Have you ever felt emotionally unsafe in your marriage? I have.
For years, my wife and I fell into a painful pattern. She wouldn’t bring up things that were bothering her, and I—thinking everything was fine—would be blindsided by her eventual unhappiness. That disconnect created a sense of emotional unsafety for me. It was as if the rug could be pulled out at any moment, and I didn’t see it coming.
As a couples therapist since 2004, I’ve worked with over 1,000 couples, and I can tell you—emotional safety is one of the most critical ingredients in a thriving relationship. Without it, couples drift into silence, resentment, and loneliness.
So, how do you build emotional safety? Here are three powerful examples:
1. The Lock Box
Emotional safety allows you to open your inner lock box. Inside are your most vulnerable thoughts, feelings, and fears. If you feel unsafe, you’ll keep that box shut tight. But when your relationship feels secure, you’ll share more deeply—and that intimacy fuels connection.
2. The Seat Belt
Think of emotional safety like a seat belt. You wear it to feel protected so you can relax while riding. In the same way, when you feel safe in your relationship, you can be yourself. You can let your guard down, engage openly, and grow closer.
3. The Headphones
When we don’t feel safe, we tune each other out—like putting on noise-canceling headphones. We stop listening because vulnerability feels too risky. Over time, this erodes connection. But when safety is present, we stay tuned in, receptive, and responsive.
How My Wife and I Built Emotional Safety
My wife is naturally agreeable—she avoids conflict and doesn’t want to rock the boat. As a result, she would keep quiet about things that bothered her. But while everything looked okay on the surface, she was quietly building resentment. And I was left in the dark.
To change this, we started a weekly ritual called Love Buckets. Here’s how it works:
1-Each partner lists their top 3 fillers—things that make them feel loved.
2-Then, list your top 3 drainers—behaviors that leave you feeling disconnected or hurt.
3-Once a week, check in:
-Ask your partner for a score on how well you filled each filler and avoided each drainer that week.
-Ask what you did right.
-Ask how you can improve.
This tool transformed our marriage. No more blindsides. No more silent resentment. Just honest, regular communication and shared growth. And that created the emotional safety we were both craving.
Remember, you are the only thing you can control in your relationship. Focus on your growth areas. Ask yourself: What can I improve? How can I love better?
By investing in your own development, you increase the odds that your relationship will grow with you.
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What else do you think could build emotional safety in relationships?