Many marriages experience a lack of sexual intimacy, which generates negative emotions for both partners involved. In my practice, I frequently encounter couples seeking help due to being in a sexless marriage. This article will explore the sexless marriage effect on a husband and wife.
Sexless Marriage Effect On Husband & Wife
Step 1: Identifying the causes
First, it is essential to examine the causes of a sexless marriage. Several factors can contribute to this situation. One common cause is busyness. As couples become busier, they find it increasingly difficult to prioritize sex. Another significant cause is unresolved resentments. According to my wedding cake model for married sex, the first step is resolving resentments because it is difficult to engage in sexual activity with someone you resent. Many couples struggle with relationship problems, frequent arguments, and unresolved issues, which hinder sexual intimacy. Additionally, differences in libido can also lead to a sexless marriage. When one partner has a high libido and the other has a low libido, finding a compromise and maintaining consistency becomes challenging. The high libido partner may stop initiating sexual encounters after repeated rejections, ultimately resulting in a sexless marriage. Another common cause is the presence of unhealed past traumas in one or both partners. Unresolved trauma often leads people to avoid sexual contact, thus contributing to a sexless marriage.
Step 2: Understanding the impact
The impact of a sexless marriage negatively effects the marriage as a whole. Lack of sexual intimacy damages and strains the relationship since it is a crucial aspect of a healthy marriage. The quality of a marriage improves with increased sexual activity, while a lack thereof can make couples feel like roommates, siblings, or business partners. The passion gradually fades away, and the marriage becomes cold. The effect on husbands (assuming they are the high libido partner) can be devastating because sexual contact serves as a primary means of feeling loved, connected, and valued. Thus, the absence of sex leads to feelings of hurt, loneliness, and disconnection. Unfortunately, many husbands express these emotions with anger and agitation, concealing the underlying vulnerability. This creates a vicious cycle as the wife receives this anger and withdraws from intimacy even further. The effect on wives (assuming they are the low libido partner) is also significant. They receive less affection, quality time, and emotional intimacy since their husband feels distant and disconnected sexually. Consequently, the wife's needs also go unfulfilled, perpetuating a negative cycle.
Step 3: Finding the solution for husbands
If you're high libido and find yourself in a sexless marriage, it is crucial to prioritize the relationship. The first step is to address and heal any resentments. Initiate a conversation with your partner and ask them to express all the resentments they may have towards you. Utilize my conflict resolution method called the Reunite Tool as a guide to navigate through these conversations. It is also possible that you hold resentments towards your partner, so use the tool to work through those as well. If you find it challenging to use the tool independently and tensions escalate, consider working with one of my relationship coaches to assist you effectively. Furthermore, focus on nurturing the friendship with your partner by initiating quality time, going on dates, and engaging in nonsexual touch. Your low libido partner needs these elements in place before they can be open to sexual contact.
Step 4: Finding the solution for wives
If you're low libido and find yourself in a sexless marriage, it is essential to reconsider the value of sex within your relationship. Since you may not think about it frequently or consider it a personal need, going for months or even years without sexual intimacy might not seem like a significant issue. However, it is crucial to acknowledge that your partner will be pulling away from you emotionally from feeling unloved sexually. Therefore, it is important to remind yourself that sex is a positive and wholesome aspect of your relationship. It represents love and connection and plays a vital role in the health of your marriage, bringing you closer emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Also, avoid setting the bar too high before being willing to engage in sexual activity. Create a culture within your relationship where your high libido partner does not have to meet unrealistic expectations for you to take steps toward them sexually. If you notice your partner putting in effort to connect with you emotionally, reciprocate by being more open to sexual connection with them. Remember, the more receptive you are to sexual contact, the more it will energize your marriage and create a positive cycle because your partner will become more motivated to provide affection, emotional closeness, and quality time. Also, take proactive steps by initiating romantic time, such as cuddling or sensual massage. Your sexuality is responsive so you won't feel any arousal until after foreplay begins. In addition, your brain is your biggest sexual organ. Therefore, if you want to initiate intimacy later in the day, intentionally be thinking sexy thoughts throughout the day, such as passionate memories with your partner from the past or ideas about sexual activity you would enjoy with them later in the day. This will warm up your mind and body so you're ready for intimacy later. Lasty, if you don't have a positive association with sex, spend some time reading books or listening to podcasts on healthy sex. If you have past sexual trauma, work with a trauma therapist. Your body won't be able to embrace what your mind rejects.
For further reading see below.
Keys To Better Sex For Your Wife
Steps Required Before Having Great Sex
Keys To More Sensual Massage & Romance
16 Ways To Avoid A Sexless Marriage
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Leave a comment below on what you think the sexless marriage effect is on a husband and wife.
6 comments
Wow Maria, so sorry to hear of your husband’s infidelity. Sounds like you’re doing an amazing job as a partner. The fact that he still isn’t interested is concerning. He may still be involved with his lover. Be sure to seek counseling or coaching if you haven’t already.
Thanks so much for the positive feedback. Super to hear how much you’re enjoying my ER class plus coaching sessions so far!
You are totally on point with how important sex is in a marriage. As a wife, I am the one with high libido in an almost sexless marriage for a long time. Ironically, my husband just came out of an 18-month affair where I saw him at his best – hotel escapades, morning & night sex with the mistress, Eros love as he describes it and that bitch is a masseuse with multiple partners which somehow made her more compelling to my husband….i fought for my marriage, got my husband back but he still has no interest in me. I feel lousy about myself although physically I maintain myself and try to change and be a better wife.
Wow! This was so spot on! Really helped me better understand how my spouse feels as being the low libido spouse. We are currently taking your ER Marriage Zoom seminars as well. Only on session 3 and they are helping both of us tremendously! The private coaching sessions w Tricia have really helped with handling the daily “grind” Thank you Dr Fisher! You are amazing!!
Thank you Tiffany, glad you found the article helpful!