Are you wondering how to get your wife in the romantic mood? What can you do to increase her desire for intimacy? How can you show up differently in your relationship so that she feels more connected and open to romance? In this post, we’ll cover eight powerful steps to help reignite intimacy and emotional closeness in your marriage.
As a couples therapist who has worked with thousands of couples since 2004, I’ve seen time and time again that rekindling passion isn’t about tricks or pressure—it’s about emotional connection, mutual respect, and intentional effort from both partners. Whether you’re the higher-drive or lower-drive partner, these principles apply equally to anyone who wants to build stronger intimacy in their relationship.
Step 1: Clear the Resentments
Resentment is one of the biggest barriers to intimacy. Your wife will not want to be physically close if she’s emotionally holding onto past hurts. Resentment creates invisible walls that block connection and kill desire.
Start by asking, “Honey, do you have any resentments toward me?” If she says yes, don’t get defensive. That’s the first step toward healing. Set aside time to truly listen to her concerns and take responsibility for your part. Work through those issues until they’re resolved with proper conflict resolution like the Reunite Tool. Once the emotional clutter is cleared, genuine affection and attraction can begin to rebuild naturally.
Step 2: Increase Quality Time
Your wife wants to feel like your partner, not your roommate. Spending quality time together reminds her that you still value her and enjoy her company. When you were dating, quality time came easily—now you need to be intentional about creating it.
Ask her, “How well am I providing quality time for us? How would you like that to improve?” Let her share what activities, routines, or dates would help her feel more connected. Whether it’s cooking dinner together, going for walks, or simply talking without distractions, quality time lays the emotional foundation for romance to thrive.
Step 3: Nurture Emotional Intimacy
Most women need to feel emotionally close before they feel sexually open. Emotional intimacy is about vulnerability, empathy, and genuine connection. A great tool for this is what I call the Head-Heart Check: take turns sharing the highs and lows of your day while the other listens without giving advice—just empathy and understanding.
This simple daily ritual helps you both feel seen, valued, and emotionally bonded. When your wife feels safe and emotionally understood, she becomes more open to physical closeness.
Step 4: Provide Affection and Cuddling Without Expectation
Many men only touch their wives when they want intimacy, which can make the touch feel transactional rather than loving. To rebuild desire, practice nonsexual touch—simple gestures like touching her back, holding her hand, or brushing her hair.
Ask her directly, “Do you feel like I show enough affection? What kind of touch feels best to you?” Regular, affectionate touch without any hidden agenda helps her body relax and associate your touch with comfort and safety.
Also, initiate cuddling just for closeness. No hints or expectations that it will go further. When your wife feels emotionally and physically safe, she’s far more likely to want deeper connection later.
Step 5: Buy Into the Value of Intimacy
For the lower-libido partner—whether husband or wife—desire doesn’t always just appear. It often starts as a conscious decision. Intimacy isn’t just about physical pleasure; it’s about emotional bonding and feeling united as a couple.
If you struggle to see the value, do some research on why intimacy is crucial in long-term relationships. It builds trust, strengthens emotional connection, and even improves health and happiness. Understanding its deeper purpose can help you choose intimacy as an act of love, even when the mood doesn’t strike naturally.
Step 6: Use the “Crock-Pot Method”
If you're low libido, getting in the mood is like cooking in a crock-pot—it takes time. You don’t flip a switch at night and expect desire to appear. Start in the morning by intentionally priming your mind. Think loving thoughts about your spouse, recall romantic memories, or plan something sweet for later.
You can also prepare by wearing something that makes you feel confident or reading about intimacy and connection. The key is to “slow cook” your thoughts throughout the day so your mind and body are already attuned to intimacy by the evening.
Step 7: Try Sensual Massage or a Body Inventory
Touch is a powerful way to build connection and awaken desire. A sensual massage or body inventory can help both partners rediscover what feels pleasurable.
In a body inventory, one partner gently explores different kinds of touch—from light strokes to firm pressure—while the other gives feedback. It’s not about rushing to intimacy; it’s about curiosity and connection.
You can also take turns giving sensual massages with dim lights, soft music, and oils. Keep the focus on relaxation and affection rather than performance. For the lower-drive partner, this can help awaken responsiveness, as arousal often builds after gentle touch begins.
Step 8: Explore Direct Erotic Stimuli
Sometimes low desire simply needs a little spark. Erotic stimuli—like romantic stories, role-playing, or guided sensual exercises—can help jump-start arousal. If you want to reverse a sexless marriage, this piece may help!
Listening to a romantic story together or creating a playful, imaginative scenario can shift your mindset from routine to excitement. Novelty releases dopamine, the brain’s pleasure chemical, which reignites passion and curiosity toward your partner.
The goal isn’t to “force” arousal but to invite it through creativity and emotional openness.
Bringing It All Together
Here’s a quick recap of the eight steps to help your wife (or partner) get in the romantic mood:
1.Clear resentments – Heal emotional wounds first.
2.Increase quality time – Spend meaningful, undistracted time together.
3.Nurture emotional intimacy – Connect through empathy and understanding.
4.Provide affection and cuddling without strings – Build comfort and trust.
5.Buy into the value of intimacy – See it as vital for relational connection.
6.Use the crock-pot method – Warm up your mind and heart throughout the day.
7.Practice sensual massage or a body inventory – Reconnect through touch.
8.Explore erotic stimuli – Add playfulness and novelty to reignite passion.
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What else would you recommend to get her in the mood?