How To Fall Back in Love - Top 4 Ways
Step #1: Work Through Your Resentments
The first thing to do if you're wondering how to fall back in love is work through your resentments. You can't skip over resentments and expect to have a good relationship. View resentments as clogs in your pipe. If you're trying to fill up your partner's love bucket there won't be enough water pressure because there's a clog in your pipe. The clog is called resentment. Resentment can be about things your partner has done or things they haven't done but you always wanted them to. Resentment can be from last week or from 20 years ago. I had a couple call me recently for help with resentment on an issue that happened almost 45 years ago. The issue was still crippling their relationship because it was never properly dealt with. So, resentments have to be the first focus to improve your relationship. What are all the areas of resentment you have toward your partner? Write them down. Next, use my reunite tool for conflict resolution in marriage to work through each one. The reunite tool provides a constructive method for working through past resentments and future complaints. If you're unable to use the reunite tool without escalating, contact a local marriage counselor to have them help you use it. Think of marriage as a plant. Before you can grow a plant you have to first dig out the rocks in the soil. Resentments are rocks in your marital soil. If you plant seeds in poor soil the plant won't grow. You have to first remove the rocks and then plant the seeds.
Step #2: Start Building Your Friendship
After the resentments have been thoroughly worked through, it's time to start building your friendship. It's hard to become friends with someone you resent, which is why resolving resentments always comes first. To build back your friendship, you must increase your quality time together. Check out my article here on marriage and dating. I recommend striving toward two mini dates per week for up to two hours each time. If that sounds like a lot of time check your phone to see what your average daily screen time is. You probably spend that amount of time or more surfing the internet every day. Instead, give that time to your marriage! During your mini dates do something fun together, such as a board game, a hike, a bike ride, an online class together on cooking, dancing, learning a foreign language, taking a virtual tour of a city, etc. Next, be sure to provide a lot of affection to one another during your mini dates. Also, ask your partner what type of affection they enjoy most instead of assuming you know. Next, cultivate emotional intimacy during your mini dates by using the head/heart check where you ask your partner "what's been on your head and heart?" The head is everything you did during the day and the heart is everything you felt during the day and why. So were you feeling mad, sad, glad or fear and why? If you're unsure about your feelings, spend a few moments reflecting on them before your head/heart check so you have something to share. Emotional intimacy is cultivated not only by hearing about your partner's inner world but also from sharing your own. During the head/heart check don't give any advice unless your partner asks and instead respond with empathy, such as "that sounds horrible" or "wow, no wonder you feel that way." Also, don't bring up any negative comments about your partner during the head/heart check. Only bring up negative topics about your partner using the reunite tool mentioned previously. Building your friendship won't happen by accident. You have to be intentional about it with your four mini-dates.
Step #3: Add In Sensual Activity
The third thing to do if you're wondering how to fall back in love is add sensual activity to your mini dates. It's hard to have sensual activity with someone you're not friends with first. Sensual activity can be a variety of things, such as cuddling together, taking a shower or bath together, or a sensual massage. Sensual activity is a vital ingredient to feel bonded with your partner and is often missing in marriages. There are a few tips to make your sensual activity successful. For a bath, shower, or sensual massage, take turns being the receiver and giver of a gentle wash or massage non-sexually. Some of us get so focused on giving we forget to receive and others of us get so focused on receiving we forget to give. Also, maximize your five senses during the activity by optimizing what you're seeing (level of light), what you're hearing (type of music), what you're tasting (such as dark chocolate), what you're touching (such as light tickles, gentle massage, or kisses) and what you're smelling (aroma from a candle). Maximizing your five senses during sensual activity heightens pleasure for both partners and creates a soothing oasis together.
Step #4: Add in Sexual Contact
Sex is usually the first thing to enter a relationship when things are going well and the first thing to leave a relationship when things aren't going well. Therefore, adding sexual contact comes last because it often doesn't feel appropriate, especially to low libido partners, until after you've resolved your resentments, built your friendship, and are having regular sensual activity together. So, after sensual activity when both of you are aroused or open to getting aroused you can move into sexual contact. However, remember to approach sexual contact as a buffet where you have several things to choose from. Some nights you may only make out and enjoy one another above the waist. Other nights you may only do everything below the waist manually or orally. Still other nights you may do everything plus intercourse. The goal is to bring back voice and choice to the lower libido partner so it doesn't feel like intercourse or nothing. When that's the case, many lower libido partners will choose nothing. This way, the low libido partner is providing full consent and presence and the high libido partner is receiving more frequent sexual contact.
In summary, there are four steps to take if you're wondering how to fall back in love. Number one, you have to work through your resentments using the reunite tool. Number two is you have to build back your friendship by setting up two mini dates per week. Number three is adding sensual activity to your mini dates. And number four is adding sexual contact to sensual activity with voice and choice being central.
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