Step one- Summarize your partner's complaint.
You want to make sure you understand their complaint correctly. So, as they talk about what bothered them or hurt their feelings, you have to feed it back to them. But here's the thing - don't add your own twist or mock their view. Just stick to their experience. You might say something like, "So, you feel I have a pattern of ____, it makes you feel ____, and it taps into your core need for ____, is that right?
This summary helps you check if you got the message correct. Because, let's be real, we all have our own inner dialogue when we hear a complaint. It's also good for your partner, letting them know you're really listening, and giving them a chance to tweak what they said.
Step two- The 50% rule.
The 50% rule is like the MVP of apology-making, it’s so important! Here's the deal: the entire complaint is not necessarily your fault. Your circumstances may have been to blame and your partner might be projecting onto you.
But here's the kicker – you can't just brush it off completely either. So, while you're soaking in their complaint, you have to ask yourself, "What’s my part in this?" That's why it's called the 50% rule. Sometimes you might think, "Yeah, I can take about 20% blame." Other times, it might be more like 90%. Most times, it's smack dab in the middle – around 50%. Now, here's the secret sauce: keep this part to yourself. It's an internal brainstorming session.
This is where you silently ponder, "What's the nugget of truth in this complaint? What part can I own with sincerity? How did I contribute? What could I have done better?" Sometimes, it hits you like a lightning bolt – instant realization. Other times, you might need to chew on it for a bit. Don't rush it. If you're stuck, consider roping in a relationship coach.
Step three – Make an ownership statement.
This is where you tell your partner, "I own I have a tendency to ......." Whether it's being a lousy listener, being too self-absorbed, being a bit of a control freak, or always trying to fix instead of just empathizing.
Here's the trick – don't explain why you do it because it will sound like defensiveness. For instance, if I say, "I own that I tend to get defensive because you're critical," that's a no-go. Blaming your partner for your behavior is a cop out. With that logic, you're never responsible for your behavior. You're responsible for your words and actions regardless of your partner's behaviors. Sure, your partner's actions might influence how you want to respond, but it's always a choice.
Step four – Empathize with how the behavior you're owning makes your partner feel.
This is where you really try to step into your partner's shoes. Think about their upbringing, their values, those little insecurities they might be carrying, their needs, hopes, and even the stressors they're juggling. It's like putting together a puzzle of who your partner is. Once you get that picture, suddenly, their feelings will make sense to you. If their feelings don't make sense, it's because you're seeing the situation from your perspective not theirs.
Now, here's the scoop on empathy – it's seeing the world through their unique lens, based on all those bits that make them who they are. As they share about their complaint, you start connecting the dots. "Oh, that bothers them because it hits a sore spot from way back," or "No wonder it hurt their feelings – that's one of their top needs." It becomes a mental math problem.
So, here's the empathy statement to make, "It makes sense that me doing ____ would make you feel ____."
Step 5- Apologize for how the behavior you're owning makes your partner feel.
This is similar to the previous step but with a slight shift in language. This is where you're apologizing for how the behavior you're owning makes your partner feel. Here's where you lay it out and say, "I am so sorry for how me doing ____ makes you feel ____."
Step 6 – Make amends for the behavior you're owning.
So, you've owned your behavior, empathized, and apologized. Now it's time to figure out what you're going to do about it. Let's be real, the best way to say sorry is through changed behavior, but change takes time.
Here's the deal though – if you're saying sorry and then go back to the same old behavior, it's going to upset your partner even further. So, it's key to roll up your sleeves and make a real effort to switch things up. Think about what tweaks you can make that'll also work for you, because if it doesn't work for you, it's not gonna stick. And don't go for the easy way out with basic solutions like, "Oh, I'll just get better," that's too vague. Get down to the nitty-gritty– what concrete steps can you take to level up?
If you're scratching your head, unsure where to start, no sweat. You can say, "I'm gonna dig into this and do some research." Look up articles, podcasts, books – whatever it takes. Don't forget to loop in your partner also– ask them, "What do you think? What else would you appreciate?" Give them a chance to share what they'd love to see. Then, of all the ideas generated you choose which ones you want to implement. You having the final say on what actions you'll take keeps you in control of the change process which will encourage follow-through compared to if you're being told what to do.
Finally, grab your phone, bring up the note section, and jot down what you're committing to. Then, a few times a week, pull it up and review it. I've done this in my own marriage – I call it my Partner Cheat Sheet. It's a list of behaviors you're trying to work on to become a better partner. Checking it a few times a week is often all that's needed to eventually start changing your behavior. As your behavior changes, your partner will start feeling hope.
In summary, here are the six steps on how to apologize to someone you hurt.
1. Summarize your partner's complaint.
2. The 50% rule.
3. Make an ownership statement.
4. Empathize with how the behavior you're owning makes your partner feel.
5. Apologize for how the behavior you're owning makes your partner feel.
6. Make amends for the behavior you're owning.
For further reading see below.
For arguments use the Mini Reunite Tool for Conflict Resolution
For deeper resentments use the Full Reunite Tool for Conflict Resolution
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Leave a comment below on what else you would add on how to apologize to someone you hurt.
]]>What is marriage compatibility?
Marriage compatibility refers to how well matched a couple feels they are when it comes to their values, likes, dislikes, and temperament. Not feeling compatible is a common reason for couples to end their relationship.
1-It’s normal to notice differences over time.
Even if you think you’re on the same page at the beginning, as time goes on, you’ll start noticing where you don’t see eye to eye. It’s normal in the early days to only see the things you share, like both loving mangos or enjoying afternoon naps. You get excited about these little things and think, “Wow, we’re meant to be!” But the longer you’re together, the more you’ll naturally start focusing on the differences. So, don’t stress too much about how compatible you are because over time, your mind tends to zero in on what you don’t have in common.
2-How you deal with areas of incompatibility is most important.
It’s not about how compatible you are; it’s about how you deal with areas of incompatibility. So, how do you handle it in your marriage? Most of the time, we get frustrated, we judge our partner, and we end up dismissing their preferences. We tend to fixate on how incompatible we are, and that’s where the trouble begins. Instead, we need to learn how to deal with those differences in a positive, pro-social, pro-marriage way. The key is not about the level of compatibility, but about how you navigate through the incompatibilities.
3- Learn to respect and embrace the differences you have with your partner.
Have you accepted that your partner is wired differently from you? They have their own unique experiences, different genes, and many reasons why they’re not a carbon copy of you. They see the world through a different lens, they operate in their own way, and that’s not going to change. It’s tempting to try and mold them into a mini-version of yourself. You might think, “Life would be so much smoother if they were just a bit more outgoing or organized like me.” and then you try to reshape them. However, that’s not going to work. They can’t change you and you can’t change them. So, instead learn how to navigate these differences respectfully and find ways to collaborate despite your differing perspectives.
4- Learn to compromise on areas where you are incompatible.
Now that you're not trying to change your partner, you need to learn how to compromise between your preferences and theirs. Marital problems usually kick in when one partner imposes their preferences on their partner. It could be about how to spice things up in the bedroom, how to handle emotions, how to organize the house, how to parent the kids, or how to manage money. The key is learning how to compromise on all important areas in your relationship where you have differences. A successful compromise means neither of you will get exactly what you want but some of what you both want will be included in the solution.
5- Remember your differences are actually a good thing!
Those differences that might sometimes give you a headache or drive you nuts are actually a good thing. You and your partner are stronger together than apart because you each bring a unique vantage point and skill set to the relationship.
In the beginning of my own marriage, like most love stories, I was blind to the differences. All I could see was how we were soulmates with high marriage compatibility. But as time rolled on, I started noticing all the ways we weren’t alike and it created tension. Most of it came from both of us not respecting our differences and trying to shape each other into our own molds. Of course, that didn’t work. So, when I got off the “change my spouse” train and just accepted how she was wired, things started looking up. Same goes for her – accepting my quirks made a world of difference. Things really hit the sweet spot when we began to acknowledge, “Hey, this is how you're wired, and this is how I'm wired, Let’s meet in the middle.” For example, I’m the extrovert, always yapping away. My wife, however, is the quiet introvert, needing her downtime. Talk about a contrast! But instead of turning it into a battleground, we learned to find a middle ground by having designed quality time each day for us to talk. That way I'm not constantly disrupting her solitude throughout the day and she's providing undivided attention and conversation for me during our quality time. That’s the secret sauce right there.
Here's another example– I’m a bit of a neat freak. I thrive on everything being organized, nothing on the floor, a place for everything, and everything in its place. My wife, on the other hand, is less conscientious and tends to leave piles around the house. Yep, you guessed it – a recipe for tension right there. But over the years we’ve figured out how to hit that middle ground. It’s not just my way with constant organization, and it’s not just her way with perpetual clutter. We’ve had to do a lot of give and take and strike compromises. She's learned to become neater and help with house chores more and I've learned to be OK with some clutter and disorganization.
A third example is parenting. I’m all about justice, setting limits, and letting natural consequences do the talking. On the flip side, my wife’s the softy, giving grace with no limits. That’s her natural bent, and I’m not changing her, and she’s not changing me. However, when it’s all her way or all my way, our parenting is compromised because children need both limits and love, not one or the other. We've had to work really hard at going behind closed doors, negotiating a compromise on a parenting decision, then presenting as a unified front to our kids. This approach creates a sense of teamwork as a couple and it's best for our children's development too.
So, there you have it – five reasons why marriage compatibility is not the be-all and end-all. One, it's normal to notice differences over time. Two, how you deal with areas of incompatibility is most important. Three, embracing and respecting differences is crucial. Four, mastering the art of compromise is the key. And five, you're stronger together than either of you are alone.
Further Reading:
5 Steps to Accepting Your Partner
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What are some areas of marriage incompatibility that could strengthen you as a couple if you learn how to compromise in those areas?
]]>What is communication in marriage?
Communication in marriage involves open and respectful dialogue between both partner's on their inner feelings, needs, and frustrations in order to develop a close and fruitful relationship.
1-Communicate About Your Inner Worlds
Firstly, consider how effectively you and your partner communicate about your inner worlds, which comprise your daily thoughts and feelings. These thoughts can encompass various aspects of your life, such as your children, finances, work, and friends. Often, many thoughts remain unshared with our partner, leading to feelings of disconnection and distance. To address this issue, I developed the "Head Heart Check" tool as a simple way for couples to connect and share their evolving inner worlds. As time passes, your highs and lows change, as do those of your partner. Hence, it's essential to stay updated on each other's inner worlds to enhance communication. Sharing your inner worlds regularly is key to nurturing deep friendship, closeness, and a soulful connection.
2-Communicate About Your Conflicts
Secondly, it's crucial to improve communication around conflicts. Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, as imperfections are part of our human nature. When our imperfections collide with our partner's, conflicts arise due to unmet needs and hurt feelings. Effectively communicating through these conflicts is vital for a healthy relationship. I created the Reunite Tool for conflict resolution to help couples sift through conflicts in an emotionally safe manner. Often, unresolved conflicts and lingering resentments remain unaddressed, further dividing partners. Unresolved conflicts act as barriers, eroding physical and emotional intimacy. Therefore, it is essential to learn how to communicate more efficiently during conflicts to build a stronger, healthier relationship. If you need help using the Reunite Tool, start working with one of my relationship coaches who are trained experts in it.
3-Communicate About Your Needs
The third area where improved communication is essential is regarding your needs within your marriage. What are your specific needs within your relationship? These needs could encompass various things, such as quality time, affection, sexual intimacy, words of affirmation, thoughtful gestures, or support for your interests. There are numerous ways to feel loved in a relationship, but there are also things that bother you—actions or behaviors by your partner that elicit negative emotions. How well do you and your partner communicate about these needs and dislikes, desires, and aversions? How frequently do you discuss these matters, and how effectively do you convey your feelings to your partner on these topics?
To address these challenges, I developed the "Love Bucket" tool, which is also my couples app, "Keep the Glow" (KtG). If you aim to enhance communication regarding your primary needs to feel loved and the aspects of your relationship that trouble you, KTG can be a valuable resource. I understand the significance of this need firsthand, as my wife and I faced similar difficulties during tough times in our relationship. At one point, I found myself thinking, "The things I need she's not doing and the things I dislike, she's doing!" The dilemma was how to broach this issue without triggering a fight or defensive responses. Similarly, my wife encountered challenges in addressing her needs with me. I developed KtG to create a safe channel for couples to openly communicate about their needs and dislikes within their relationship.
4-Communicate Through The Bullseye Question
Number four is a simple yet highly effective tool called the "Bullseye Question." You may have heard me discuss the bullseye question before, as it happens to be one of my favorite tools due to its simplicity and profound impact. Here's how the bullseye works: Once a day, you and your partner take turns asking one another "What's one thing I did right today and what's one thing I could have done better?" This straightforward inquiry comes with a ground rule – the only allowed response is "Thank you for the feedback." This ground rule is essential so you don't become defensive, offer justifications, or shift blame onto your partner. Engaging in such defensive behavior will discourage your partner from providing feedback in the future, leading to unaddressed issues accumulating and potentially causing larger conflicts down the line.
The Bullseye Question serves as a daily maintenance tool to enhance communication between you and your partner, ultimately contributing to a happier marriage. The first part of the question, "What's one thing I did right today," benefits both partners. It allows you to reinforce positive behaviors because knowing what you did right encourages you to continue those actions. Simultaneously, it prompts your partner to actively seek out the positive aspects in your actions, promoting a more optimistic perspective. Typically, many of us focus on our partner's shortcomings, but intentionally looking for their positive actions each day trains our brains to recognize and appreciate the bright spots. Also, when discussing what your partner did right, go beyond mere appreciation and delve into what those actions said about their character. For instance, instead of saying, "I appreciated how you unloaded the dishwasher last night," you could say, "I appreciated how you unloaded the dishwasher because it showed your thoughtfulness because you knew I was tired." This shift transforms your appreciation into a compliment, as you're now highlighting your partner's character traits. This deeper level of communication can have a significant impact on your partner's feelings and overall relationship satisfaction.
Now, when you ask "What's one thing I could have done better," remember to put their feedback into one of three buckets. The first bucket is the "fluke bucket," which means the feedback pertains to a specific circumstance that was a one-time occurrence and not reflective of your typical behavior. It's not your fault, and you can let it go because it's a one-off situation. The second bucket is the "all me bucket," which means the feedback points to a significant area of improvement that is entirely your responsibility to work on. Most of the time, however, you will find yourself putting the feedback into a third bucket "partly not me, partly me," which says part of the feedback wasn't your fault but part of it was.
Take some time over the next day or so to reflect on the feedback, searching for the kernel of truth you can improve on. This is leveraging your partner as your biggest asset for personal development. Once you've identified the kernel of truth, take action to address it. This approach empowers you to work on yourself without feeling cornered or defensive. Nobody is demanding that you own everything, and it sidesteps the common pitfalls associated with criticism and defensiveness. Therefore, by practicing this exercise once a day and responding with a simple "Thank you for the feedback," you can genuinely transform your communication. Also, the Bullseye Question is the only time either partner should be expressing complaints in the marriage to avoid blindsides.
In summary, these are the four ways to enhance your communication in marriage.
1. Communicate About Your Inner Worlds
2. Communicate About your Conflicts
3. Communicate About Your Needs
4. Communicate Through The Bullseye Question
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How could these 4 communication in marriage tips improve your relationship?
]]>What is conflict resolution in relationships?
Conflict resolution in relationships is a process for both partners to sift through their thoughts and feelings about the argument and communicate constructively about their experience and develop solutions moving forward.
Some of you may already be familiar with my Reunite Tool for conflict resolution, which is intended for resentments from recurring patterns or major events in your relationship. Today, I'd like to introduce what I call the Mini Reunite Tool. This approach focuses on step four of the complainer steps in the Reunite Tool, all five listener steps, and each partner takes turns going through it. The Mini Reunite Tool is designed to address minor conflicts or arguments between partners that may not necessarily involve deeper resentments.
Partner A Describes Their Experience.
After you both have calmed down, one partner will begin by describing their complaint. You will describe your experience of the conflict, what it made you feel, and what core need it tapped into. However, you can't say "you" because it's accusatory and you can't say "always" or "never" because they are generalizations. For example, "In the argument, my experience is when I got home last night after work I wasn't greeted, it made me feel unimportant, and it tapped into my core need to feel special."
Partner B Summarizes.
Now it's time for partner B to summarize their partner's experience. Providing a summary ensures your partner expressed themselves correctly and it ensures you heard them correctly. Summarizing does not mean you agree with your partner. It's simply summarizing their experience. Whether you agree or not is irrelevant. Therefore, maintaining a neutral expression while summarizing is important. Rolling eyes, audibly sighing, or making disapproving sounds while summarizing is disrespectful so don't do it. Also, it's important to remember that your turn to share your experience will come once these initial steps are completed. For example, "So your experience was when you got home last night I didn't greet you and that made you feel unimportant and it tapped into your core need to feel special. Is that right?"
Partner B Owns Their Part.
In this step, the listener takes responsibility for their contribution to the conflict. It's essential to pause and reflect at this stage. Consider how your actions might have influenced the situation. For example, Did you raise your voice? Did you say something hurtful? Were you insensitive? What did you do that made the conflict worse? That's the piece you can own. This isn't about accepting responsibility for the entire conflict, as projections, past triggers, external circumstances, and other factors can play a role, which is why I refer to it as the 50% rule. Instead, the focus should be on recognizing the specific ways you exacerbated the situation or contributed negatively. The genuineness of this ownership forms the foundation for the subsequent steps. Therefore, take your time on this step until you can own something with sincerity. Also, don't add why you did it because then you're being defensive. For example, "I own that I contributed to the argument by being preoccupied with my phone when you got home instead of greeting you."
Partner B Provides Empathy For Their Part.
As the listener, your role now is to express empathy for the piece you've taken ownership of and how it made your partner feel. This is where you'll need to step into your partner's shoes. You must consider their life journey, their past wounds, their upbringing, their aspirations, and the stressors they face. By genuinely comprehending these factors that shape your partner's identity, you'll be better equipped to empathize with their perspective, as you'll be viewing the experience through their unique lens, not your own. This is the foundation for genuine empathy. Even if you personally don't share their emotional response or wouldn't react similarly, you can still offer empathy because you're seeing the situation from their point of view. For example, "I can see how me being preoccupied with my phone when you came home would have made you feel unimportant."
Partner B Apologizes For Their Part.
Now the listener apologizes for how the piece they are owning made their partner feel. This is similar to the previous empathy step but with a slight change in language. Remember, you're not apologizing for the entire argument. You're only apologizing for the part you're owning and how it made your partner feel. For example, "I'm sorry for how me being preoccupied with my phone made you feel unimportant."
Partner B Makes Amends For Their Part.
While making amends, reflect on how you can make adjustments with the part you're owning that would also work for you. This step is about identifying actionable steps for yourself. Frequently, individuals make vague statements during this step, like "I'll try to be better" or "I'll work harder next time." However, such statements lack specificity. To truly make amends, ensure your action plan is concrete. For instance, if you're owning that you didn't give your partner adequate attention when they came home, a concrete amends could be "Moving forward, I'll put my phone down when I hear the garage open and provide undivided attention when you walk through the door with a hug and kiss. How would that be? What else would you appreciate?" By outlining specific actions, you instill a sense of hope in your partner that you're genuinely dedicated to improving.
Now, once you've compiled your action items, it's crucial not to let them slip your mind. To avoid forgetting, I recommend creating a "Partner Cheat Sheet" where you document these action items. Then, after each conflict resolution session using the Mini Reunite Tool, add to the list and review it several days a week. This practice will keep the commitments you've made at the forefront of your mind, serving as a reminder to implement the changes you're striving for in your relationship.Swap Roles And Do All The Steps Again.
Now, the partners will take turns. The person who was initially the listener will now share their experience of the conflict, what they felt, and their core needs that were affected. The other partner will then follow the same set of listener steps.
This technique is remarkably effective and has the potential to revolutionize the way you handle conflicts. Moreover, it facilitates listening, learning, and closure – putting an end to the practice of sweeping issues under the rug.
Complainer Step:
In the argument, my experience was ____, it made me feel____, and it tapped into my core need for ____. (can't say "you, always, or never")
Listener Steps:
1-Summarize
A-Summarize their experience “So your experience was____, it made you feel____, and it tapped into your core need for____, is that right?”
B- Apply the 50% rule by thinking about how you contributed to the argument and made it worse.
2-Ownership
“I own that I contributed to the argument by ____” (allow for a moment of silence so it feels more genuine)
3-Empathy
“I can see how me doing ____ would have made you feel ____” (allow for a moment of silence so it feels more genuine)
4-Apology
“I’m sorry for how me doing ____ made you feel ____” (allow for a moment of silence so it feels more genuine)
5-Make Amends
Think about changes you can make moving forward on the part you’re owning that would also work for you. “Moving forward, how about I ____, what do you think? What else would you appreciate?”
Swap Roles And Do The Steps Again!
Further Reading:
9 Steps To Conflict Resolution In Marriage for Resentments
Conflicts In Marriage: Weeds vs Needs
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How could the Mini Reunite Tool improve conflict resolution in your relationship?
]]>Number one: Understand the concept of compromising.
First, let us establish what constitutes a compromise. By definition, a compromise occurs when both partners forego obtaining their desired outcomes. If one partner achieves 100% of their desires, it cannot be considered a compromise. Thus, we can understand a compromise as a situation where neither partner attains complete fulfillment of their wishes, indicating that they have both shifted their original positions to some extent to meet halfway. This serves as a reliable indicator that a compromise has been reached.
Number two: Identify the challenges that hinder compromise.
The answer to this question is multifaceted, as there are numerous factors that can hinder the ability to compromise. For instance, individuals who grew up as only children never had to share or take turns growing up. As a result, they may struggle sharing power and compromising in marriage because they are used to having things their way.
Another example is kids who had considerable freedom and flexibility during childhood. They were allowed to come and go as they pleased and make their own decisions. As a result, they may struggle sharing power and compromising in marriage because they are used to doing things their way.
My wife was an only child and I was raised by a lenient parent so both of us have struggled sharing power and compromising in our marriage. To what extent has your upbringing influenced your ability to share power and collaborate with your partner?
Also, if you were raised in a strict household where following orders was the norm, you may find yourself yielding power too readily in your relationship, as your voice and individuality were suppressed during your formative years. This illustrates yet another way in which our upbringing can shape our tendencies and impact our ability to compromise.
Number three: Recognize the negative effects of a lack of compromise.
When one or both partners feel voiceless, it often leads to harsher conflicts and less sex. This correlation is understandable because the negative feelings stemming from a lack of influence in the relationship can create a hostile atmosphere toward one's partner. Naturally, as humans, we all desire to have a voice, autonomy, and the ability to exert influence on our surroundings, relationships, and partners. When this voice feels suppressed or ignored, we suffer. Our well-being is compromised, and we may experience a sense of stagnation and loss of self. Consequently, these unresolved feelings manifest in explosive conflicts and a decline in intimacy. None of us want to feel voiceless. Instead, we yearn for relationships where our thoughts and opinions matter, where we are genuinely heard, and where our influence on our partner is felt.
Both my wife and I have grappled with this issue in different aspects of our marriage. There have been instances where she exhibited strong-willed behavior and was unwilling to compromise and I remember how powerless I felt on the other side of her. Similarly, there have been times when I, too, resisted yielding and pursued my own desires regardless of her opinions and emotions. We are both guilty of lacking compromise, and it has been a significant area of personal growth for us. It is an easy trap to fall into. However, through intentional effort and a commitment to improvement, my wife and I have worked on this aspect of our relationship and have made notable progress. We now utilize the phrase, "I don't feel like we're sharing power," when either of us start feeling voiceless.
Number four: Determine when it is appropriate to compromise.
Compromise is necessary whenever a decision has the potential to impact your relationship. This encompasses a wide range of choices, spanning from parenting approaches, dinner selections, household temperature preferences, frequency of intimacy, financial matters, and countless other micro and macro decisions that arise within a long-term relationship. Virtually all of these decisions have some form of impact on both partners. Therefore, the answer to the question of when it is acceptable to compromise is quite simple: it is not just acceptable, but highly recommended to compromise on any decision that affects both you and your partner.
There may be certain areas in your relationship where you genuinely do not have a strong preference to a specific decision. In such cases, it is acceptable to defer to your partner's judgment, as long as you are not suppressing your true feelings or desires. Similarly, it is crucial that your partner reciprocates by deferring to your opinion in other areas. The ultimate goal is for both partners to feel a sense of equality and influence within the relationship. It is essential that you both go to bed each night, knowing that you have an equal voice, that you can impact your partner, and that your opinions hold value.
Number five: Embrace effective strategies for compromising.
I have developed a tool called "Bounce the Ball" to facilitate this process. Let's draw an analogy from sports. In sports, nobody likes a ball hog. A ball hog is someone who dribbles down the court without passing and takes every shot. This behavior is frowned upon because it doesn't demonstrate teamwork. That's why many coaches enforce rules that require the ball to be passed several times before a shot can be taken. Similarly, in your marriage, you become a ball hog if you solely announce your decision without considering your partner's input. It is important to ask your partner questions like "What do you think?" "What are your thoughts?" or "How do you feel about this?" to invite them into the discussion and foster a sense of teamwork. Remember, you are a couple, a unit, and a team.
Now, let's explore the "Bounce the Ball" approach. Partner A will express their opinion on a topic and share the values underlying their perspective. Then, they metaphorically bounce the ball to their partner by asking, "What do you think?" Next, Partner B follows the same process. They share their opinion, articulate their values underlying it, and bounce the ball back by asking their partner, "What do you think?" Now, Partner A needs to adjust their initial position by a few degrees toward Partner B and offer a compromise. Then, they bounce the ball back, saying, "What do you think?" Partner B mirrors this process by adjusting their initial stance by a few degrees, suggesting a compromise, and bouncing the ball back with the same question: "What do you think?" This marks the beginning of the negotiation process.
Because the ball keeps going back and forth, both partners have the opportunity to accept the compromise if they are comfortable with it or offer a counter-proposal that moves a little closer to their partner's position. If both partners possess a flexible mindset, a willingness to learn, and a commitment to being team players with equal voices, the "Bounce the Ball" method can be effective. Remember, compromise occurs when neither partner achieves exactly what they initially desired.
In summary, consider these five steps when wondering how to compromise in a relationship.
1. Understand the concept of compromising.
2. Identify the challenges that hinder compromise.
3. Recognize the negative effects of a lack of compromise.
4. Determine when it is appropriate to compromise.
5. Embrace effective strategies for compromising.
By following these steps, you can navigate the path of compromise in your relationship and foster a collaborative and harmonious partnership.
For further reading see below.
Receive my FREE PDF on 4 Steps To Better Communication. Click here to get it!
What else you would recommend on how to compromise in a relationship?
]]>Step 1: Identifying the causes
First, it is essential to examine the causes of a sexless marriage. Several factors can contribute to this situation. One common cause is busyness. As couples become busier, they find it increasingly difficult to prioritize sex. Another significant cause is unresolved resentments. According to my wedding cake model for married sex, the first step is resolving resentments because it is difficult to engage in sexual activity with someone you resent. Many couples struggle with relationship problems, frequent arguments, and unresolved issues, which hinder sexual intimacy. Additionally, differences in libido can also lead to a sexless marriage. When one partner has a high libido and the other has a low libido, finding a compromise and maintaining consistency becomes challenging. The high libido partner may stop initiating sexual encounters after repeated rejections, ultimately resulting in a sexless marriage. Another common cause is the presence of unhealed past traumas in one or both partners. Unresolved trauma often leads people to avoid sexual contact, thus contributing to a sexless marriage.
Step 2: Understanding the impact
The impact of a sexless marriage negatively effects the marriage as a whole. Lack of sexual intimacy damages and strains the relationship since it is a crucial aspect of a healthy marriage. The quality of a marriage improves with increased sexual activity, while a lack thereof can make couples feel like roommates, siblings, or business partners. The passion gradually fades away, and the marriage becomes cold. The effect on husbands (assuming they are the high libido partner) can be devastating because sexual contact serves as a primary means of feeling loved, connected, and valued. Thus, the absence of sex leads to feelings of hurt, loneliness, and disconnection. Unfortunately, many husbands express these emotions with anger and agitation, concealing the underlying vulnerability. This creates a vicious cycle as the wife receives this anger and withdraws from intimacy even further. The effect on wives (assuming they are the low libido partner) is also significant. They receive less affection, quality time, and emotional intimacy since their husband feels distant and disconnected sexually. Consequently, the wife's needs also go unfulfilled, perpetuating a negative cycle.
Step 3: Finding the solution for husbands
If you're high libido and find yourself in a sexless marriage, it is crucial to prioritize the relationship. The first step is to address and heal any resentments. Initiate a conversation with your partner and ask them to express all the resentments they may have towards you. Utilize my conflict resolution method called the Reunite Tool as a guide to navigate through these conversations. It is also possible that you hold resentments towards your partner, so use the tool to work through those as well. If you find it challenging to use the tool independently and tensions escalate, consider working with one of my relationship coaches to assist you effectively. Furthermore, focus on nurturing the friendship with your partner by initiating quality time, going on dates, and engaging in nonsexual touch. Your low libido partner needs these elements in place before they can be open to sexual contact.
Step 4: Finding the solution for wives
If you're low libido and find yourself in a sexless marriage, it is essential to reconsider the value of sex within your relationship. Since you may not think about it frequently or consider it a personal need, going for months or even years without sexual intimacy might not seem like a significant issue. However, it is crucial to acknowledge that your partner will be pulling away from you emotionally from feeling unloved sexually. Therefore, it is important to remind yourself that sex is a positive and wholesome aspect of your relationship. It represents love and connection and plays a vital role in the health of your marriage, bringing you closer emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Also, avoid setting the bar too high before being willing to engage in sexual activity. Create a culture within your relationship where your high libido partner does not have to meet unrealistic expectations for you to take steps toward them sexually. If you notice your partner putting in effort to connect with you emotionally, reciprocate by being more open to sexual connection with them. Remember, the more receptive you are to sexual contact, the more it will energize your marriage and create a positive cycle because your partner will become more motivated to provide affection, emotional closeness, and quality time. Also, take proactive steps by initiating romantic time, such as cuddling or sensual massage. Your sexuality is responsive so you won't feel any arousal until after foreplay begins. In addition, your brain is your biggest sexual organ. Therefore, if you want to initiate intimacy later in the day, intentionally be thinking sexy thoughts throughout the day, such as passionate memories with your partner from the past or ideas about sexual activity you would enjoy with them later in the day. This will warm up your mind and body so you're ready for intimacy later. Lasty, if you don't have a positive association with sex, spend some time reading books or listening to podcasts on healthy sex. If you have past sexual trauma, work with a trauma therapist. Your body won't be able to embrace what your mind rejects.
For further reading see below.
Keys To Better Sex For Your Wife
Steps Required Before Having Great Sex
Keys To More Sensual Massage & Romance
16 Ways To Avoid A Sexless Marriage
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Leave a comment below on what you think the sexless marriage effect is on a husband and wife.
1-Know your motivation and reasons for quitting.
First and foremost, it is crucial to understand your personal motivation for quitting porn. Identify your "why" and the values associated with it. For instance, if moral conviction is your driving force, quitting will bring a clear conscience and a sense of integrity. If it is about improving your health, quitting will enable you to pursue a healthier lifestyle with better balance, more social connections, regular exercise, and a nutritious diet. Perhaps repairing your relationship is the primary reason, so regaining your partner's trust becomes your motivation. Whatever your "why" may be, it is essential to acknowledge it because the journey to quit porn will be challenging, with moments of difficulty and setbacks. Reminding yourself of your motivation will help you stay on track.
2-Identify the underlying needs that pornography fulfills for you.
Next, it is vital to reflect on the deeper emotional and psychological needs that pornography fulfills for you. People turn to porn for various reasons, such as sexual frustration, loneliness, a desire for power, or a longing to fill emotional voids. These underlying issues should be addressed, and seeking counseling or relationship coaching can be beneficial in understanding and resolving them. Treating the root causes and not just the behavioral symptoms is crucial in overcoming addiction. Addiction often satisfies or conceals certain needs, and uncovering these aspects is necessary for long-term recovery. Pornography is highly addictive, as it triggers the same reward center in the brain as substances like crack cocaine. Acknowledging and exploring the holes it fills in your soul will help you overcome it.
3-Recognize and avoid vulnerable moments.
Knowing your vulnerable moments is the third step in quitting porn. Recognize the situations or circumstances that make you most susceptible to consuming pornography. Common vulnerable moments include late nights when fatigue weakens impulse control, times of anonymity during travel, or moments of solitude and tiredness. Identifying your own vulnerable moments will enable you to take proactive measures to avoid them. By anticipating these situations, you can plan alternative activities, such as spending time with friends, going to the movies, or turning off electronic devices early in the night. Avoiding these vulnerable moments will help you resist the temptation and prevent relapses.
4-Change your environment to disrupt the addiction sequence.
Changing your environment is another critical step in quitting porn. Addictions often follow a sequence, starting with triggers in your surroundings that activate the desire for pornography. By altering your environment, you can disrupt this sequence. If you sense the desire building within you, engaging in a different activity or going to a different location can help divert your attention. Beware of allowing yourself to take a peek at mild imagary because that is often a slippery slope to pornography. It is essential to be aware of the subtle signs of desire and intentionally make changes to your environment to prevent succumbing to the addiction.
5-Install blockers on your devices.
Number five, you need to have blockers installed on your devices. Do not assume that you are strong enough to overcome porn addiction on your own. No one is when it comes to any form of addiction. If you were addicted to cocaine, would you keep it in your house and rely solely on your willpower to resist it? Of course not. Similarly, if you were trying to reduce your consumption of sweets, would you keep them readily available in your home and expect to have enough willpower to resist them? Again, the answer is no. Knowing that you will have moments of weakness and temptation, it is crucial to have blockers installed on all of your devices. One popular software option is Covenant Eyes because it will block access to pornographic content and allow you to set up an accountability partner. This partner receives a report of your online activities, including screenshots of any explicit content you may encounter. It is important to have blockers in place because relying solely on your willpower to resist porn is not enough. Additionally, make sure someone else is in charge of the password for the blocker to prevent any attempts to bypass it during moments of temptation.
6-Seek accountability from a trusted partner or support group.
Number six, seek accountability. Software like Covenant Eyes, mentioned earlier, already includes built-in accountability features. By having someone else review your online activities, the anonymity that contributes to addiction is diminished. It is crucial to feel accountable and to know that someone else is aware of your actions. Similar to support groups found in programs like Alcoholics Anonymous, individuals overcoming any form of addiction benefit from having an accountability partner or group. Find someone you can confide in and talk to at least once a week about your journey to quit porn. Ideally, this person would also have experience with overcoming pornography addiction, allowing them to relate to your struggles and provide encouragement and assistance. Going through this journey alone and in isolation will hinder your success.
7-Redirect your thoughts to see people as complete individuals.
Number seven, redirect your thoughts. After having a history of viewing pornography, it is common for sexual thoughts to intrude upon everyday situations. People you find attractive may be automatically sexualized in your mind. This tendency takes time to fade, but you can actively contribute to its disappearance. The goal is to see people as complete individuals with emotions, concerns, and lives beyond their sexual appeal. Whenever you catch yourself sexualizing someone, whether in person or on screen, consciously redirect your thoughts. Focus on your partner if you're in a committed relationship, or shift your attention to something entirely different. Change your environment, engage in a different activity, listen to music, or eat something to break the train of sexual thoughts. By actively redirecting your thoughts, you can train your mind to view people as whole human beings rather than mere sexual objects. This step is crucial for the healing process after quitting pornography.
To recap, the seven steps to quit porn are as follows:
By following these steps, you can take important strides towards quitting pornography and experiencing a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Further Reading:
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]]>What is an attachment disorder in adulthood?
An attachment disorder is present when an adult is unable to maintain a close relationship primarily from attachment problems, such as having an insecure or avoidant attachment style.
1-Types of Attachment Styles.
There are four different attachment styles, secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. However, to simplify things, I'm going to clump them into two categories, secure and insecure. Someone who has a secure attachment style is comfortable with closeness, intimacy, and connection, and they trust others easily. Someone with an insecure attachment style is the opposite. They struggle with closeness and feel uncomfortable with intimacy and connection, and they mistrust others. Therefore, what type of attachment style you have will greatly impact how you connect or don't connect with your partner.
2-Causes of Attachment Styles.
Our attachment style comes from our family of origin. Attachment theory says the child who has at least one primary caregiver tuning into and responding to their signals sensitively and consistently will develop a sense of trust. They will feel like the world is a safe place, and therefore develop a secure attachment. That child will grow up and take that style with them into their adult relationships and feel comfortable with connection and closeness because they received it growing up. In contrast, if a child doesn't have a primary caregiver tuning into their signals sensitively and consistently they're going to develop a sense of mistrust and an insecure attachment style. They will feel like people are not safe. That child will grow up and take their attachment disorder into their adult relationships and struggle with connection and closeness because it wasn't modeled for them growing up.
There are a variety of reasons why some parents aren't attentive primary caregivers. One reason is because they were raised with an insecure attachment style themselves so they are repeating how they were raised. Another reason is they may be under the influence of substances or have mental health issues and are therefore unable to tune into their child's signals sensitively and consistently.
3-Impact of Attachment Styles.
If you have a secure attachment style, you're going to thrive as a partner because you're comfortable with closeness and you're more likely to give your partner the benefit of the doubt because you view people as safe and good. The opposite is true for someone who has an insecure attachment style. If you have an insecure attachment style, you're going to struggle because you'll feel uncomfortable with closeness with your partner. You'll be more likely to assume the worst in your partner's motives because you view people as unsafe and not good. This will result in you either becoming clingy for reassurance or detaching to protect yourself from getting hurt and both behaviors will strain your relationship.
4-Managing Attachment Styles.
Many relationships are made up of one securely attached partner and one insecurely attached partner. If you're the securely attached partner you will need to provide extra grace and patience. Remember, your insecurely attached partner's bahavior is not all about you. They may assume the worst of you, they may shut you out or become overly clingy at times. Expect it. You'll have areas for improvement too as a partner but the majority of the strain in your relationship will probably come from their insecure attachment style. However, you also have the power to transform your partner's insecure attachment style into a secure attachment style. You can become the unconditional love they never received and the safe, stable relationship they never had. You have a lot of opportunity to create a safe haven for your partner to work through their attachment wounds so they can become securely attached with you.
If you're the insecurely attached partner, when you start walling off for safety or become overly clingy because you feel insecure, remember it is not all your partner's fault. Rather, it's from your family of origin. You're bringing an attachment disorder into adulthood from your upbringing and you're projecting a lot of your insecurities onto your partner. Therefore, when you struggle giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, reconsider. Look for their innocence and the good in their heart. Look for how stable they have been in their love and commitment to you. Remind yourself that you are safe, that you are secure, and that it's OK to trust them. Reminding yourself of those truths over time will eventually become your new narrative. Your attachment wounds can be healed through your relationship!
Further Reading:
How to fix a broken relationship
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]]>What is the quality time love language?
The quality time love language is providing undivided attention to your partner without any distractions. This includes shutting down all tech so that your partner has your full attention. The quality time may include an activity or talking to nurture closeness.
Step One: Stop micromanaging your partner and share your tender underbelly.
The first step is to stop micromanaging your partner. If you're the partner who feels like you're not having enough quality time with your spouse, it's easy to start micromanaging everything they're spending time on. You may start bickering with them and picking away at how they spend their time. Doing that, however, creates a lot of tension, and makes them feel like you're controlling them. Underneath the micromanaging is wanting your partner to prioritize you, to connect with you. Often, we don't express how we're lonely or how we want to connect more. Instead, we micromanage and criticize but underneath the criticism is feeling lonely and sad. Criticizing and micromanaging will make your partner want to spend even less time with you. So, instead of criticizing how your partner spends their time, express your tender underbelly how you're feeling lonely and sad from the lack of quality time together.
Step Two: Define your ideal amount of time.
Both you and your partner need to think of the ideal amount of time you would like to spend together during the work week and during the weekends. Spend some time reflecting on this. How much quality time with your partner would you love to have during the work week? What about on the weekend? Quality time may include time with your children, but you need quality time alone with your partner too. For the purposes of this exercise, only be thinking about quality time with your partner. How much quality time would you need to feel close, to feel connected, and to feel like a team? It's hard to feel like a team with someone you don't spend any time with. Instead, you're going to feel like two ships passing in the night or like business partners. You're definitely not going to feel like lovers, since regular sexual intimacy only happens when couples feel close through regular quality time together. If you're complaining that you don't have enough emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy, think about how much quality time you have spent with your partner over the past week. Probably not very much. Now, pull out your phone and look at how much time you spent surfing the internet over the past week. Often, we have the time, but we’re choosing to spend it elsewhere and it damages our relationship because relationships are alive. Because your relationship is alive, it needs oxygen and the oxygen is quality time.
Step Three: Compromise on the amount of time and the activities
Now that both you and your partner have decided on what your ideal amount of quality time is, you need to strike a compromise. Your ideal amount of quality time is probably different than your partner's. That's because you're different people and you have different needs around quality time. That's OK. The main thing is to share power to strike a compromise. For example, let's say Partner A’s ideal is one hour and 30 minutes of quality time every night and Partner B's ideal amount of quality time every night is 30 minutes. A compromise would be one hour because that will be a little less than what Partner A wants and a little more than what Partner B wants. You know it's a compromise when both partners aren't getting exactly what they want. You have to strike a compromise so you both have an equal voice. The partner who wants more time can't dictate how much quality time you'll spend together. Likewise, the partner who wants less time can't dictate how much quality time you'll spend together. It needs to be a compromise, somewhere in the middle.
Also, you must compromise on what you do during your quality time together. Partner A may want to spend the whole time talking. Partner B may want to spend the whole time doing an activity. Compromise by doing a little bit of both.
Step Four: Consider the fishbowl analogy.
The fishbowl analogy says we all have a certain amount of time in our week represented by the fishbowl. What most couples do is start the week by putting in big boulders that seem essential. Work, kids, hobbies, friends, social media, chores, Netflix, etc. Before long, the fishbowl is filled and there's no time for your marriage. This is why a lot of marriages get crumbs because marriage is put in last and there's no room. Instead, dump out the fishbowl and think about what it would look like to put in your marriage first with quality time? Then, after your marriage is put in add in everything else around it. Now there won't be enough room for everything else so some it will have to be reduced. This is how you can make your marriage number one in your life. This is a marriage-centric way to live.
Those are the four steps to develop better quality time with your partner. The more quality time love language you have together, the more emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy you're going to have. The four steps include; 1-Stop micromanaging your partner's activities and express your tender underbelly, 2-Decide on an ideal amount of quality time you want to have with your partner, 3-Share power on the amount of quality time by reaching a compromise, and 4-Practice the fishbowl analogy by putting your marriage in first.
Check out the articles below to learn more!
How long does it take to fall back in love?
How to reverse a loveless marriage?
Why do couples fall out of love?
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What else would you suggest for more quality time love language in your relationship?
]]>1. Understand Your Partner's Relationship With Money
The first step is understanding your partner's relationship with money. We all have a relationship with money. Some of us view money as power, some of us view money as anxiety, while others of us view money as freedom or security. The best thing to explore is your partner's upbringing with money. Sit down, if you haven't already, and ask them, “How did your family interact with money growing up? Was there abundance? Was there scarcity? Was it used as power and control over you? Was it used as a source of fun? Was there recklessness around spending habits and therefore stress?” Learning how your partner's family interacted with money will show you a lot about how they currently interact with it.
For example, my mother was continually stressed about not having enough money when I was growing up. I remember her never having cash in her wallet and worrying there wouldn't be enough to pay the bills. That created a desire in me to be ambitious and have multiple streams of income one day for security. What about you? What's your relationship with money? What's your partner's relationship with money? Spend some time exploring their background because it will tell you a lot about how they approach money today.
2. Respect Different Approaches To Money
Second, you have to respect different approaches to money. All of us are wired differently. Some of us are savers while others of us are spenders. There's validity in both because you need a spender and you need a saver. We often become judgmental toward our partner's approach to money and dismiss their values because it doesn't line up with ours. How much do you respect differences with how your partner wants to spend or save money? Or, how much do you judge and dismiss their financial preferences when they don't line up with yours?
3. Develop An "Ours" Mindset
Third, you want to develop an “ours” mindset. How much do you have an “ours” mindset with money in your marriage? Most of us don't because it's a learned skill. Growing up and before you got married all money was yours. You didn't have to share it with anyone. It was your paycheck. It was your banking account. It was your savings. However, when you get married, the two become one, including your finances. So, it's a mindset shift from mine to ours. Have you made that shift? A lot of people are married and they still haven't made that mindset shift from mine to ours. The way to approach money in marriage is that all money coming in, no matter who's making it, is our money. That mindset shift helps you view your partner as a teammate and will bring a sense of unity around finances. Thinking this is my money and that's your money will create division. To encourage an "ours" mindset I recommend couples having one joint checking account where all paychecks are deposited into it and all bills are paid out of it.
4. Learn To Share Power On Decisions
Fourth, you have to learn to share power. Sharing power is a major topic I talk about in my marriage book the Total Marriage Refresh. You have to learn how to share power in all areas of marriage, especially finances. This is where my tool Bounce the Ball comes into play. Bounce the Ball is when Partner A shares their opinion on the topic, the core value under their opinion, and then they bounce the ball by saying, “What do you think?” Partner B then does the same; they share their position on the topic and where that value comes from, then they bounce the ball back by saying, “What do you think?” Then, both partners must start adjusting their original position to honor their partner's position until they reach a compromise that works for both of them. If both partners have a malleable spirit and believe in an equal partnership, this tool works really well. My wife and I just went through this with how much money to spend on our children's birthdays. My wife was raised in a home where birthdays were filled with lavish presents, meals, and activities all day long. I was raised in a home where birthdays were celebrated but more modestly. So my wife and I were bringing different values to this topic from our past and we had to share power to find a compromise by bouncing the ball. The compromise was having birthdays that were more modest than she wanted and more lavish than I wanted. Making financial decisions without your partner's consent will lead to relationship problems quickly!
5. Develop A Budget Together
Fifth, develop a budget together. A budget allows you to see where all your money is going. Some of the items in your budget are going to be fixed, such as your rent or mortgage, utility bill, phone bill, etc. However, some categories are going to be up for discussion. How much should we spend on groceries every week? How much should we use for spending money every week? How much should we spend on birthdays? How much should we spend on holiday gifts? All of these items should be in your budget and you need to share power on them to find compromises. A budget is a great way to not only gain control around your spending, but also to develop a sense of teamwork with your partner. Also, I recommend setting up two individual checking accounts to deposit your spending money into. For example, let's say you agree each partner receives $500/month to spend as they wish. That $500 would be deposited into your separate account to spend as you choose without needing to check with your partner first. This provides a sense of autonomy while also respecting the amount you both agreed to in your budget for spending money.
6. Get Out Of Debt
Sixth, get out of debt. When you're in debt, it puts 1,000 pounds of pressure on your shoulders. The more financial stress you have, the more marital conflict you'll have. Debt is a primary source of financial stress so it needs to be eliminated. Unfortunately, our society makes it very easy to go into debt. Think about all the offers to buy now and pay later. It's all around us, so we start thinking, “Why not? I want that new, shiny thing." We make the purchase and before we know it, we have lots of payments. Now our entire paycheck is going toward payments and we're barely making ends meet. Credit cards are a primary cause of this. Think about how easy it is to get into credit card debt. People tend to spend more using a credit card compared to a debit card. You can't spend money on your debit card unless you have money in the bank so it holds you accountable. Also, most people don't pay off their credit card at the end of the month and before long they are in debt. My wife and I are guilty of this. We had a credit card and we promised to pay it off each month but here and there we weren't able to. Before long, it got really high and we thankfully paid it off and vowed never to let it happen again. Guess what, a few years later it happened again! That was the last straw. We decided to chop up our credit card and we have been without credit cards for several years now. It’s been one of the best things we've ever done financially because it forced us to start rethinking how we use our money. It moved us from, “Let's just get it!” to “We can't get it unless we have the cash”. It forced us to get on the same page with our spending, to start saving, and to practice delayed gratification with our purchases. I highly recommend you do the same. Get rid of your credit cards and only pay for things with cash. Also, start paying off all your debt from smallest to largest. With each debt paid off you'll rest easier at night!
7. Build An Emergency Fund
Seventh, build an emergency fund. How much money do you have saved for emergencies? Most people have none, which forces them into debt to pay for the emergency. Now they have the stress of the emergency plus the added stress of debt. Don't let that be you. It is recommended to have three to six months of living expenses in an emergency fund. You won't know what that amount is until you complete your budget. My wife and I just went through an emergency when our car broke down. I took the car in to the shop and they found a faulty part in the motor that's common for that model and year. It was an expensive repair and I was told that if I didn’t repair it, it could damage the entire motor eventually. So even though it was stressful and I didn't want to spend the money, we had an emergency fund to pay for it. So that stressful situation turned into an inconvenience, instead of a debilitating stressor. You want to feel the same. Get ready for emergencies because it's a matter of time before your next one happens.
8. Save For The Future.
Eighth, save for the future. We're a culture of spenders not savers. So many people are guilty of living paycheck to paycheck. Americans are known to be poor savers compared to other parts of the world like Europe and Japan. That's a problem we need to reverse. We're not saving for our children's college and we're not saving for our retirement. We're not saving because we don't have any extra income since we’re in debt. So, once you get your debt paid off and your emergency fund built, start saving for the future. I am guilty of this too because I'm a natural spender. However, through the years I've slowly developing the self-discipline to save because I've learned how important it is. You need to prioritize saving so you're not a burden to your children one day and so you can enjoy your golden years.
9. Share In Managing The Money
Ninth, share in managing the money. Don't have one partner manage all the money because that creates a lot of stress and it creates division rather than unity. I recommend developing two routines around money. First, sit down once a week and balance your budget together. This includes reviewing everything that was spent to see if you were over or under budget for the week. This will show you what adjustments need to be made. This is also a great time to share in bill paying. Second, meet with a financial adviser together every 6 months to review your portfolio and see what adjustments you need to make with your investments and savings. This will help you and your partner start thinking of your future together, which will also develop a sense of teamwork in your marriage.
So there you have it, 9 steps to fix finances in marriage. First, understand your partner's relationship with money. Second, respect different approaches to money. Third, develop an "ours" mindset. Fourth, learn to share power on decisions. Fifth, develop a budget together. Sixth, get out of debt. Seventh, build an emergency fund. Eighth, save for the future. And ninth, share in managing the money!
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]]>While I'm a believer in long-term marriages, sometimes you need to get a divorce. For example, you need to get a divorce if you're in an abusive relationship. If your partner is abusive, get a separation and a restraining order. If your partner has cheated and refuses to cease contact with their lover, get a separation. After the separation if they still refuse to cease contact with their lover, get a divorce. If you're in a relationship and your partner is indifferent toward your needs, and you've worked with a couple's counselor or coach for 3-6 months and they still refuse to meet your needs, get a separation. If they still won't change after the separation, get a divorce. Being committed to a long-term, covenant marriage doesn't mean you're supposed to tolerate mistreatment or be miserable the rest of your life. Therefore, divorce is OK at times but it's not always the best answer. If you're wondering "should I get a divorce?" below are three reasons not to get one.
1-They are open to receiving support.
If your partner is open to receiving support, there's hope. There are many avenues of support; such as podcasts, apps, books, conferences, and coaches. I have developed several resources on this website to help couples save their marriage. It's helpful to have a variety of resources because every partner is different with what they are comfortable with. Some people feel more comfortable reading a book, others prefer listening to a podcast, others want to attend a conference, others want to work with a coach, and others want to use an app. The variety provides choices. My personal recommendation is to use all of them to supercharge your relationship. Listen to my marriage podcast, get the couples app, read the marriage book, attend the marriage retreat, and work with a relationship coach. Accessing all the resources will maximize your relationship the most. So, if you're wondering "should I get a divorce?" the answer is no if your partner is open to receiving support because that shows they are willing to work on the marriage. Also, remember how difficult it is to reach out for help. I know firsthand because when my wife and I went through winter in our relationship, I had a really hard time reaching out for help because I thought I could fix our marriage. For us it was sexual brokenness, where my wife had trauma from her upbringing, which made her avoid all sexual contact in our relationship. I responded poorly to that rejection with anger and then we had a vicious cycle. The more she avoided sexual contact, the more I responded with anger, the more I responded with anger, the more she avoided sexual contact. To make matters worst, I was resistant to reaching out for help because I was a therapist in training so I thought I could fix us. Big mistake. I eventually realized I couldn't be our own therapist because I wasn't objective and my wife doesn't view me as a therapist, understandably. Thankfully, I finally swallowed my pride and reached out for help, which started a multi-year journey of us reading books, listening to podcasts, going to conferences, and working with several therapists. All that support eventually moved us out of winter and into spring, which is where you fall back in love because your needs start being met and resentments start getting healed.
2-Change takes time.
The second reason not to give up on your marriage is because change takes time. Your partner may need more time to improve and learn how to meet your needs. Change takes time. Every behavior we have creates a neural pathway in our brain. Therefore, changing behavior is hard because it requires creating new neural pathways in our brain. Think of it as a hiking trail. I live in Colorado and I love to hike. A hiking trail is a well-worn path and similar to the default behavior in your marriage. If you want your partner to create new behavior, you're asking them to create a new hiking trail. Creating a new hiking trail requires lots of intentionality and repeated practice before the trail is well worn. It takes time. Similarly, it takes time for your partner to create new behaviors in your marriage. So if you're wondering "should I get a divorce" remind yourself that change takes time. If you see your partner trying and if you zoom out and see overall progress, don't give up.
3-You're not perfect either.
The third reason not to give up on your relationship is because you are not perfect either. No one is perfect in their marriage. The goal is to figure out what your part is. How are you contributing to the problems and vicious cycles in your marriage? How are you making things worse? What do you say and do that contributes to the negative dynamics in your relationship? You can't blame your partner for your marital problems until you master your side that's making things worse. Most of us over-focus on our partner's problems and under-focus on our own. How do you need to get better? How do you need to improve? There's no reason to give up on your partner until you are doing an amazing job as a partner yourself. Only then do you have the freedom to critique your partner, when you're free of critique yourself. I'm guilty of this. In the winter season I referenced above, I was so over-focused on my wife's rejection of sex that I failed to see how my angry reaction was making everything worse. I was contributing to the vicious cycle yet I only blamed her. Once I started owning and working on my part, things started to progress because my wife began seeing me as an ally rather than an enemy, which opened her up toward me sexually too. Therefore, if you're wondering "should I get a divorce?" ask your partner how you could become a better partner. Ask them what your growth areas are and master them. Doing so could transform your marriage.
In summary, don't get a divorce if your partner is open to receiving support. Also, remember change takes time and you're not perfect either.
For further reading, check out my articles below.
Tips on how to save your marriage
Tips on how to fix a broken relationship
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]]>What are sexy games?
Sexy games are activities, such as board games or card games, that facilitate romance in your relationship. They promote connection by encouraging increased emotional closeness and physical intimacy by adding variety and spice to your relationship.
1- Love Lingual - Get it here!
When we're first dating someone we tend to ask lots of questions. Therefore, we get to know them really well. However, after we are together for awhile we stop asking questions, which makes us lose touch with who they are. Your partner is always evolving. Therefore, continually asking them questions is key to staying close. Love Lingual is a great game to get to know your partner again. It comes with 150 cards of questions in five categories, which includes family, intimacy, couple, individual, and past/future. An example of a question in the family category may be "What was one of your favorite memories from your upbringing?" An example of a question from the past/future category may be "What would you love to accomplish within the next five years?" We don't ask these types of questions in the day to day grind of life. Therefore, games like Love Lingual help us get to know our partner again on a deeper level.
2-Talk, Flirt, Dare- Get it here!
Talk, Flirt, Dare is one of the top sexy games to try because it bridges the gap between emotional closeness and physical closeness. The "talk" cards ask fun, creative questions to get to know your partner better. For example, one card may say, "If you and your partner quit your day jobs and became professional bloggers, what would you blog about?" The "flirt" cards raise the heat with more romantic questions, such as "Of all your partner's outfits, which ones look sexiest to you and why?" The "dare" cards raise the heat a few more notches by adding action, such as "For the next 10 minutes be your partner's servant by bringing them whatever they want or providing whatever they desire."
Loopy is a great sexual game for more variety and spice! It's a board game where you spin the arrow, pick a card, and then do what it says. It also comes with a satin blindfold to heighten your experience. When you deprive one of your senses (sight) your other senses will become stronger. You can choose four levels of cards based on your comfort level out of "talks, kisses, fondles, or fun activities" plus "special" cards that can be anything. The focus of the game is to have fun while pleasing or being pleased. The variety of questions keeps things interesting and you still have control by choosing which category to pick from.
Monogamy recommends beginning by setting the scene with soft music, your favorite beverages, and lighting some candles. Then, begin rolling the dice and move your player to the spot on the board and do what it says. When you land on a spot for cards you'll have three categories to pick from. The first category is "Intimate" and the cards provide questions to further your emotional connection or they will ask you to engage in romantic activities like kissing or cuddling. The next category is "Passionate" and the cards encourage light foreplay. The last category of cards is "Steamy" and the actions become more explicit. As you're going around the board you may also land on "treat," which are things to surprise your partner with over the next week, such as a special meal or a sexy text. Also, each time you pass go you'll pick up a "fantasy" card, which provides an exciting role play idea you can put implement when the game is over.
1-To Foster Emotional Connection
The first reason is to foster emotion connection. A lot of sexy games start with emotional closeness. For example, they will have cards with questions to ask your partner, such as "What's on your bucket list?" or "What are your biggest goals for the next five years?" or "What are some of your biggest regrets over the past five years?" These are topics we typical don't talk about with our partner and they foster emotional closeness and emotional closeness is often a prerequisite before steamy, physical connection can occur. It's important to ask questions about your partner's life because we're constantly changing. What we're thinking about, what we're dreaming about, and what we're stressing about is continually evolving, which is called our love map. Think of the map of a major city today compared to 10 years ago, 30 years ago, or 100 years ago. The map is always changing as new buildings and roads are erected and old ones are torn down. You would never use an old, outdated map of a city. Likewise, you want to make sure the love map of your partner is updated and spending time in quality conversation with creative questions is a great way to do it.
2- To Foster Romance
The second reason is to foster romance. Think about the nonstop romance you probably had when you were first dating. You probably had nice candlelight dinners, sensual massages, picnics by the lake, and lots of love letters. Unfortunately, most of that stops when we're together for a while. Instead of focusing on romance our focus goes outward to other things, such as kids, mortgage, careers, and our 401K. All these things are important but we take our eye off our partner. We stop having romance. So, that's another reason to start using sexual games because a lot of them promote romance. For example, many will encourage you to light some candles, play some soft music, and wear something sensual. They'll encourage you to set the scene because setting the scene is romantic.
3-To Foster Foreplay
A third reason is because they foster foreplay. After you've been together for awhile, foreplay is often fast forwarded to get to intercourse. That's unfortunate because for most low libido partners foreplay is their main event because that's where they experience the most pleasure and arousal. Sexy games are great because they bring back the focus on foreplay. For example, if you land on a certain space and pull a card you have to do what it says. One card may say something like "make out for five minutes." Another card may say "stimulate your partner manually for five minutes on top of their underwear." Foreplay like this can be fun and bonding. It also builds arousal, which many low libido partners need more of. Most low libido partners need 15 to 30 minutes of sexual activity to reach orgasm and high libido partners only need 3 to 5 minutes. That's a big discrepancy! Foreplay forces you to slow down so both partners are building arousal together.
4-To Foster Passion
The fourth reason to use sexy game is to foster passion. Are you bored in the bedroom? Does it feel like vanilla ice cream? Is it predictable? You touch me here, I touch you there, then after a few minutes we're done. That's how it gets for many couples. We get in a rut and like anything in life, we need variety. We need to change it up. Vacation is similar. The grind of day to day life can get boring so to spice things up we go on vacations. The vacations get us out of our familiar space and routines and there's something invigorating and refreshing about that. We need a vacation in the bedroom and sexy games can create one because they provide variety, such as new ways to touch one another or new positions to try. Variety adds heat to the bedroom. The other advantage is the games create anticipation because you're slowly building arousal through the emotional closeness, romance, and foreplay. One of the most powerful aphrodisiacs is anticipation. The longer the anticipation, the more powerful the erotic touch becomes when it finally occurs.
In summary, the fop four reasons to integrate sexy games into your relationship are to foster emotional connection, romance, foreplay, and passion.
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]]>A sexy massage begins by deciding who will be the giver and who will be the receiver first. It's important to have designated roles because some people get so focused on giving they forget to receive while others get so focused on receiving they forget to give. Therefore, having designed roles for each clarifies expectations and ensures both partners do their part. It can help to set a timer for 10-15 minutes then switch roles when it rings. The job of the giver is to provide the sensual massage to their partner. For example, start with the feet, then move to the legs, then to the stomach, then to the back, then to the shoulders, then to the arms, then to the hands, and then to the head. All sexual parts are off limits during the massage because this is sensual touch time not erotic touch time. I'll discuss in step #7 if things turn erotic or not after the massage is over. The job of the giver is to experiment with different types of touch, such as light tickles, kisses, light massage, or firm massage. The job of the receiver is to provide positive redirect with affirmation. This means if you don't care for the type of touch you're receiving nudge your partner toward the type of touch that would feel better then tell them how good it feels. This trains your partner on how to touch your body. For example. If your partner is using light tickles on your back and you don't care for it gently tell them "firm massage" then when they switch to providing firm massage affirm it by saying "yes, that feels so good." This keeps the experience positive and pleasurable for both partners. Also, when you're the receiver keep asking yourself "where do I want my partner to touch me next?" This question will help you stay in the "here and now" and focus on what your body is desiring.
Next is smell. What would be most pleasant for you to smell? A first step for some may be asking your partner to show up for the sexy massage freshly showered so you can smell soap on their body. What about burning incense or candles? Some popular candle smells include vanilla, lavender, roses, or lemon. You want the massage to be a multi-sensory experience so optimizing smell is important.
Next is taste. Don't forget that a major source of pleasure is what we taste. Therefore, integrate taste into your sensual massage. Think about what would be most enjoyable to sip or munch on during the massage. For some this may be pieces of dark chocolate or sipping red wine. Whatever would feel enjoyable to your palate is fair game. One word of caution. Be sure to prop yourself up on something as you munch or sip so you don't choke during the sensual massage. Talk about a mood killer!
Next is touch. Your entire body is a sensory organ through touch. Therefore, consider what would optimize your pleasure through touch during the sexy massage. Consider what type of surface would feel best to lay on for the massage. Would you prefer carpet, pillows, bedspreads, or sheets? Also, what clothing or undergarments would you like to wear that would feel most comfortable? Being relaxed and comfortable is key for the massage. When you're relaxed you'll stay in your parasympathetic nervous system, which will allow you to enjoy the sensual massage much more. Also, what type of lotion would you like your partner to use when they massage your body? One of the most popular options is coconut oil because it smells good, is easy to rub on, and it doesn't make a mess like baby oil does.
Next is sound. What would you love to hear during the sensual massage? First, consider what type of background sound or music would be most enjoyable for you. Would you prefer silence, crickets, the crackling of a campfire, ocean waves, romantic songs, or hip hop? As with all the senses, be sure to discuss your partner's preferences as well to find a compromise that works for both of you. If you can't find a compromise, consider having the receiver choose their preference as they are getting the massage then switch it up as the other partner receives their massage. Also, what types of sounds would you love to hear from your partner during the massage? Would you like silence from them or would you love to hear them make noises to indicate how the massage is making them feel. For example, your partner may let out a gentle moaning sound as you rub their shoulders because it feels so relaxing. If you prefer your partner to make sounds in response to your touch be sure to discuss how comfortable they would feel with this and seek a compromise that would work for both of you. Being sensitive to both partner's preferences and seeking a compromise is continually the goal.
This may be the step you've been most curious about. When the sexy massage is over does it lead to erotic contact? The short answer is, it depends. Some nights when the sensual massage is over the high libido partner may be aroused but not the low libido partner. On those nights the high libido partner can go to a different part of the house and pleasure themselves if they choose to. On other nights after the massage both partners may be aroused or open to getting aroused. On those nights things can move into erotic contact but it defers to the low libido partner. Think of sexual contact as a buffet rather than only intercourse. If the options are intercourse or nothing low libido partners will often choose nothing. Some options to consider instead are some nights you do everything above the waist, other nights everything manual below the waist, other nights everything oral below the waist, other nights lay next to one another while you pleasure yourself, and other nights you do everything including intercourse. The low libido partner chooses what they are open to and that determines what the couple does. This approach is beneficial to low libido partners because it brings back voice and choice so they are fully present during sexual activity and providing full consent. This approach is beneficial to high libido partners because their partner will be more engaged during sexual contact and they'll experience more frequent sexual contact of some type. Therefore, it creates a win/win for both partners.
So there you have it, the top seven sexy massage tips for an amazing sensual massage. First, decide who will be the giver or receiver. Second, optimize your pleasure with sight. Third, optimize your pleasure with smell. Fourth, optimize your pleasure with taste. Fifth, optimize your pleasure with touch. Sixth, optimize your pleasure with sound. And seventh, decide if erotic touch happens after the sensual massage is over.
Most couples rarely touch and when they do it's for sex. This may work for high libido partners but not for low libido partners. Low libido partners need regular non-sexual touch to feel close and connected. Skin on skin contact also releases the neurotransmitter Oxytocin in your brain, which is called the love drug. This is why newborns are placed on their mother's chest after birth to begin the bonding process. When you and your partner have skin on skin contact it releases Oxytocin, which bonds you together. Therefore, prioritizing massage is essential to bond you and your partner. Furthermore, having sexy massages is a wonderful way to bring back romance into your relationship, which many partners desire more of.
Click below for more resource to improve intimacy with your partner.
Learn how to avoid a sexless marriage
Learn why it's helpful to vary up your sexual positions
Learn how couples can optimize sex in marriage
Learn about the top benefits to mutual masturbation
Learn the top ways to optimize sex for wives
Learn the top four sexy games to try
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]]>What are relationship goals?
Couple goals are focused objectives couples develop to improve their relationship on multiple fronts. Some common areas may include improve communication, improve empathy, improve conflict resolution, improve sharing power, improve sharing workload, improve sexual intimacy, and increase quality time spent together.
But how many of us have couple goals? How many of us intentionally think about how we could improve as partners to improve our relationship? Not many! No wonder many couples drift into complacency in their relationship, they aren't setting goals. This article will provide a guidepost on some of the top goals to consider if you want to develop and sustain a successful relationship.
1-Establishing a Covenant Foundation
The first step in developing couple goals is having a covenant foundation to your relationship. Most couples approach their commitment as a contract where they are in it until their needs aren't met and they don't feel in love. Their commitment is entirely based on their feelings. Unfortunately, as most of us know, feelings are fleeting so this approach makes commitment fragile. In contrast, the covenant approach says you're in it for the long-haul, despite winter seasons where your needs aren't met and you don't feel in love. It's during those seasons you dig deeper and try harder by reaching out for help through a podcast, book, seminar, or counselor. The covenant approach creates more security in the relationship because partners don't threaten to end things each time there's a conflict. And greater security leads to greater emotional and physical intimacy. Also, staying in a relationship long-term provides opportunities to become refined in your character through constructive feedback from your partner. For example, over time, your partner may highlight that you can sometimes be a poor listener, self-focused, controlling, critical, etc. This type of feedback provides opportunity for you to reflect on and work toward becoming a better person and partner. This opportunity is absent in contract marriages because people jump from relationship to relationship when things get difficult.
2. Owning Your Brokenness
The second step in developing couple goals is owning your brokenness. Brokenness is the culmination of all the weaknesses you bring into a relationship. We all have them. Usually, these shortcomings are created from challenges or difficulties we experienced growing up. Then, once you're in a relationship your areas of brokenness interact with your partner's and vicious cycles are created. Therefore, it's vital to list out your top three areas of brokenness and own them. Then, you can look for the vicious cycles both of your areas of brokenness create in your relationship. For example, you may bring the bent to be controlling into the relationship and your partner may bring the bent to be passive. This quickly creates a vicious cycle where the more you are controlling the more your partner becomes passive and the more your partner becomes passive the more you become controlling. This is a vicious cycle. If you both paused to reflect on your brokenness and owned your part it could do several things. First, it would highlight both of your growth areas you both need to work on. You need to work on becoming less controlling and learn how to share power, which we'll discuss next, and your partner needs to learn how to become more vocal with his/her opinions. When both partners are owning their brokenness it leads to faster reconciliation of conflicts because you both are able to apologize for your part. Also, owning your brokenness injects healthy humility and emotional safety into the relationship by acknowledging you both aren't perfect because you both have growth areas.
3. Learning to Share Power
The third step in developing relationship goals is learning to share power. Sharing power occurs when both partners feel like they have an equal voice in all decisions of their relationship. If you feel like no matter what you say your partner does whatever they want anyway then they aren't sharing power. Feeling like your voice matters and is heard is vital to a healthy relationship. In fact, relationships that don't share power tend to have more conflict because feeling voiceless quickly leads to resentment. Some people struggle sharing power for a variety of factors. For example, if you were raised with a permissive parent who allowed you to come and go as you pleased you probably developed a strong will doing whatever you wanted. Not surprisingly, you brought that strong will into your adult relationship and now it's hard for you to share power because you're used to doing things your way. This also can happen if you were an only child growing up and never had to share with a sibling and everything was centered around your preferences. Likewise, this would make it harder for you to share power in your adult relationship because you're used to getting things your way. The opposite can also occur. For example, if you were raised with strict and authoritarian parents you may have never developed your voice growing up on what you feel and think. Therefore, you may be too quick to give up power in your adult relationship because you didn't have any growing up. Regardless of your background, you must strive toward sharing power with your partner so you both have an equal voice in your relationship on all decisions that impact you as a couple.
4. Developing Emotional Attachment
The fourth step in developing couple goals is developing emotional attachment. The goal is to feel like best friends with your partner. But how do you get there? First, you have to work through any unresolved resentments in your relationship. Resentments are part and parcel to long-term relationships because inevitably you and your partner are going to hurt one another intentionally or unintentionally because you're both imperfect people. Then, in response to hurt feelings you probably either stuff it down or blow up and both responses are harmful to the relationship. Every unresolved resentment is a brick in the wall dividing you and your partner. Therefore, addressing areas of resentment and resolving them is a vital first step to emotional closeness. It's hard to feel like best friends with someone you resent! After resentments are worked through, it's important to start nurturing your emotional connection in the relationship. This is primarily done through a regular routine I call the head/heart check. This is time where both partners power off their devices, provide one another undivided attention, then proceed to have a quality conversation to become updated on one another again. We are each constantly changing day to day with what we are feeling and thinking. And if there's no way to stay updated with our partner, we quickly become outdated. Therefore, the head/heart check is a method to help you and your partner stay updated on one another. It involves both partners asking one another "what's been on your head and heart?" The head is everything you did throughout the day and the heart is everything you felt and why. The most common feeling categories are mad, sad, glad, or fear. It's helpful to spend a few moments consolidating what you felt throughout the day before the head/heart check so you're prepared to share during it. There are two guidelines to remember during the head/heart check. First, you're not allowed to bring up anything negative you've been feeling toward your partner during it or else they'll associate it with time to be criticized. Second, you're not allowed to give any advice to your partner unless they ask you for it. Instead, respond with empathy to help them feel supported. Great empathy statements to master include "makes sense you would feel ____ because of ____, no wonder you feel ____, or that sucks."
5. Cultivating Sexual Fireworks
The fifth step in developing relationship goals is cultivating sexual fireworks. Most relationships are made up of a high and libido partner. The high libido partner pursues sex and the low libido partner proceeds to have obligation sex. When obligation sex becomes the norm the low libido partner usually develops resentment. However, if sexual advances by the high libido partner are constantly denied they develop resentment. It's a conundrum for most couples, which creates a vicious cycle where each partner begins waiting for their needs to be met before they meet their partner's needs. For example, the low libido partner will often say they need emotional intimacy before they are open to sexual intimacy. In contrast, high libido partners will say they need sexual intimacy to be open to emotional intimacy. The perfect standoff! The goal to a healthy sex life is for couples to first work through resentments, then build emotional intimacy through head/heart checks and regular dates, then add sensual activity together, such as cuddling, showering, or a sensual massage. After sensual activity when both partners are aroused or open to getting aroused things can turn sexual. However, sexual activity should be viewed as a buffet rather than intercourse or nothing. Low libido partners often aren't up for intercourse so they'll choose nothing. Instead, consider some nights you do everything above the waist, other nights you do everything manual below the waist, other nights you do everything oral below the waist, or other nights you both masturbate next to one another, etc. The preference for the night defers to the low libido partner to bring back voice and choice. This also benefits the high libido partner because some type of sexual activity will occur more frequently and their partner will be more engaged during it.
6. Staying in Love
The sixth step in developing couple goals is staying in love. You entered into a committed relationship with your partner because you fell in love with them and they fell in love with you. Therefore, staying in love becomes the ultimate goal for couples. However, most couples fall out of love over time because they stop tending to the relationship. Enter the love bucket tool. The love bucket tool helps couples fall back in love and stay in love. You have a love bucket inside of you and your partner is the faucet. In the beginning of the relationship they were doing all the right things to fill up your bucket. However, over time they turned down the faucet and started dripping water into your bucket instead. Meanwhile, they started doing behaviors you don't like and that created a hole in the bottom of your bucket and water started leaking out. When love buckets get dry you fall out of love. Therefore, filling up love buckets is essential to falling back in love and staying in love. To start, think of the top three fillers you need to feel loved and satisfied and the top three drainers your partner does that makes you feel negative toward them. Common fillers include emotional intimacy, affection, adoration, sex, quality time, etc. Next, think of the top three drainer behaviors your partner does that makes you feel negative toward them. Common drainers include harsh anger, controlling, critical, defensiveness, selfish, etc. The goal is to begin providing your partner's fillers they desire to fill up their bucket while reducing the drainer behavior that drains it. If you're providing the fillers but still doing the drainers you're effort will be pointless because your drainer behaviors will cancel out all of the fillers! Therefore, to fill up your partner's love bucket you must learn to fill it up while eliminating your drainer behavior that drains it down. Doing so consistently will make you irresistible and that's the key to staying in love! I believe in this model so much I developed a couples app for it called Keep the Glow you can access here.
And there you have it, the top six relationship goals to dedicate your relationship to if you want to thrive. Establishing a covenant foundation, owning your brokenness, learning to share power, developing emotional attachment, cultivating sexual fireworks, and staying in love. These steps are covered in more depth at my Total Marriage Refresh marriage retreats and in my book for couples. Don't delay! Get started today working the steps to turn around your relationship and propel it forward for years to come.
Further Reading:
Conflict Resolution in Marriage
Emotional Intimacy in Marriage
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The first thing to increase is appreciation. How often do you tell your wife what you admire about her? How often do you express appreciation? Appreciation can be about something she did that you admired. It can be character qualities about her that you love. It can be things about her physical appearance that you appreciate most. A lot of us don't say the positive things we appreciate because we don't think to or because we're so consumed with the negative. Most of us look for the areas we're not happy with. Those things are valid and need to be addressed; however, we also need to make a concerted effort to look for the good. Each night when you have your quality time together, start out by expressing appreciation. Comment on at least one thing you've admired or appreciated about your wife over the past 1-2 days. Doing so will make her feel loved and cherished.
If you're wondering how to be a better husband, the second thing to do is provide regular affection. The majority of women love affection. However, they want to be touched in a way they like to be touched. So, ask your wife what kind of affection she would like most. Would she like light tickles on her arm? Would she like firm massage on her shoulders? Would she like her hair played with? Some women love all types of affection and some are very particular with what they like. My wife, for example, only likes light tickles for affection and that's not my style of affection. My natural bent is to touch more firmly by squeezing arms, grabbing legs, or patting backs. That's the kind of affection I was given growing up. However, my wife was raised getting light tickles for affection, so I've had to learn to touch her that way for it to count as affection. Therefore, don't assume you know how your wife likes to be touched. You have to ask her, be receptive to her feedback, and then provide that kind of touch. Also, one of the worst things you can do is only touch her when you want to have sex. Your wife will quickly notice and then resent your touch because there's ulterior motives. You have to provide affection much more often than when you want to have sex so your wife feels like your touch has pure motives. One of the best times to provide affection is during the moments when you feel most positive toward her. As you notice things you admire and appreciate about your wife, let her know through your words and affectionate touch. Doing so will make your affection feel more authentic rather than forced.
If you're wondering how to be a better husband, the third way is through thoughtful gestures. Do something thoughtful for your wife at least once a day. Think about small acts of kindness you could do that she would appreciate. Maybe it's making her coffee in the morning or letting her sleep in a little longer while you make the kids breakfast. Daily be asking yourself "what is one small act of kindness I could do for her today that would make her life a little easier?" Try not to get into a rut where you do the same thing for her every day. Change it up and be creative. Also, each time you do something to make yourself more comfortable consider doing something similar to make her more comfortable. Most of us gravitate toward selfishness and think about what's best for us throughout the day. Instead, also consider what's best for your wife and serve her through thoughtful gestures.
Another essential element to becoming a better husband is being an active listener. An active listener is someone who fully focuses on their wife when they speak. This includes putting your phone down, looking at her, and providing your undivided attention. Doing so will make her feel like you care. Then, respond with empathy when she discusses challenging things in her life. Empathy expresses validation and support. Some of the best empathy statements to master include "makes sense you would feel ____ because of ____" or "I can see why you would feel ____ because of ____" or "that sucks" or "no wonder you feel that way" or "that sounds ___." Providing these types of empathy statements are most authentic when you know your wife well. To get to know her well, ask her what the most hurtful things were about her upbringing, what values she was raised with, what matters most to her in life, what her top stressors are, what her top marital needs are, and what her top dreams are for the future. Write down her answers to these questions and review them often because it will allow you to peer into her soul and understand how she sees the world. Then, with that information in the back of your mind, you will start to understand why certain things make her feel certain ways and that's when authentic empathy will flow. Also, never provide solutions or advice unless she asks for it so she doesn't feel like you're trying to fix her.
If you're wondering how to be a better husband, the fifth critical piece is learning how to be a good lover. First, it's vital to provide regular appreciation, affection, thoughtful gestures, and active listening so your wife is open to sexual contact. Asking for sex without those four elements being a regular part of your relationship will probably lead to her saying no. Most women need to feel emotionally connected and nurtured first before they are open to sexual intimacy. Second, when having sexual contact, remember to go slow. Most women need 15-30 minutes to reach orgasm because it takes them awhile to build arousal. Think of them as a crockpot, a slow cooker. Third, work your way from the outside in. For example, you could begin with a foot massage, then a hand massage, and then a shoulder massage. Use something smooth and clean like coconut oil when massaging. From there, you could start playing with her hair and giving light tickles to her shoulders, arms, back, and thighs. After providing massage and light tickles for around 10-15 minutes, gently start kissing her neck, shoulders, and mouth. Next, slowly move toward her breasts. Remember, outside in. Start by gently kissing and stroking the outside perimeter of her breasts then slowly work your way toward her nipples. The nipples are the most sensitive part, which is why you touch them last not first. After doing that for a few minutes slowly move to her vulva. Again, outside in is best because the clitoris is highly sensitive so touch it last not first. Start by gently stroking, kissing, and pinching the outer and inner lips of her vulva. Do this for several minutes. Then, slowly move to the clitoris and start experimenting with different types of touch, motion, and pressure. The touch can either be manual or oral. The motion can either be side to side or circular. The pressure can either be firm or light. She'll need to give you feedback during this time so you know what feels best to her, which may change as her arousal builds. Keep doing this activity until she climaxes. Then, if she's open to it, proceed to intercourse. For most women, pleasure decreases after intercourse begins because there's not enough clitoral stimulation, which is why you want to bring her to orgasm before intercourse to prioritize her experience first.
So, if you're wondering how to be a better husband, be sure to express appreciation, provide affection, do thoughtful gestures, be an active listener, and become a good lover.
Further Reading:
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What else would you recommend for those wondering how to be a better husband?
]]>What is a loveless marriage?
A loveless marriage is a relationship where one or both partners do not feel in love. Instead of being romantic lovers, they often feel more like roommates or siblings. Being in a loveless marriage often breeds isolation, resentment, and hopelessness.
However, despair not, the rest of the article will cover four ways to bring love back to your marriage!
1-Understanding the Love Bucket Model
All spouses have various needs in marriage, and we can either meet those needs or neglect them. I think of it as a love bucket. We all have a love bucket inside of us, and our spouse is like a faucet filling it up. When we are first dating, our partner excels at filling it up. Before long, our love bucket is full, and that makes us fall in love with them. However, through the years, whether intentionally or unintentionally, our spouse turns down the faucet and only drips water into our love bucket. Simultaneously, they begin doing behaviors we dislike, which creates a hole in the bottom of our bucket and water starts leaking out. With less water going in and more water going out, our bucket gets lower and lower until finally it’s dry, which makes us fall out of love with them. Therefore, one of the most important things I help partners discern in couples counseling is what the top things are that fill up their love bucket and the top things that drain it. If we can determine those items and implement it, love buckets can once again get filled, and couples can fall back in love and stay in love.
2-Fillers
The list of fillers below are common ones I’ve seen partners desire in marriage. Fillers are all the behaviors you desire to feel loved and satisfied. Fillers can be things your partner did in the beginning when you were dating, but they stopped through the years. They can be things they still do, and you want them to continue. Or they can be things they’ve never done, and you gave up on it. Bring that item back. The sky is the limit. What are the top three fillers you need to feel loved and satisfied in your marriage? What are the top three behaviors below that would make you feel like you're not in a loveless marriage?
Quality Time- This person feels loved and close when receiving your undivided attention.
Affection- This person feels loved and close from non-sexual touch.
Adoration- This person feels loved and close from appreciation and hearing why you love them.
Emotional Intimacy- This person feels loved and close from sharing and hearing inner thoughts and feelings.
Recreational- This person feels loved and close from physical activity together, such as hiking, biking, swimming, etc.
Sex- This person feels loved and close from sexual activity together.
Support My Interests- This person feels loved and close from questions about important things in their life.
Physical Attraction- This person feels loved and close when you optimize your appearance.
Thoughtful Gestures- This person feels loved and close when you provide acts of kindness.
Write down the top three fillers you desire from your spouse then give them a number on how well they’ve filled up your love bucket on each item over the past seven days, with zero being the worst and ten being the best. For example, if one of your fillers is affection and you feel your partner did okay on meeting that need over the past week, you’d give them a five. If they were amazing providing affection, you’d give them a ten. If they provided no affection, you’d give them a zero. Keep in mind you’re only evaluating what was within their control. For example, if your partner was in bed with a bad cold part of the week, they wouldn’t have been able to provide affection, and it was out of their control, so you wouldn’t dock points for that.
3-Drainers
Fillers fill up our love bucket, and drainers drain it. A drainer is anything your spouse does that makes you feel negative toward them. Drainers create a hole in the bottom of your love bucket, allowing water to leak out. Therefore, if your partner is doing an amazing job filling your love bucket but simultaneously doing a lot of drainers, water won’t stay in your bucket. The drainers will cancel out the fillers. Consequently, it’s not effective to just track fillers. We must track both fillers and drainers to successfully fill one another’s love bucket.
Here's a list of common drainers and their explanations.
Parenting- This person dislikes their partner’s parenting style.
Defensive- This person dislikes how their partner does not take ownership for their part in conflicts.
Finances- This person dislikes how their partner handles money.
Harsh Anger- This person dislikes how their partner gets harsh with their anger.
Passive- This person dislikes how their partner is passive in certain areas of life.
Controlling- This person dislikes how their partner doesn’t share power on decision-making.
Addictions- This person dislikes how their partner’s addiction interferes with their relationship.
Uneven Workload- This person dislikes how they work more overall than their partner.
Sloppy- This person dislikes how their partner leaves their belongings all over the house.
Write down the top three drainers your partner does that makes you feel negative toward them then give them a number on each one; however, the scoring is opposite. For the drainers, zero is the best and negative ten is the worst. Zero means your partner didn’t do the drainer behavior at all, so no water was drained out of your bucket. Negative ten means they did the drainer behavior a lot over the past seven days, so a lot of water was drained out of your bucket.
Download KTG to apply the Love Buckets to your marriage!
4- Love Bucket Goal
The goal on the love buckets is for you to eventually get eight to ten on each filler and zero to negative two on each drainer. When you do so consistently, you’ll become irresistible to your partner and your loveless marriage will turn into a loving one! Your current behaviors in your marriage are burned into your brain. Therefore, it will take time to develop new neuronal pathways, similar to a hiking trail. The dominant trail is well worn, and you follow it without thinking, which is your current marital behavior. However, creating a new trail takes time to wear down the grass before it become the new dominant path, which is your new marital behavior. Normally, when couples first create their list and receive numbers, they are doing drainer behaviors much more than filler behaviors. From my experience working with couples, if they are both putting forth sincere effort on filling up their partner’s love bucket, it typically takes six to twelve weeks before filler behaviors become frequent and drainer behaviors become infrequent.
Summary
Maximizing your partner’s fillers they desire while minimizing the drainers they dislike is the fastest way to have them fall back in love with you. It’s the path to filling up their love bucket and keeping it full. When both partners commit to doing this, it becomes the answer to reversing a loveless marriage.
Further Reading:
How long does it take to fall in love
Receive my FREE PDF on 4 Steps To Better Communication. Click here to get it!
What else would you recommend to reverse a loveless marriage?
]]>Receive my FREE PDF on 4 Steps To Better Communication. Click here to get it!
What is surviving infidelity?
Surviving infidelity is the process of healing emotionally, mentally, and sexually both individually and as a couple. Surviving doesn’t imply simply moving through an affair. Rather, it includes thoroughly addressing the profound impact of the affair on the relationship so the couple can experience true healing.
1-End all contact
The first step is often the most difficult. If the wayward partner wants to save their marriage, they must cease all contact with their lover. This includes no text messages, no social media follows, no phone calls, and no meetings. The new lover is a drug addiction. Therefore, any contact with them will keep the addiction alive. Ceasing all contact with them may require a change in jobs, gym membership, Churches, neighborhoods, and even states. They must do whatever it takes to never have contact with their lover again because the risk of an affair will always be there.
Join Our Affair Recovery Program Here!
2-Open all accounts
Next, the wayward partner must open all accounts and passwords with their betrayed partner to prove they have no more contact with their lover. How else is the betrayed partner going to trust the wayward partner is no longer in contact with their lover? Every new contact the wayward partner has with their lover re-traumatizes the betrayed partner. Also, opening all accounts and passwords won't work if the wayward partner does it begrudgingly and with anger. How dare you get angry about needing to open your accounts! Look at how much you have devastated your partner! You're completely untrustworthy right now! The wayward partner must open all accounts with a good attitude to show they're willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage.
3-Expose the affair
If the wayward partner refuses to end all contact with their lover or refuses to willingly open all accounts to prove they have no more contact, the next step is exposure. When someone is in an affair they are not thinking straight because they are under the drug addiction of the affair. An affair creates an artificial utopia where the relationship is insulated from everyday stress and problems. Therefore, one of the best ways to burst the affair bubble is to expose it by letting everyone know about it. Usually, the more the wayward partner gets contacted by people they care about regarding their infidelity the more likely they'll snap back to reality and realize how horrible they're behaving.
4-Get a separation
If exposure doesn't create enough social pressure for the wayward partner to end the affair the next step is separation. The separation should include zero contact between the betrayed and wayward partner. If kids are involved then perhaps a friend or family member can be in charge of carpooling them back and forth for visitation. A separation is recommended for two reasons. First, it provides protection to the betrayed partner from the continual emotional abuse of the active affair. Second, it provides the wayward partner an opportunity to experience life without their spouse to determine if that's really what they want. If after 3-6 months the wayward partner still won't end the affair, divorce them!
The recommendations of exposing the infidelity and getting a separation if the wayward partner won't end the affair gives power and control back to the betrayed partner. Regaining a sense of control is vital to emotional healing. The worst thing a betrayed partner can do is tolerate ongoing contact with the lover on any level because it will continually retraumatize them and enable their wayward partner.
5-Genuine repentance
If the wayward partner ends all contact with their lover and willingly opens all accounts, the next step is sincere repentance for their betrayal. While the wayward partner may have been unhappy in the marriage prior to the infidelity, it was still their choice to have an affair. The repentance must center around their choice to violate their marital vows and betray their partner, regardless of how unhappy they may have been. Sincere remorse is vital for the betrayed partner to begin the healing process. Without true remorse the marriage will not be able to recover.
6-Managing triggers
Triggers are a huge part of surviving infidelity. The betrayed partner can be watching a movie with an affair scene and get triggered. They can be listening to a song about cheating and get triggered. They can see the outfit they wore the day they discovered the affair and get triggered. Getting triggered is part of the symptoms of PTSD and are frequent following an affair. How the triggers are handled is paramount. For many couples, the triggers are handled poorly and drive the couple further apart. Usually, when triggered the betrayed partner explodes with anger and the wayward partner explodes with defensiveness in return. However, if handled well, triggers can become micro healing opportunities for the relationship.
The first step to managing triggers well is the betrayed partner must discern which triggers to share and which ones to work through on their own. Some triggers may be mild and don't need to be shared while others may be significant and need to be discussed. The second step is the betrayed partner needs to de-flood after getting triggered before discussing it. De-flooding includes doing whatever lowers their heart rate and gets them out of fight or flight, such as taking a bath, exercising, taking a nap, listening to music, reading a book, talking to a friend, etc. Third, bring up the trigger to the wayward partner calmly without attacking, such as "today I was listening to the radio and the song Lyin Eyes came on and it brought back all the pain and betrayal of the affair." Fourth, the wayward partner must respond with empathy and support, such as "that must have felt horrible for you, I'm so sorry for betraying you and devastating you like I did." If triggers are handled sensitively like this they will decrease with time. If they are handled poorly, they will increase with time.
7-Lessons learned
The seventh step to surviving infidelity is understanding what caused it in the first place. The decision to have an affair is 100% the wayward partner's fault; however, the climate in the marriage that increased their susceptibility is usually both partner's fault. So, unpacking this information is vital. Did the wayward partner not feel emotionally or sexually fulfilled? Did they feel neglected? Did they feel continually criticized? What was it that increased their susceptibility? Understanding this and making necessary changes is vital to decrease affair risk moving forward.
Join Our Affair Recovery Program Here!
A key to surviving infidelity is gaining confidence there will be no more future affairs. Everyone is susceptible to having an affair if put in the right situation. Acknowledging this dangerous potential will help you develop appropriate boundaries. The list below highlights eight things that may heighten susceptibility to developing an affair. As you read through the list consider what changes you and your partner need to make.
1-Traumatic event
The first risk factor is going through a traumatic event, such as the loss of a loved one, career, home, etc. When people go through traumatic events, their whole world gets disoriented. Their value system often gets turned upside down. All their hopes in life get crushed and they go through a period where nothing seems to matter.
2-Not forthcoming
A second risk factor is someone who tends to not share everything they're thinking and feeling. If you tend to withhold information from your partner in general, when something crooked creeps in, like an affair or attraction to someone else, you're more likely not to share that also.
3-Need for adoration
A third risk factor is someone who needs adoration. This is the person who wants to feel like they're special, cherished, and the center of someone's world. When someone has this need, it puts them at higher risk for an affair because an affair is the ultimate sensation of feeling worshipped and adored.
4-Life stress
A fourth risk factor is stress. When you're under too much stress you become fatigued. When you become fatigued your will power to resist inappropriate impulses with others goes down. So, the more depleted you are, the more likely you'll act on sexual or emotional impulses and cross boundaries. Also, the more stressed you are the more you'll look for escape and affairs are often a powerful one.
5-Unmet needs
A fifth risk factor is if you have unmet needs in your marriage. Unmet needs can range from a desire for emotional intimacy, affection, sex, etc. When your needs go unmet in marriage you can feel like you're starving. The longer you feel like you're starving the higher your risk becomes for looking elsewhere to get fed.
6-Traveling alone
The more you travel alone, the more at risk you are for having an affair. When you travel alone you're anonymous and no one knows what you do. The more anonymous you feel, the more likely you'll do things you never would dream of doing otherwise. Lack of accountability often increases wayward behavior.
7-Drinking excessively
Number seven is alcohol. When you drink you're more likely to act out in all sorts of ways, including sexually. People tend to do and say things while intoxicated they never would do while sober. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions; therefore, it can lower your inhibitions toward having an affair too.
8-Emotional disclosure
The eighth risk factor is sharing emotional distress with someone of the opposite gender other than your spouse. When you share emotional distress with someone you build intimacy and walls come down. Therefore, the more sharing occurs the more likely you'll start developing feelings for the person.
In summary, part of surviving infidelity is building confidence that future affairs won't occur. The top eight things that may increase affair risk to watch out for include going through a traumatic event, not being forthcoming, having a need for adoration, life stress, unmet needs, travelling alone, drinking excessively, and emotional disclosure.
For further reading check out the articles below.
Article on is my marriage over
Article on should I get a divorce
Article on how to save your marriage
Article on how to fix a broken relationship
Receive my FREE PDF on 4 Steps To Better Communication. Click here to get it!
Leave a comment below on what else you would recommend for surviving infidelity.
The first step if you're wondering how to save your marriage is go back to the moment when your feelings first got hurt. What happened? Maybe it was a week ago? Maybe it was five years ago? Maybe it was 30 years ago? You have to go back to the original experience or moment when the pattern began. What went down? An example from my life was after my wife and I got married in 1999. My wife started avoiding all sexual contact because her repressed sexual trauma from her upbringing started surfacing, which made her realize how much she hated sex and me for wanting it. Whenever we tried having sex she would get triggered and angrily reject me because my sexual desire reminded her of her trauma and perpetrators growing up. Her rejection during my most vulnerable moments triggered wounds of rejection from my past, making me respond with anger in response. My anger made me seem even more unsafe to her sexually so she would avoid intimacy further. It was a nasty vicious cycle that left a deep trail of resentment for both of us.
What was the starting point of your resentment?
The second step if you're wondering how to save your marriage is search for the innocence in your partner's hurtful behavior and take ownership for your part. In my example above, I had to reflect on why my wife's sexual trauma surfaced right after we got married. It took me awhile to realize trauma tends to surface when someone feels secure. So, my wife wasn't sexually rejecting me to be malicious, quite the opposite. She was expressing her trauma because my marital commitment made her feel secure enough to do so. Realizing this was an important step for me to see the innocence in her hurtful behavior. It didn't mean she was entirely innocent because she could have worked harder at healing her trauma. However, it did show me she wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me.
The second thing I eventually realized is when someone has a trauma trigger they need to be comforted and reassured. They need to see they're safe and that the "lion isn't chasing them." Trauma triggers move the person into fight or flight in their sympathetic nervous system. Therefore, they need to complete the trauma cycle by recognizing they're not in danger and everything is okay, which moves them out of fight or flight and into their parasympathetic nervous system. If someone receives comfort and reassurance in response to their trauma triggers enough times, they can be healed within the context of their relationship. However, instead of providing my wife comfort, I provided anger in response to her sexual rejection. Therefore, without realizing it, I was making her trauma worse! My anger exacerbated her trauma.
I used to blame my wife for all of our sexual problems and had tremendous resentment around it. However, when I finally realized her sexual rejection wasn't malicious and my reactions worsened her trauma, my heart flooded with compassion. I still remember the conversation as tears were running down our faces as we both acknowledged our parts of the vicious cycle that had wrecked our relationship. It was one of the most healing moments of our marriage.
What about you?
What was the innocence in your partner's hurtful behavior?
How did you possibly contribute to their hurtful behavior? What was your part?
The third step if you're wondering how to save your marriage is apologize for your part. The piece that was your fault. The way that you made things worse. I had to apologize for responding with anger toward my wife's sexual trauma triggers. I had provided the opposite of the comfort she needed. When I sincerely apologized for doing so and empathized with how it must have made her feel, the chains broke loose. The wall between us started coming down.
Resentment can't be healed without heartfelt ownership, empathy, and apology.
What are the areas of resentment in your relationship? You're not going to win the argument of who was right or wrong. You need to talk about how the resentful topic made you both feel. What were both of your core needs? What emotional wounds from your past were getting triggered? What was the innocence in your partner's hurtful behavior? How were you making things worse? As you heal the resentments in your marriage, love will slowly start coming back!
For more help, check out the related articles below.
How to fix a broken relationship
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What other ideas would you suggest on how to save your marriage?
]]>The first thing to do if you're wondering how to fall back in love is work through your resentments. You can't skip over resentments and expect to have a good relationship. View resentments as clogs in your pipe. If you're trying to fill up your partner's love bucket there won't be enough water pressure because there's a clog in your pipe. The clog is called resentment. Resentment can be about things your partner has done or things they haven't done but you always wanted them to. Resentment can be from last week or from 20 years ago. I had a couple call me recently for help with resentment on an issue that happened almost 45 years ago. The issue was still crippling their relationship because it was never properly dealt with. So, resentments have to be the first focus to improve your relationship. What are all the areas of resentment you have toward your partner? Write them down. Next, use my reunite tool for conflict resolution in marriage to work through each one. The reunite tool provides a constructive method for working through past resentments and future complaints. If you're unable to use the reunite tool without escalating, contact a local marriage counselor to have them help you use it. Think of marriage as a plant. Before you can grow a plant you have to first dig out the rocks in the soil. Resentments are rocks in your marital soil. If you plant seeds in poor soil the plant won't grow. You have to first remove the rocks and then plant the seeds.
After the resentments have been thoroughly worked through, it's time to start building your friendship. It's hard to become friends with someone you resent, which is why resolving resentments always comes first. To build back your friendship, you must increase your quality time together. Check out my article here on marriage and dating. I recommend striving toward two mini dates per week for up to two hours each time. If that sounds like a lot of time check your phone to see what your average daily screen time is. You probably spend that amount of time or more surfing the internet every day. Instead, give that time to your marriage! During your mini dates do something fun together, such as a board game, a hike, a bike ride, an online class together on cooking, dancing, learning a foreign language, taking a virtual tour of a city, etc. Next, be sure to provide a lot of affection to one another during your mini dates. Also, ask your partner what type of affection they enjoy most instead of assuming you know. Next, cultivate emotional intimacy during your mini dates by using the head/heart check where you ask your partner "what's been on your head and heart?" The head is everything you did during the day and the heart is everything you felt during the day and why. So were you feeling mad, sad, glad or fear and why? If you're unsure about your feelings, spend a few moments reflecting on them before your head/heart check so you have something to share. Emotional intimacy is cultivated not only by hearing about your partner's inner world but also from sharing your own. During the head/heart check don't give any advice unless your partner asks and instead respond with empathy, such as "that sounds horrible" or "wow, no wonder you feel that way." Also, don't bring up any negative comments about your partner during the head/heart check. Only bring up negative topics about your partner using the reunite tool mentioned previously. Building your friendship won't happen by accident. You have to be intentional about it with your four mini-dates.
The third thing to do if you're wondering how to fall back in love is add sensual activity to your mini dates. It's hard to have sensual activity with someone you're not friends with first. Sensual activity can be a variety of things, such as cuddling together, taking a shower or bath together, or a sensual massage. Sensual activity is a vital ingredient to feel bonded with your partner and is often missing in marriages. There are a few tips to make your sensual activity successful. For a bath, shower, or sensual massage, take turns being the receiver and giver of a gentle wash or massage non-sexually. Some of us get so focused on giving we forget to receive and others of us get so focused on receiving we forget to give. Also, maximize your five senses during the activity by optimizing what you're seeing (level of light), what you're hearing (type of music), what you're tasting (such as dark chocolate), what you're touching (such as light tickles, gentle massage, or kisses) and what you're smelling (aroma from a candle). Maximizing your five senses during sensual activity heightens pleasure for both partners and creates a soothing oasis together.
Sex is usually the first thing to enter a relationship when things are going well and the first thing to leave a relationship when things aren't going well. Therefore, adding sexual contact comes last because it often doesn't feel appropriate, especially to low libido partners, until after you've resolved your resentments, built your friendship, and are having regular sensual activity together. So, after sensual activity when both of you are aroused or open to getting aroused you can move into sexual contact. However, remember to approach sexual contact as a buffet where you have several things to choose from. Some nights you may only make out and enjoy one another above the waist. Other nights you may only do everything below the waist manually or orally. Still other nights you may do everything plus intercourse. The goal is to bring back voice and choice to the lower libido partner so it doesn't feel like intercourse or nothing. When that's the case, many lower libido partners will choose nothing. This way, the low libido partner is providing full consent and presence and the high libido partner is receiving more frequent sexual contact.
In summary, there are four steps to take if you're wondering how to fall back in love. Number one, you have to work through your resentments using the reunite tool. Number two is you have to build back your friendship by setting up two mini dates per week. Number three is adding sensual activity to your mini dates. And number four is adding sexual contact to sensual activity with voice and choice being central.
Check out the articles below to learn more.
Learn the top reasons couples fall out of love
Learn the top ways to reverse a loveless marriage
Learn how long it takes to fall in love and back in love
Learn how to get more quality time love language
Receive my FREE PDF on 4 Steps To Better Communication. Click here to get it!
What else would you recommend for those wondering how to fall back in love?
How to reverse a loveless marriage
How long does it take to fall in love
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How long does it take to fall in love?
It usually takes anywhere from a few weeks to a few months for a couple to first fall in love. The speed of falling in love can be influenced by how much quality time the couple has together, how positive their interactions are, and how emotionally available they both are.
Falling in love for the first time can happen quickly. After all, in the early stages of a relationship both partners are putting their best foot forward and doing everything they can to make their partner happy. The relationship is brand new so there's no resentment to work through. They are saying the right things and doing the right things and everything is wonderful. In addition, couples in the early stages are often shielded from outside stress from kids, careers, and finances because they haven't fully merged their lives yet. Therefore, the relationship is receiving continual benefits without any of the strain. Consequently, some couples report falling in love in as short as a few weeks up to a few months. However, here are a few factors to consider when you think you're falling in love.
First, have you given it enough time? It's problematic to take too little or too much time to give your heart to someone. It's problematic if it's too little time because you may not know enough about the person yet or have enough history together to discern if it's wise to develop feelings for them. It's problematic if it's too much time because you may be trying to protect yourself from being hurt so you wall off and make it almost impossible for anyone to get close to you.
Second, have you gotten to know their family and friends? Don't let yourself fully develop feelings for someone until you've spent time with their family and friends. The quality of the relationships the person has or doesn't have will tell you a lot about them and how they may relate to you. For example, if they have a history of long-term, securely attached relationships then they'll probably develop the same type of connection with you. However, if they have a history of broken relationships and insecure attachments they'll probably have a turbulent connection with you too.
Third, have your family and friends had a chance to check them out? Often, in the early stages of a relationship you have love blinders on so you may ignore or miss potential red flags in your new partner. Therefore, getting feedback from close family and friends on how they feel toward them is essential. Obviously, this will take time and it's critical to not let yourself fully fall in love until your family and friends have provided their stamp of approval.
Fourth, are they worthy of your trust? For example, do they keep their word? Do they handle conflicts with you and others constructively? Do they intentionally care about your thoughts and feelings rather than just wanting to share their own? Do they regularly take ownership for their part to problems and display empathy for their impact on others? Do they value sharing power so you each have an equal voice in your relationship? Are they self-sufficient financially without being dependent on others? These are the types of things to look for to discern if they are worthy of your trust.
It's wise to guard your heart until these four areas are addressed to ensure it's safe to develop feelings for them.
Couples in long-term relationships often fall out of love for a variety of reasons. However, fires can be rebuilt and will depend on the following items.
First, what season your marriage is in will impact how long does it take to fall in love the second time. Marriages go through seasons just like our weather. The first season is summer where everything is hot. As mentioned previously, when you start dating someone and everything is new and electric, you can fall in love very quickly. After summer comes fall. Fall is usually after a couple has been together for at least a year and a half and the newness has faded. This is where you're still in love, but not as much. Perhaps some resentment has crept in, you start having conflicts, and your needs aren't being met as well. If you don't handle fall well, you'll slip right into winter. Just like our weather, winter is when things get icy. Your needs aren't met, there's lots of conflict, and lots of resentment. This is often where relationships break unless the couple reaches out for help. For couples who receive help and work hard at recovering their relationship, they can go into spring. Spring is when the birds start to chirp and the warmth comes back. This is where your needs start to be met, your resentments get healed, and your conflicts decrease. This is when couples start to fall back in love.
Second, resentments will impact how long does it take to fall in love the second time. Unresolved resentments will not allow you to fall back in love. It's incompatible. You cannot fall in love with someone you resent. The first step with couples I see in my practice is we tackle resentments because things are not going to get better until those are addressed. To address resentment in marriage you want to use my reunite tool for conflict resolution. So, how many resentments you have and how effectively you deal with them will influence how long it takes to rekindle the flame.
Third, your motivation will influence how long does it take to fall in love the second time. How much do you want things to get better? How much are you willing to do whatever it takes to improve your marriage? How much are you looking at your part and taking ownership for your piece? How much are you investing in your relationship? This all comes from motivation. If you're not very motivated to improve your marriage it's going to take much longer to rekindle the flame. In contrast, if you're highly motivated because you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you're going to fall back in love much faster.
Fourth, your level of support will influence how long does it take to fall in love the second time. As mentioned previously, if you're in winter you need extra support. You can't be a marriage expert to your own marriage. I've tried this and it doesn't work. My own marriage has been in winter before and I thought I could be our marriage counselor because that's what I do. However, I eventually realized I can't be our marriage counselor because I'm not objective. If you're in winter, you need extra support.
Fifth, how much you follow the love bucket method will impact how long does it take to fall in love the second time. Your partner has a love bucket inside of them and you are the faucet. In the beginning, you continually poured water into their bucket by saying and doing all the right things. Eventually, their bucket got full and that made them fall in love with you. However, over time most partners stop filling their partner's love bucket and instead start draining it by doing and saying things their partner doesn't like. To rekindle the relationship, you have to start filling up your partner's love bucket again, which begins with regularly providing the top three things they need to feel loved and satisfied. Next, you have to stop draining their love bucket by reducing and eliminating your top three behaviors they dislike. If you do this long enough, you'll become irresistible to them.
In sum, how long does it take to fall in love the first time should be moderated by if you've given the relationship enough time, if you've observed their family and friends, if your family and friends have observed them, and if they prove trustworthy. How long does it take to fall in love the second time will be influenced by your season of marriage, your level of resentment, your motivation, how much support you receive, and how much you are following the love bucket method.
See below for further reading.
5 reasons couples fall out of love
4 steps to reverse a loveless marriage
4 steps for more quality time love language
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What else might influence how long does it take to fall in love the first or second time?
]]>What is mutual masturbation?
Mutual masturbation refers to partners being in the same space while pleasuring themselves. It only includes pleasuring yourself, not pleasuring your partner, and it's done next to your partner while they are also pleasuring themselves. It's a bonding activity rarely done in relationships.
1-Builds safety
Building sexual safety is a big topic for couples for a variety of factors. One reason is when a partner has a history of sexual trauma and direct sexual contact feels too threatening. Therefore, mutual masturbation may be a stepping stone to experience sexual activity together with the safety of only touching yourself. Another reason it may build safety is when a partner struggles with performance anxiety. Pleasuring themselves next to their partner can be a way for them to become more comfortable with sexual activity without feeling like they need to perform.
2-Adds variety
Another advantage to mutual masturbation is it builds variety into your sexual repertoire. It's easy for things to become predictable and boring in the bedroom and for heterosexual couples to become too penetration focused rather than clitoral focused. Therefore, mutual masturbation can be a nice addition to the variety of things to choose from for sexual activity.
3-Shared experience
Another reason to try mutual masturbation is it creates a shared experience. Both of you pleasuring yourself and reaching climax at roughly the same time can be extremely bonding. The more couples do any type of shared activity together the more bonded they tend to feel, especially if it's sexual activity.
4-Increased vulnerability
A fourth reason to try mutual masturbation is it increases the level of vulnerability in your relationship. Pleasuring yourself is a highly personal activity that usually no one else has ever witnessed. Therefore, allowing your partner to witness it and all of your breathing, movements, and sounds that come with it can be quite vulnerable and subsequently bonding.
5-Teaches you how to touch your partner
The final benefit to mutual masturbation is it shows you how your partner likes to be touched. It allows you to study them to see how they touch their body, what type of motion they use, how much pressure they apply, etc. This is vital information to learn so you can implement it the next time you touch their body.
Many couples wonder if solo masturbation is OK within marriage. Some couples are open to it and some are completely against it. My perspective is masturbation should be allowed in marriage as long as it's supplemental and not instrumental. Let's imagine your partner just had a baby and is unable to have sex for awhile. Masturbation can be supplemental here. Let's imagine your partner is really sick and is unable to be sexually active. Masturbation can be supplemental here. Let's imagine you're the high libido partner and you want sexual contact more often than your partner. Masturbation can be supplemental here. So, there's a time and place where masturbation should be allowed because it's supplemental. However, there's also some cautions to consider.
First, don't replace sexual activity with your partner with masturbation because then it becomes instrumental instead of supplemental. This can happen if you start feeling like sex with your partner is too difficult or complicated so instead of working through those issues you take a short cut and masturbate. Now you're replacing sexual activity with your partner with masturbation and that's a problem because part of having a healthy marriage is having regular sexual contact. Also, when you avoid sex with your partner and masturbate instead, it doesn't consider your partner's sexual needs.
Second, don't replace your partner emotionally with masturbation. High libido partners sometimes fall into the pattern of turning to masturbation to cope with all sorts of emotions. They're stressed, they masturbate. They're depressed, they masturbate. They're anxious, they masturbate. They turn to masturbation as a way to express or relieve their emotions. This is a problem because a healthy marriage includes emotional intimacy where both partners are turning toward one another for comfort and connection. Therefore, if you are turning to masturbation instead then it deprives your marriage of emotional intimacy. Remember, emotional intimacy is cultivated not just by listening to your partner's highs and lows but also sharing yours.
Third, don't fantasize about anyone beyond your partner while masturbating. It's human nature to find other people sexually attractive, whether it's the good looking clerk at the grocery store, the attractive person standing in line at the post office, or the handsome individual sitting in front of you during yoga class. It's OK to find other people attractive. It's involuntary. Finding other people attractive doesn't turn off just because you get married. However, you want to avoid thinking about other attractive people beyond your partner while masturbating. Therefore, while masturbating intentionally focus on your partner and if another person pops into your mind redirect your thoughts back to your partner. This is mental fidelity, which is honoring toward your partner and it ensures you're not fostering feelings toward someone else.
Fourth, don't overdo masturbation. For high libido partners, if you're not careful sex can dominate and become the main thing you think about in the morning, afternoon, and night. Further, libido builds upon libido so the more you masturbate the more you'll want to masturbate. Therefore, be careful masturbation doesn't become a compulsion, where your libido starts to control you rather than you controlling it. A good rule of thumb is don't masturbate more than once every other day. Once every other day tends to be frequent enough to enjoy the supplemental benefits of it without it becoming instrumental.
Fifth, don't hide your masturbation. Talk about it with your partner. What are their thoughts on it? What do they think about keeping it supplemental instead of instrumental? Also, share with them when you masturbate and discuss if it reflects anything in your marriage that needs to be addressed. For example, did you masturbate because you were feeling sexually frustrated with your partner or did you masturbate to cope with your feelings because you don't feel like your partner is emotionally supportive? Talk about the reasons so you can leverage the information to make needed adjustments to your relationship.
In sum, the top things to consider with masturbation is don't use it to replace sexual activity with your partner, don't use it to replace emotional intimacy with your partner, don't fantasize about anyone other than your partner during it, don't overdo it, and don't hide it. Next, remember mutual masturbation can be helpful by building safety, adding variety, creating shared experiences, increasing vulnerability, and teaching you how to touch your partner.
Check out the articles below for further reading.
How to improve sex for your wife
Why you should vary up your sexual positions
How to avoid a sexless marriage
How to provide the best sexy massages
Receive my FREE PDF on 4 Steps To Better Communication. Click here to get it!
Leave a comment below on other benefits to mutual masturbation.
]]>1-Optimize Pleasure
Sexual pleasure is a major reason for intercourse. However, arousal for most females goes down once intercourse begins because there's not enough clitoral stimulation. When a woman's sexual pleasure goes down she starts to feel trapped. "Do I let my partner know this doesn't feel good and risk disappointing them?" or "Do I fake it and pretend I really enjoy this even though I don't?" Both are horrible options. The moment pleasure starts to decrease during intercourse the experience starts to deteriorate. Moreover, what feels amazing to one partner may not feel good at all to the other partner. This is the ultimate opportunity to practice being one eye in one eye out by continually focusing on what feels good for you and what feels good for your partner, not one or the other. Therefore, it's vital you talk to your partner during intercourse on how the position feels. Experiment with multiple positions until you find some that feel best for both of you. Not surprisingly, women tend to prefer positions that optimize clitoral stimulation and men tend to prefer positions that feel erotic. Finding win/win sex positions won't happen naturally. It will only come through experimentation and open dialogue along the way.
2-Maintain Interests
Another reason to vary up sex positions is to maintain your interest in sex. For many couples sex becomes extremely predictable and anything that becomes predictable becomes boring. Think vanilla ice cream. When sex becomes predictable we tend to lose interest. I've heard many partners say they lost interest in sex because it became too predictable. They felt bored and trapped because their partner was reluctant to try other positions. We have been given five senses to experience the world and our partner. When we experience something novel, our senses are heightened and our arousal increases. However, the opposite is also true. When sex becomes predictable, our senses are dulled and arousal decreases. Therefore, varying up your sex positions will keep things fresh. Also, experiment with heightening your five senses during sex. For example, think about how to vary up the level of lighting, what you listen to, what you're tasting, what you're feeling kinesthetically, and what you're smelling. Changing up your sensory experiences will heighten your overall pleasure and interest in sex.
3-New Adventures
A third reason to try different sex positions is it's healthy to have new experiences together as a couple. When couples experience new things together, no matter what it is, they often feel closer and more bonded. These new experiences can come from traveling to new countries, eating at new restaurants, or trying new sex positions. The key word here is new. Experiencing something new with your partner both in and outside the bedroom is a wonderful way to stay in love. In addition, trying new sex positions creates a sense of adventure. We are wired for adventure but often our modern day office job existence deprives us of it. Adventure brings with it adrenaline and risk, which can be extremely fun and memorable. Trying a variety of sex positions can infuse exciting feelings of adventure into your relationship without ever leaving your home!
In sum, varying things up in the bedroom will greatly benefit your relationship by optimizing pleasure, maintaining interests, and adding adventure.
Check out the articles below for more helpful information.
Learn why you should try mutual masturbation
Learn how to improve married sex
Learn how to avoid falling into a sexless marriage
Learn the top tips for amazing sexy massages
Learn four reasons to try sexy games
Receive my FREE PDF on 4 Steps To Better Communication. Click here to get it!
Leave a comment below on other reasons to vary up your sex positions.
]]>If you don’t handle difficult in laws well, they can quickly damage your marriage. So, here’s four steps to prevent that from happening.
1-Become A Unified Front
When you get married, your top priority becomes your spouse, not your parents. Therefore, you need to build a unified front against your in laws. So, if your parent insults your spouse, consider it an insult to you as well because they just hurt your partner. So, an offense to your spouse becomes an offense to both of you.
2-Empathize with Your Partner
If your spouse gets their feelings hurt because of your parent, empathize with their feelings rather than defend your parent. An effective empathy comment is “I can see how you would feel ____ because of ____.” So many people fall into the trap of defending their parent by saying “they didn't mean it like that,” or “that's just how they are, don’t take it so personal.” Those types of comments invalidate your partner’s feelings. While there may be a time and place to process through the actual intentions of your parent’s behavior, always error on the side of empathizing with your partner’s feelings rather than defending your parent’s actions.
3-Address Your Parent
If you have a difficult parent and they've mistreated your partner or disrespected your boundaries, you should be the one to address them, not your partner. It is not fair to put that type of burden onto your spouse. It's your parent so you need to be the one that speaks up and defends your partner. You need to be the one that goes to your parent and says, “hey, this was said, and it hurt my partner’s feelings.” A caring and humble parent would say, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come across that way, I’ll apologize to them.” Unfortunately, difficult in laws usually aren’t caring or humble so be prepared for a response like this, “I can’t believe that hurt their feelings, I did nothing wrong, I told you you shouldn’t have married them.” Even if your parent responds poorly, you did the right thing by standing up for your partner and that will benefit your marriage.
4-Set Boundaries
If your parents continues to disrespect your partner or your boundaries and they’ve scoffed at your conversations about it, it may be time for a break from the relationship. You can simply say, “I feel like my concerns about the disrespect towards my partner or towards my boundaries is being ignored so I need to take a break from our relationship until these patterns can be resolved.” Don’t visit your parents by yourself to keep your connection with them going. That will only enable their behavior and send the message that you’re more aligned with them than you are with your partner. If you don’t push pause on the relationship with your parents because of their misbehavior, they will probably continue to disrespect your partner and your boundaries for decades. They need a natural consequence for their actions to send the message loud and clear that their disrespectful behavior won’t be tolerated.
So, there you go, four ways to ensure difficult in laws don’t ruin your marriage. First, become a unified front by viewing an offense towards your partner as an offense towards you. You and your partner must be a team and operate as such. Second, empathize with your partner’s feelings rather than defend your parents. When your parents upset your partner, you will make it worse by trying to defend them. Third, talk to your parents about their disrespectful behavior. It needs to be brought to their attention and the biological child should be the one to do it. And fourth, set boundaries by pushing pause on the relationship with your parents until the disrespectful patterns are resolved. Otherwise, their misbehavior could continue for decades. Learning to get along with in laws can be a big challenge for couples, especially when you have difficult ones. However, following these steps will create guidance on how to navigate the murky waters to keep your marriage protected first and foremost.
Further Reading:
Receive my FREE PDF on 4 Steps To Better Communication. Click here to get it!
Leave a comment below on what else could help with difficult in laws.
1-Wait
When we're in a marriage slump, a lot of times we're flooded, our heart rate is elevated, we're in fight or flight, and we’re probably panicking because we feel hopeless. You don't want to make any decisions about your relationship when you're in that state. You want to wait at least a month before making any major decisions on if you really should give up on your relationship. When we’re flooded, we’re in a fog and can’t think straight. So, the first thing to consider when you want to give up is wait because you may wake up the next day and feel something different. So, wait.
2-Friends
The second thing is talk with trusted friends about what you're feeling in your marriage, especially friends who are pro marriage, and get their feedback. A lot of times we have tunnel vision and we lose objectivity because we're in the chaos ourselves. So, we all need one or two close pro-marriage friends that we can talk to and say, “What do you think is going on? Do you think I should get a divorce?” When I went through slumps in my marriage, I had two close male friends that I was able to reach out to and say, “Hey, this is what's going on. Is my marriage over?” Each time they said, “that sounds really hard what you're going through, and I think you guys need to make some changes, but don't give up.” Those words helped me not give up. So, don't rely on your own decision making because you have a biased view, you’re exhausted, you’re fatigued, and you’re not thinking clearly. You need objective outsiders to help you see straight. So, reach out for support from close friends who are pro marriage.
3-Zoom Out
The third thing to consider is zoom out for progress. Sometimes we get so hyper focused on the negatives with our partner, we forget to zoom out for the overall progress. Zoom out and consider the past few months to few years and think about where there has been progress. Perhaps your partner has actually improved but you’ve lost perspective because of a recent setback in the relationship.
4-Therapist or Coach
The fourth thing to consider is see a professional. If you want to give up on your marriage, see a therapist or relationship coach. When my wife and I were going through hard times in our relationship, it was hard for me to see a marriage counselor because I am one! I had to swallow my pride and realize I cannot be a marriage therapist for my own marriage because I'm not objective and my wife doesn’t see me as a therapist, she seems me as her partner who has strengths and weaknesses. So, we finally saw a marriage therapist and went through several until we found one we really liked and then we saw them for a while to work through several impasses in our relationship. So, seek out a marriage therapist wherever you live and be prepared to see several because each one will have their own style, strengths, and insights. Also, be prepared to work with one for several months to several years because it takes substantial time to untie all the knots that have probably accumulated in your relationship. You see a dentist for your teeth, a mechanic for your car, and a plumber for your toilet so see a marriage therapist for your marriage.
5-Attitude
The fifth thing to consider when you're wondering if your marriage is over is your partner’s attitude. If your partner has hurt your feelings or not met your needs, how do they respond? Are they defensive and hostile and refuse to see a therapist? If they are then you probably need a separation because they aren’t teachable. However, if they are willing to take ownership for their part and willing to see a marriage therapist, then they are teachable and there’s hope. You should not leave your partner if they are teachable and willing to work on themselves and the marriage. Now, just because they’re teachable doesn’t mean they are going to be perfect at executing the changes you desire because perhaps the changes rub up against their earlier attachment wounds or childhood abuse. So, they may not be the best at executing the changes you desire because that may take a while. But if their heart is in the right place, if they're willing to change, if they're willing to look at their part, if they're willing to see a therapist, then give them another chance.
So, if you're in a marriage slump or if you get into one in the future and you want to give up, remember these five things. First, wait, because you're probably in fight or flight. Second, talk with trusted friends who are pro marriage to get their perspective. Third, zoom out to look for progress over the past few months to years. Fourth, see a therapist for an extended period of time. And fifth, check for your partner's attitude. If they're open and teachable, hang in there and keep working on your marriage.
Further Reading:
How to fix a broken relationship
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Leave a comment below on what else people should consider when wondering "is my marriage over?"
]]>What should I do if I hate my husband?
Begin by discussing how important emotional connection is for you. Next, explore resentments either of you may have toward one another because they need to be thoroughly addressed. Then, discuss how you could begin building emotional connection to feel closer moving forward.
1-Develop A Head/Heart Check Routine
If you are feeling like you hate your husband from a lack of emotional intimacy, start having a daily Head/Heart Check. First, both of you spend a few moments gathering your thoughts on what you felt from the day and why. The top four feelings are mad, sad, glad, or fear. Next, take turns asking your partner, "What's been on your head and heart today?" Try sharing your feelings like a paper with the title at the top and the words underneath. For example, today I felt a lot of anxiety and the reasons are x, y, and z. Sharing your feelings this way will make it easier for your partner to follow. Getting in touch with your feelings is a muscle. The more you intentionally practice it, the stronger you’ll be at it. It’s important to identify your feelings from the day because emotional intimacy is not just listening to your partner’s feelings but sharing yours too. See the sample below.
2-Don’t Criticize Your Partner
To keep the Head/Heart Check constructive, it’s important to not share any negative feelings towards your partner, use proper conflict resolution in marriage methods for that like the Reunite Tool. Therefore, you’ll be discussing negative feelings you have outside of your marriage. This could include negative feelings you may have towards your family, friends, and coworkers or it could be more topical such as negative feelings about your career, finances, or health. If you share negative feelings towards your partner during the Head/Heart Check, they will start to avoid it because it will turn into daily time to get criticized.
3-Don’t Give Advice
An important rule to follow during the Head/Heart Check is don’t offer any advice unless asked. Offering unsolicited advice is a big no, no yet we do it all the time. Our partner will vent about something distressing to them and we immediately start fixing by offering solutions. That's not what they want. If they wanted solutions, they would ask for them. When your partner vents, they want your emotional support to feel closer to you. If you provide solutions it will make them feel more antagonistic and distant with you.
4-Give Empathy Every Time
Empathy is the best way to respond to your partner venting during the Head/Heart Check. Empathy is not if you agree with what your partner is feeling. If it were you would rarely be able to provide it because you are a different person from your partner and probably wouldn’t feel similarly. Instead, empathy is when you put yourself in your spouse's shoes and try to see the situation from their vantage point. That can only happen if you’re mindful of all the variables that make your partner who they are. The top variables include their childhood emotional wounds, their childhood values, their adulthood insecurities, their adulthood values, their top stressors, their top marital needs, and their temperament. If you don’t know the answers to these topics about your partner, set aside time to ask them about each category. Write down their responses. Then meditate on their responses regularly, especially before your Head/Heart Check. Doing so will help you understand what makes your partner tick, which will help you see why they are feeling certain things in life. For example, my wife was isolated often during her upbringing because she lived with a single parent who traveled a lot. Therefore, one of her childhood wounds is feeling alone. This has made her hungry for extra close friendships in adulthood. During our Head/Heart Check she’ll often share how upset she is that certain friends aren’t making enough time for her. I personally wouldn’t feel similarly if I were in her shoes because I don’t have the same emotional wound in my background. However, when I consider her emotional wound of feeling alone growing up, I can see how she would feel hurt when her friends don’t make enough time for her. That’s how I can empathize with her feelings even if I personally wouldn’t feel the same way. Is it my job to highlight her childhood wound is probably getting activated, no! It’s my job to empathize to make her feel supported.
Some ideal empathy statements include “I can see why you would feel …… because of……” or “that makes sense you would feel ….. because of …..” Some shorter empathy statements can include “that sucks” or “no wonder you feel that way” or “that sounds really stressful.” With the example above of my wife venting about her friends not spending enough time with her I could empathize with “I can see how you would feel sad and frustrated that your friends aren’t making enough time for you. It makes sense that would upset you.” In the beginning, providing empathy may feel artificial because you probably aren’t used to responding that way. But like any new skill, you first have to learn how to do it until eventually it becomes more authentic and natural. Therefore, wives have grace while your husband is learning how to become more empathetic.
Emotional intimacy is knowing your partner’s inner thoughts and feelings. The more both partners are privy to what the other is thinking and feeling the more emotional intimacy they have. You may be asking why care about emotional intimacy? Why is it even important? First, emotional intimacy tends to be a top need for most females. I would say 95% of all couples I work with the woman says emotional intimacy is her top need in the relationship. Most females need emotional closeness like they need air, it’s essential. Second, emotional intimacy cultivates a best friendship in marriage. Feeling like best friends with our partner is ideal for all of us. Third, emotional intimacy is important in marriage because it usually leads to better sex. Most women can't be physically bare until they are emotionally bare first. Another way to put it is if you touch a woman’s heart, she’ll probably let you touch her body. Men are you paying attention? This is vital information!
John Gottman talks about the concept of a love map as a way to think about emotional intimacy. Think about the city where you live and a map of that city a hundred years ago, 50 years ago, and today. As you can imagine, the map has changed drastically over time. New buildings have gone up, new highways have been built, and new bridges have been created. Just like the map of cities are continually changing, so are we. What is stressful to me now is different than it was a month ago or three months ago or a year ago. I'm constantly changing and so are you. If we don't have a method that continually updates us on our partner’s inner map, we’ll get outdated. You may think you know your partner, but you actually don’t. When we feel like our partner doesn’t really know us, we usually withdrawal. So, it's critical for couples to have a method to cultivate emotional intimacy on a regular basis, to keep their love map updated!
So, if you have been thinking "I hate my husband" and the cause is from a lack of emotional intimacy, be sure to read this article together and follow the four steps.
Here are some articles for further reading.
Article on how to be a better husband
Article on how to be a better wife
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Leave a comment below on what else could help if you start thinking "I hate my husband."
]]>What should I do if I hate my wife?
Share with your partner how the lack of sexual intimacy makes you feel and explore what's causing it. Perhaps your partner hasn't realized how important it is, perhaps they don't feel emotionally connected to you, or perhaps they have unhealed sexual trauma from their past.
When no sex occurs in a marriage it impacts the low libido partner much differently than the high libido partner. On average, no sex doesn't impact the low libido partner, because they're low libido. And because they're low libido, sex isn't on their mind very much so they can go for extended periods of time without ever thinking about it. They may notice a lack of closeness here and there, but on average, it doesn't really faze them. However, men with high libidos in a sexless marriage can quickly start feeling like they hate their wife.
A lot of you know the story regarding my wife and how she was raised with extensive sexual trauma. She was repeatedly exposed to sexual activity against her will and it created a deep disgust within her towards sex. And then her first boyfriend at 14 took her virginity, used her for sex, then cheated on her. So, her developmental years around sex were extremely traumatic. Unfortunately, her unhealed trauma carried right into our marriage, making her avoid sex at all costs. As the high libido partner, her avoiding sex devastated me and it crippled our relationship. She felt unsafe to me because of the continual rejection and I seemed unsafe to her because I desired sex, which reminded her of the perpetrators she was raised with. As our marriage was hanging on by a thread, we finally reached out for intensive marriage counseling and after several years we finally healed most of the sexual dysfunction in our relationship.
So, I can personally relate to what it feels like being the high libido partner in a sex starved marriage.
1-Rejection
The first thing is rejection. When your partner doesn't want to have sex with you, and you're the high libido partner, it's profoundly rejecting. It feels like you're not wanted or desirable because they are continually pushing you away. Rejection is one of the worst experiences a human can feel because it's communicating “I don't want you.”
2-Inadequacy
Number two is inadequacy. When you're the high libido partner in a sexless marriage the next thing you can feel is inadequate like there is something wrong with you. “Maybe I'm not handsome enough.” “Maybe I’m not beautiful enough.” Usually that's not the reason partners aren’t interested in sex. However, it can plant the seed of self-doubt. “Why don't they want me?” “There must be something wrong with me or else they would.”
3-Fear
A third thing that can happen when you're the high libido partner in a sexless marriage is fear. When you get rejected sexually, the last thing you want to do is initiate sex because you have been crushed so many times before. You've reached out for sex and your spouse has repeatedly said no. The pattern creates a tremendous amount of fear of initiating any type of sexual contact because you become preoccupied with getting rejected again. So, you stop initiating because it's too risky.
4-Detachment
The fourth thing that can happen when you're a high libido partner in a sexless marriage is you detach. Detachment can happen on two levels. First, it can happen on an emotional level, where you start walling yourself off, as a defense mechanism, because it's too painful to be vulnerable and get rejected. So perhaps you don't look at your partner as much, you don't share what’s going on in your life anymore, you don’t talk as much, and you try to be around them less. Second, you detach physically. You stop providing affection. The hugs, kisses, and snuggles go away. You start becoming an island within your marriage for safety, so you’re not continually hurt from the sexual rejection.
5- Distraction
A fifth thing that can happen is distraction. Being a high libido partner in a sexless marriage creates feelings of despair and hopelessness. Therefore, many throw themselves into an activity as a distraction. Some may become a workaholic, others may go overboard with hobbies, or others may lose themselves in tech. Distraction becomes a common coping mechanism to deal with the feelings of despair from being in a sexless marriage.
6-Desire
The sixth thing that can happen to a high libido partner in a sexless marriage is desire for others. Since sex for high libido partners is the core activity that makes them feel loved and is akin to physical hunger, going without it for an extended period of time can feel like an emergency. Therefore, susceptibility to outsourcing for sexual satisfaction through porn or people significantly increases. Similar to someone who is starving and will start looking through dumpsters to find anything to eat, high libido partners will feel temptation to start looking for sexual satisfaction anywhere they can get it. To clarify, being in a sexless marriage never justifies adultery. However, being in a sexless marriage certainly raises the temptation to outsource sexually but it’s still your choice if you do.
So, if you’re male with a high libido and think to yourself "I hate my wife," most likely it’s from a lack of sex because it leads to rejection, inadequacy, fear, detachment, distraction, and desire.
For further learning, read the articles below.
Receive my FREE PDF on 4 Steps To Better Communication. Click here to get it!
Leave a comment below on what else you think could help if you start thinking "I hate my wife."
1-What are you most stressed about and why?
What you are stressed about today is different than what you were stressed about last week, a month ago, two months ago, or a year ago and likewise with your partner. A lot of times we make assumptions that we know our partner well, but we get outdated. We need to regularly ask questions to know what is going on inside of them. My wife and I went through these questions on our last date and in response to this question I said our kids. We have four kids and three of them are teenagers, which can be difficult. So, that was stressing me out that day when she asked me that question. What about you? What are you most stressed about right now in your life and why?
2-What are your biggest hopes over the next year?
We all need something to look forward to. We all need goals and something we're striving towards. One goal I'm looking forward to is trying to spread my seminar, the Total Marriage Refresh, to new cities. Right now, I do it in Colorado and in Texas, and I'm hoping to move it to California next. So, I'm viewing this next year as a time to develop a strategy and a model to start spreading the seminar to more and more cities to hopefully help more and more couples. So that's something I'm hopeful about over the next year. What about you? What are you looking forward to over the next year and what about your partner?
3-What's one thing you wish we did more of together?
What is that for you? What's the one thing you wish you and your partner did more of? Maybe you wish you had more affection. Maybe you wish you had more sex because you're in a sex starved marriage. Maybe you wish you had more emotional intimacy. Maybe you wish you had more quality time together. When my wife asked me this question, I told her I wish we had more experiences together. I crave new experiences with her. And actually, that's what we did during our last date through an online virtual tour of the Roman Colosseum. The tour felt like we were there, and it satisfied some of that longing I have to experience something new together. What about you? What do you crave? What do you wish you had more of with your partner? Talk about it, ask them that question.
4-What's one change I could make to be a better partner for you?
What an amazing question! Do you realize how much you could transform your marriage if you asked your partner that on a regular basis and then did something about it? When I asked my wife this, she told me she would love for me to check in with her more throughout the day. To slow down and go up to her and check in. My wife is more introverted and can be withdrawn so she appreciates me pulling her out. Perhaps it would entail asking her some questions about her day or giving her a compliment or some affection or doing something kind. She loves all of those things and would love more of it from me throughout the day. What about you? What do you desire more of from your partner? What's one thing you wish they would do more of every day?
5-What are the top things you'd change in our life together and why?
This is a great question. This actually comes out of Solution Focused Therapy, which helps people immediately get to the solutions. One of the best interventions for Solution Focused Therapy is called the magic wand question, which is, “If you had a magic wand, what are the top three things you would change about your marriage and why?” I actually use this question when I'm working with couples during the intake appointment because it quickly helps me identify their top goals for treatment. Likewise, in your marriage, ask your partner what the top things are they’d love to change in your life together and why? This can include anything about your marriage, your finances, your kids, your workload, etc. When I asked my spouse this question, she said she wishes we could have more quality time together as a family. I agree, that's one thing I wish we could have more of as well. With four kids ranging from ages 10-17 it can be tricky finding an activity everyone enjoys doing together. So, cultivating more quality family time is a focus for us right now. What about you? What changes would you like to make in your life together and why?
These are deep questions and can take a while to answer and reflect on. But asking each other these questions during your next date is a great way to cultivate more emotional intimacy in your marriage. Also, these questions can be asked over and over every 1-2 months because the answers may be different each time!
Further Reading:
Conflict Resolution in Marriage
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Leave a comment below on what other questions you'd recommend to foster emotional intimacy in marriage.
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