Do you struggle to handle conflicts well in your relationship? Do you wish you and your partner knew how to navigate disagreements in a more effective way? If so, you’re not alone. Most couples find conflict to be one of the most difficult parts of marriage, and the way you handle it often determines whether your relationship grows stronger or slowly falls apart.
Why Conflict Management Matters
Research consistently shows that the way couples handle conflict predicts whether they will stay together or eventually separate. John Gottman, one of the most influential researchers in marriage studies, famously identified what he calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When couples repeatedly use these destructive patterns, their risk of divorce skyrockets.
Think about it—when do you feel the worst about your partner? It’s usually in the aftermath of a fight. That’s when toxic thoughts creep in: “Why am I even in this relationship?” “Will I ever be happy?” “Should I stay or go?” Left unchecked, these moments of doubt chip away at trust and connection.
Unfortunately, most of us aren’t taught conflict resolution skills. Many of us grew up watching our parents argue poorly or we learned unhealthy habits with peers and siblings. As adults, we often carry those same patterns into our marriages. The good news is that conflict skills can be learned. And the first step is recognizing the mistakes that sabotage your relationship.
Four Mistakes To Avoid In Conflict Resolution
Mistake #1: Using Harsh Words
When emotions run high, words often come out that we don’t truly mean—but once spoken, they can’t be erased. Calling your partner names, cursing, or saying things like “I wish I never married you” may feel like a release in the moment, but those words leave scars. Even with apologies, the sting often lingers.
Harsh words destroy emotional safety. Your partner begins to wonder, “Can I trust them when they’re upset?” Over time, this erodes closeness and creates distance. A healthy rule of thumb: never say something in anger that you wouldn’t want permanently branded in your partner’s memory.
Mistake #2: Using Harsh Behaviors
Conflict isn’t just about words—it’s also about actions. When upset, do you slam doors, throw things, or engage in passive-aggressive behaviors like hiding your partner’s belongings? These behaviors may seem small in the moment, but they create fear and insecurity.
I often encourage couples to create a “personal code of ethics” for conflict. This is a list of agreed-upon rules for how you will behave during disagreements. For example:
No yelling
No name-calling
No slamming doors
No walking away without saying "flooded" first
When you break one of these rules, you apologize. Over time, the goal is to reduce how often you cross the line until your conflicts become healthier and safer.
Remember: how you behave when angry can either build trust or break it. If your anger feels explosive or unsafe, your partner will withdraw, leaving the relationship vulnerable.
Mistake #3: Addressing Conflict Too Soon—or Too Late
Timing matters. Some couples push to resolve things too quickly. They keep pressing forward even when both partners are emotionally flooded—hearts racing, voices raised, tempers flaring. In this state, your brain is in “fight or flight,” which means problem-solving is impossible.
The solution? Call "flooded." Take at least 20 minutes, and up to 24 hours, to calm down before revisiting the issue.
But there’s another danger—waiting too long. When breaks stretch beyond a day, they often turn into stonewalling, avoidance, or even punishment. One partner withdraws, refusing to engage, while resentment builds. This avoidance creates just as much harm as escalating too soon.
The sweet spot: agree as a couple to pause for a set time (20 minutes to 24 hours) and then come back together. This balance allows emotions to settle without turning into neglect or passive-aggression.
Mistake #4: Never Resolving the Conflict
Many couples fall into the trap of sweeping conflicts under the rug. Maybe they fight, take space, and then pretend nothing happened. On the surface, this keeps the peace, but underneath, unresolved resentments pile up. Over time, these unresolved issues form a mountain of bitterness that suffocates intimacy.
Resolution doesn’t mean pretending the fight never happened. It means intentionally coming back together and working through it. That requires a tool or structure—otherwise, the same argument tends to flare back up.
One effective method I teach couples is the Reunite Tool, a step-by-step process for discussing what each person felt, taking ownership of your contributions, and making commitments to do better next time. The goal isn’t to “win” but to walk away feeling heard, understood, and hopeful.
When conflicts are truly resolved, both partners leave with peace and a plan for growth. Instead of tearing you apart, conflict becomes a stepping stone for deeper intimacy.
When Conflict Feels Stuck
Sometimes, conflict isn’t just about everyday frustrations—it’s about deeper wounds. I recently heard from a listener whose husband had struggled with alcohol addiction. Though he’s now sober, his unresolved trauma and resentment keep surfacing, leaving her feeling unwanted and shut out.
This situation highlights an important truth: unresolved personal issues often block healthy conflict resolution. If one partner refuses to address their pain or refuses to work on the marriage, the relationship stalls. In these cases, outside help from a therapist or coach becomes essential.
If your partner resists all efforts to work on the marriage, a temporary separation may serve as a wake-up call. While difficult, separation can sometimes be the leverage needed to motivate real change.
Final Thoughts
Conflict is unavoidable in every relationship, but the way you handle it determines whether it strengthens or weakens your bond. To recap, avoid these four mistakes:
1.Using harsh words
2.Using harsh behaviors
3.Addressing conflict too soon—or too late
4.Failing to resolve the conflict at all
When you commit to healthier patterns, conflicts can become opportunities for growth instead of landmines. With the right tools and intentional effort, you and your partner can turn disagreements into deeper connection and long-term trust.
If you feel stuck in a cycle of resentment and unresolved issues, don’t lose hope. Help is available, whether through structured tools like the Reunite Tool or more intensive programs designed to rebuild trust and rekindle love like my ER Marriage Intensive. Every couple has the potential to grow stronger through conflict—if they’re willing to learn how.
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What other conflict resolution mistakes do you think couples should avoid?