Today you're going to learn the top eight expectations in a relationship you need to quit having. When we have unrealistic expectations, we get demoralized, we get frustrated, we give up. Not surprisingly, the same principle applies in the workforce. Research shows that when there is an unrealistic job description there's higher turnover because the job is not what the employee was expecting. Therefore, having realistic job descriptions is very important because it lowers turnover. The same can be said in marriage. The more unrealistic your expectations, the more likely you might divorce. Therefore, developing realistic expectations can significantly improve your marriage mindset.
What are expectations in a relationship?
Expectations in a relationship are preconceived ideas on how a relationship should function, including how one should be treated, and what behaviors for couples are normal and not normal.
8 Expectations In A Relationship To Quit Now!
1-Relationships shouldn't take work.
The first one is marriage shouldn't take work. Are you guilty of this? This is Disney. This is Hollywood inundating our thoughts, where we think marriage shouldn't take work. They're supposed to be effortless. Hear me clearly. Falling in love is effortless. Staying in love takes effort. So it's unrealistic to think you're just going stay in love without putting any work into your relationship. You have been inundated and brainwashed with Disney and Hollywood because that's what we see. We watch movies and shows and love is effortless. But remember, it's effortless because they're just falling in love. You don't have to try when you're first falling in love. It just happens. But that's a different stage of the relationship. Staying in love takes effort and that's the stage of the relationship we often don't see in movies and shows.
2-We should be able to figure this out on our own.
The second one is we should be able to figure this out on our own. Are you guilty of this? You're going through hard times in your relationship and you're thinking, we shouldn't have to see somebody, we should be able to figure this out because we're two intelligent people. That's very unrealistic. You have not been trained on how to be a good partner. That's unrealistic because you haven't been educated on how to resolve conflicts, how to communicate effectively, and how to nurture emotional intimacy. For some people, the thought of seeing a professional hurts their pride and they may feel shame that they can't fix it on their own. Remember, you go to a mechanic for your car, the dentist for your teeth, and the plumber for your toilet, see a professional for your marriage! I can relate with this because when my wife and I were going through a difficult season many years ago I was resistant to seeing a counselor because I was in graduate school becoming one! Therefore, I thought I could be our own counselor. Big mistake because I wasn't objective and my needs were involved. Me refusing to see someone just made our problems worse until finally I relented. That began our multi-year journey seeing various therapists and eventually it healed our marriage!
3-You should meet my needs even though I'm not meeting yours.
The third one is you should meet my needs even though I'm not meeting yours. That's an unrealistic expectation in a relationship a lot of people have. We often get so hyper-focused on getting our needs met that we forget about our partner's needs. It doesn't work like that. Your partner is not going to want to meet your needs unless you are meeting their needs too. That creates a spirit of generosity where I'm meeting your needs and you're meeting my needs, back and forth. But a lot of people become self-absorbed and all they think about is getting their needs met. Instead, you need to be meeting your partner's needs if you want them to have the energy and motivation to meet yours.
4-If you fall out of love it's over.
The fourth one is if you fall out of love it's over. Have you thought that before? It's a false expectation. People often think love is a magical thing. Therefore, if you fall out of love, it's game's over. That's incorrect because feeling in love often comes and goes over the seasons of marriage. You may love your partner, but the in love feelings fluctuate throughout the duration of your marriage depending on how close you feel. It's natural. So if you start feeling out of love, it doesn't mean game over. It just means you're going through fall and winter and you both need to put in effort to get your marriage back on track. A marriage is only over once both partners refuse to keep working at it. However, as long as both partners are still willing to put in the effort, the marriage can improve. I am living proof of it. My wife and I started off madly in love, then we went through a significant rough stretch for several years, which made us both fall out of love. But we worked through our resentments, rebuilt our friendship, and eventually fell back in love. Therefore, I know firsthand that it's possible to fall back in love after the feelings have waned.
5-I need you to accept all of me.
Number five is I need you to accept all of me. That's unrealistic if parts of you hurt me or make me feel neglected. Now, obviously you want to feel unconditionally loved, but that doesn't mean your partner is going to unconditionally love all your behavior. Think about children when they misbehave. You're supposed to say, "I love you, I just don't love that behavior." Same applies to your partner. You may love them, but that doesn't mean you're going to love all their behavior. So if you have behaviors hurt your partner or makes them feel neglected, you need to change those behaviors, not expect them to accept those parts of you.
6-If you loved me, you'd be attracted to me regardless of how I look.
Wanting your partner to be attracted to you just because they love you is unrealistic because attraction is automatic and involuntary. You may love your partner no matter how they look, but it doesn't mean you're going to be attracted to them no matter how they look. There is a balance to this where you also need to have some grace toward your partner's appearance to allow for the normal aging process. However, if you're married to someone who values attraction, prioritize your appearance by taking good care of yourself for your benefit and theirs.
7-We shouldn't have to discuss past resentments, just get over it.
Do you have this unrealistic expectation that your partner should just "get over" any past resentments? If your partner has resentments toward you, it's unrealistic to expect them to just get over them because that's not how resentments work. Now, it also doesn't mean you need to rehash the same resentment over and over. Usually, the rehashing is a sign the resentment was never properly handled in the first place. Therefore, properly processing through resentments with the Reunite Tool is vital in order to finally move past them. If a river represents love and you want the water to flow stronger you must walk upstream and remove the debris. The debris are resentments.
8-Our marriage doesn't need regular emotional and sexual intimacy to survive.
Do you think your marriage should survive without regular emotional and sexual intimacy? Think again! Emotional and sexual intimacy are usually the top two needs in a marriage. One partner usually needs emotional intimacy and the other partner usually needs sexual intimacy. They are two sides of the same coin. Therefore, If either of those top needs are ignored your relationship may not make it because it will impair healthy functioning. Emotional and sexual intimacy breathe oxygen into your connection and your relationship will suffocate without them.
Summary
So those are eight unrealistic expectations to avoid in marriage. Number one, marriage shouldn't take work. Number two, we shouldn't have to see somebody. Number three, you should meet my needs, even when I'm not meeting yours. Number four, if we fall out of love, it's over. Number five, you should accept all of me, even the parts of me that hurt you. Number six, if you loved me, you should be attracted to me. Number seven, we shouldn't have to discuss resentments, just get over it. And number eight, our relationship should survive without regular emotional and sexual intimacy.
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What other unrealistic expectations can you think of?