Are you in a sexless marriage and feeling hopeless? You've tried everything you can think of—romantic gestures, open conversations, planned date nights—but nothing seems to unlock the door to physical intimacy. You're left wondering, What am I doing wrong? Why is nothing working?
If that’s where you are, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too. My wife and I endured a sexless marriage for several years, and it felt like an emotional wasteland. As a high-libido partner, I was panicking. Physical intimacy had always been my way of feeling close, connected, and valued. When that part of our relationship disappeared, I didn’t just miss sex—I missed us.
In this post, I’ll share the root cause of most sexless marriages and how my wife and I rekindled the flame and how you can too!
Why Intimacy Matters—Especially for Men
For many men, sexual intimacy is the primary way they feel loved and cherished. It’s not just about the physical act—it’s about bonding. So when intimacy fades, many men feel rejected, alone, or even unlovable.
That’s why men in sexless marriages often panic. And in their desperation, they may resort to ultimatums:
“If we don’t have sex by next month, I want a divorce.”
“If things don’t change, I’m done.”
While these ultimatums come from a place of pain and fear, they usually backfire. Instead of inviting closeness, they create more distance. A partner who feels pressured or coerced into sex is far less likely to respond positively.
False Expectations About Fixing a Sexless Marriage
Another common mistake men make is thinking that if they could just get sex back into the relationship, everything else would fall into place. “Let’s just get back in bed,” they think. “That’ll reconnect us.”
But here’s the truth: Sex is not the starting point—it’s the result.
In my own marriage, I assumed sex would fix our emotional disconnection. What I didn’t realize was that my wife needed emotional safety before she could be open to physical intimacy. I had it completely backward—and it led to even more frustration and hurt on both sides.
The Real Root Cause Of A Sexless Marriage: Resentment
The #1 cause of a sexless marriage is not lack of attraction, lack of effort, or mismatched libidos. It’s resentment.
When your partner is holding onto unspoken frustrations or unhealed wounds, intimacy becomes nearly impossible. They may not even realize how much those feelings are blocking desire—but they are.
So if you want to restore physical connection, you must start by resolving resentments. You need to have honest, vulnerable conversations about what's gone wrong and what needs to change—not just in the bedroom, but across your relationship.
How My Wife and I Reversed Our Sexless Marriage
At our lowest point, I did everything wrong. I made demands. I pressured her. I thought the solution was just “more sex.” But none of that worked.
What finally did work was addressing the deeper needs in our marriage. We began resolving our resentments, rebuilding our friendship, and re-establishing emotional intimacy. Only after those steps were in place did sex naturally return to our relationship.
Here’s the three-step framework we followed:
1-Clear the resentments – Create space to talk about what’s hurt, what’s lacking, and what you both need. Use structured tools like my Reunite Tool for effective conflict resolution.
2-Rebuild the friendship – Spend quality time together. Laugh again. Talk deeply. Court each other like you did in the beginning. Practice my recommended 6 hours a week for emotional intimacy discussed here.
3-Integrate sensual, non-sexual touch – This could include cuddling, massage, or gentle physical affection. The goal is to slowly rebuild safety and connection.
The Firewood Analogy: A Better Way to Think About Desire
Think of intimacy like building a fire.
If you’re the high-libido partner, your job is to build the fire. But you can’t just stack logs and expect flames. You need kindling. You need to blow gently. You need patience.
Too many couples expect flames without the groundwork.
If you’ve stopped flirting, stopped complimenting each other, or stopped having quality conversations, don’t expect a blazing fire in the bedroom. Start again with the small sparks of emotional connection—and nurture them daily.
Now, if you’re the low-libido partner, your role is to avoid being “wet wood.” In other words, don’t shut down every attempt your partner makes. Be open to small acts of closeness. You don’t need to fake desire, but you do need to work toward becoming more emotionally and physically available over time.
Here are some practical ways to do that:
1-Read about the value of sex in a long-term relationship
2-Think romantic or sensual thoughts throughout the day to mentally prepare
3-Initiate non-sexual touch, like a massage or cuddling
4-Set a mood in your environment that feels welcoming and relaxing
Rebuilding Creates a Spirit of Generosity
The beautiful thing about reversing a sexless marriage is that it creates momentum. When one partner sees effort from the other, it inspires them to reciprocate.
If you’re the high-libido partner and your attempts are met with openness and appreciation, you’re motivated to keep building the fire. If you’re the low-libido partner and you start to feel more emotionally connected and less pressured, your desire may begin to awaken naturally.
The key is for both partners to do their part, patiently and consistently. That’s when the flames start to return.
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What else do you think could help fix a sexless marriage?