict resolution tool the Reunite Tool to clear the air. The fourth thing to do in the huddle is review your love buckets. The Love Buckets are the key to reversing loveless marriages. They include a list of fillers you need to feel loved, and drainers your partner does that make you feel negative toward them. The fillers fill up your love bucket, the drainers drain it down. The goal is to put more fillers into your partner’s bucket, and take less drainers out. If you do that long enough, eventually, your partner’s love bucket will get full and they will fall back in love with you.
Step Three: Head/heart check-bullseye-nuddle time four days a week
I recommend doing three connecting rituals four days a week for 30 minutes, totaling two hours. The first connecting ritual is called the Head/Heart Check. This is where you and your partner take turns sharing your highs and your lows from the day. To prepare, you want to think about what you were feeling from the day; mad, sad, glad, or fear, and why. Then, you’re going to ask each other, “What’s been on your head and heart today?," and then you’re going to share. When you share, share like a paper. Start with your emotional word first, such as, “Today I was anxious”, as the title of the paper, then share all the details of what made you feel that way, as the words of the paper. This type of sharing makes it easier for the listener to track your feelings and stay focused. As the listening partner, do not fix or give any advice unless your partner asks you for it. Instead, all you can provide is empathy. “That sounds ____, No wonder you feel ____,It makes sense ____ would make you feel ____, I can see how _____would make you feel _____." It’s important to realize that empathy is not about if you would feel the same way, rather, it’s about viewing the situation from your partner's vantage point based on their wiring, their history, and their scars. Once you do that, it will start to make sense to you why they feel certain things. Avoid saying "I understand...." because your partner may have a negative reaction. Also avoid sharing a similar story because that makes it about you instead of keeping the focus on your partner. In addition, avoid questions that prompt solutions, such as "What are you going to do about it?" Also, avoid questions that center around your interests, such as "So does this mean you're not making dinner tonight?" However, you can ask questions that expand upon your partner's experience, such as "What was most hurtful for you about that?" To keep the Head/Heart check safe, you're not allowed to share anything about your partner. Instead, talk about everything else in your life. The following day be sure to follow up with your partner on what they shared in the Head/Heart Check the previous day. For example, "Any updates on the fight with your brother you mentioned last night?" Following up will help your partner feel like you care and that you are tracking their life. This should only take about 10-15 minutes to keep it simple.
The next connecting ritual is called the Bullseye Question for better communication in marriage. For the Bullseye Question you’re going to take turns asking each other, “What’s one thing I did right today, and what’s one thing I could have done better?” When you get the feedback, you’re only allowed to say, “Thank you for the feedback.” You can’t justify, defend, or deflect. However, if you're confused you can ask a clarifying question but then respond with "Thank you for the feedback." This creates safety for your partner to give constructive feedback and this becomes the only time constructive feedback is allowed to be given, which prevents blindsides. Once you receive the constructive feedback, think about which bucket you want to put it in silently in your head. Fluke bucket means what they said you could have done better was a total fluke so you let it go. However, If you get the same feedback more than once then you know it's not a fluke. The second bucket is the all me bucket, which means what they said you could have done better was all your fault without any excuses. The third and most common bucket to put the feedback into is the partially me bucket, which means the constructive feedback you received was partially from your circumstances, partially from your partner projecting onto you from their sensitivities, which isn't your fault, and partially your fault. The key is to mull over the constructive feedback over the next day to discern the kernel of truth, if any, and then you decide what adjustment you want to make. This keeps your defense walls down and your internal motivation high to make an adjustment. When giving feedback on what your partner did right, comment on what it says about their traits. For example, "I really appreciated how you unloaded the dishwasher this morning and that says you were being thoughtful because it was my turn but you did it for me because I was busy." When sharing what your partner could have done better, leave out the word "you" and leave out the negative story you may be telling yourself about why your partner did that particular thing. For example, say "this morning when we saw each other after the gym the greeting felt cold and it hurt my feelings" instead of saying "this morning after the gym you were really cold and it was you being insensitive." The Bullseye Question only takes around 5 minutes.
Next comes Nuddle time. Nuddle stands for "naked cuddling." However, you can wear your pjs, or underwear, based on your comfort level. Nuddle time is not allowed to turn sexual so there's no pressure or expectations for more. Instead, it's time to reconnect physically to create safety. When you've had resentments in your relationship, it's easy to wall off because you don't feel safe. Therefore, Nuddling creates a path back to reconnecting physically again. Also, even though sex isn't allowed during Nuddle time, the more couples cuddle the more they tend to have sex throughout the week because they feel closer and more connected. Don't talk during Nuddle time so that you stay in the here and now. Half way through discuss one thing you're enjoying, such as the warmth of your partner's stomach on your back or the smell of their hair. Once you're finished, make one comment on what it was like for you overall. If you have any remaining issues in your marriage, they'll surface during Nuddle time because it's so vulnerable and intimate. For example, at the end you may say "Doing this made me realize I still desire more affection in our relationship" or "doing this made me realize I have another resentment I haven't addressed yet, when would be a good time for us to use the Reunite Tool?" This will only take around 10 minutes.
Summary About Emotional Intimacy
Those are three ways to build emotional intimacy in your marriage in only six hours a week. Number one, a once a week date. Number two, a once a week huddle. Number three, four days a week of connecting rituals.
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What else would you recommend to encourage emotional intimacy?