Emotional intimacy is one of the most vital components of a strong, lasting relationship. It creates the glue that bonds two people beyond surface-level connection. When emotional intimacy is present, couples feel seen, safe, supported, and understood. And when it’s absent? Relationships can feel lonely—even if you’re together every day. In today’s post, we’ll explore what emotional intimacy is, why it matters, how to nurture it, and the top mistakes to avoid.
1. What Is Emotional Intimacy?
There are many definitions floating around, but here’s how I define emotional intimacy: it’s knowing your partner’s inner world—and they know yours. It’s staying updated on each other’s emotional highs and lows on a regular basis. It’s not just sharing what you did during the day, but what you felt.
Every person has two layers: the outside layer—your actions and behaviors—and the inside layer—your thoughts and feelings. Most couples stay at the surface. They talk about what they did: the meetings, the errands, the chores. But they rarely explore the inner world: the worries, the stress, the hopes, the insecurities. Emotional intimacy is the bridge to that inner world.
A simple example: when your partner asks, “How was your day?” and you answer, “Fine,” you’re only scratching the surface. But when you say, “I felt overwhelmed during that meeting, and I’m still feeling anxious,” you’re inviting your partner into your emotional space. That’s where real connection happens.
2. Why Is Emotional Intimacy Important?
Emotional intimacy matters more than most people realize. Here are three powerful reasons why:
A. It’s Often a Top Need
For many people, emotional intimacy is one of their top relational needs. If your partner's primary love language is quality time, words of affirmation, or even physical touch, emotional intimacy is often at the root of that craving. They may not just want attention—they want to feel close. They want to know that you understand them.
B. It’s the Gateway to Physical Intimacy
In many relationships, especially for one partner, emotional connection comes before physical connection. They need to feel emotionally safe and understood in order to open up physically. When emotional intimacy is missing, so is affection, closeness, and sex.
C. It Improves Mental and Physical Health
When we share our inner world with someone who listens with empathy, it lifts a burden. We feel less alone, more supported, and more hopeful. Studies even show that emotional connection lowers stress and improves immunity. It’s the same reason journaling or talking with close friends feels healing—because “better out than in” is more than a saying; it’s a truth wired into your brain and body.
3. How Do You Nurture Emotional Intimacy?
Building emotional intimacy doesn’t happen by chance. It’s something you create—through intentional habits and new skills. There are two major parts to nurturing it:
A. Become a Better Listener
Once a day, ask your partner questions like:
“What’s been on your head and heart today?”
“What were your highs and lows?”
Then, when they answer, practice empathy. Empathy is the tool that builds emotional safety and connection.
Some powerful empathy phrases include:
“That sucks.”
“No wonder you feel ___.”
“That sounds ___.”
“It makes sense that X would make you feel Y.”
At first, empathy might feel awkward or unnatural. That’s okay. Learning to empathize is like developing a muscle—it takes practice. I call this Level One Empathy—you’re learning to show up emotionally, even if it doesn’t come naturally.
Eventually, aim for Level Two Empathy. That’s when you not only listen to your partner’s words, but you put yourself in their shoes. You remember their history, their wounds, their personality—and suddenly their feelings make more sense.
For example, if your partner is anxious about a disagreement with a friend, your instinct might be, “Why are they overreacting?” But then you remember—they felt isolated growing up. Friendships are deeply meaningful for them. Now, you can see why they’re anxious. That’s real empathy.
B. Learn to Share Your Inner World
Listening is only half the equation. To build emotional intimacy, you also have to open up.
Many people aren’t comfortable with self-disclosure. Maybe you grew up keeping emotions private. Maybe you think sharing makes you seem weak. But emotional intimacy requires vulnerability.
To start, use the four core emotions: mad, sad, glad, and fear. Ask yourself daily:
“What made me feel mad today?”
“What brought sadness?”
“What brought joy?”
“Did I feel afraid?”
Once you identify what you’ve been feeling, share it. Vulnerability invites your partner closer.
This is something I’ve personally had to work on. My wife’s top need is emotional intimacy. At first, I thought we were “close” because I told her everything I did. But she said, “I care more about what you feel.” That was eye-opening for me—and it changed how I showed up in our conversations.
4. Mistakes to Avoid
Even with the best intentions, it’s easy to accidentally kill emotional intimacy. Here are some common traps to avoid:
A. Don’t Try to Fix
If your partner opens up and you jump into problem-solving mode—“Here’s what you should do”—they’ll likely shut down. Most people don’t want a solution first. They want to feel heard. Empathy first, solutions second (and only if they ask for advice).
B. Don’t Say “I Understand”
This phrase can backfire. You may mean well, but your partner might reply, “No, you don’t.” Instead, validate what they feel using empathy phrases like, “That makes sense,” or “I can see how that would be hard.”
C. Don’t Hijack the Conversation
If your partner shares a tough moment, don't jump in with, "That reminds me of when I...." While it may seem like a way to connect, it shifts the focus to you. Keep the spotlight on your partner.
D. Don’t Ask Problem-Solving Questions
Questions like, “What are you going to do about it?” or “What’s your next step?” can sound like pressure, not support. Avoid them unless your partner explicitly wants to brainstorm.
E. Don’t Make It About You
If your partner is sharing how stressed they are, don’t ask, “So, does that mean we’re not going out tonight?” That sends the message that their emotions are inconvenient. Instead, stay present and keep the focus on their feelings.
In Summary
Emotional intimacy is the heartbeat of a thriving relationship. It’s not built on fancy vacations or grand gestures—it’s built in the small, daily moments of vulnerability, empathy, and connection.
To strengthen emotional intimacy:
Learn to ask meaningful questions.
Practice Level 1 and Level 2 empathy.
Open up about your own emotions regularly.
Avoid common mistakes that can shut down connection.
When both partners feel seen and safe to share their inner world, love deepens. Trust grows. And a strong relationship becomes even stronger.
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What are some other reasons emotional intimacy is essential?